Struggling

[nellielou]

I was diagnosed with PND a few months ago and am on antidepressants and recently been on a course to help cope with the PND. But I still really struggle to find the motivation to look after my young child. I feel so guilty about this as he is such a contented child. My husband's line is that we have such a blessing in our family, and I do see this, but I can't find the feelings of joy that I feel ought to be associated with this.

The course was really good and helped me face some of the feelings and situations I was going through.

Any good tips?

Well, my tips are here but I would add that you need the support of your dh and your family.

Of course a child is a blessing, but they are also bloody hard work! The number of times I thought about throwing ours through the window after 4 solid hours of crying at goodness knows what time in the morning! I never really bonded fully with mine as newborns, they were babies before I started to see them as individual people. I think that's fairly normal but you won't hear anyone admitting to it, which is a shame.

Mothers put too much pressure on themselves to get everything right and be like everyone else. You are doing a great job and you should be praised and supported by those around you.

Contact Surestart for practical help with the baby, they are brilliant and will listen without judging. You'll also get to meet other mothers feeling the same way.

Best of luck and don't be too hard on yourself. Remember it's all so easy for others around you to dole out advice and say what they would do, but they are not in your situation living your life day in day out, so really they talk bullshit. Well meaning bullshit.

Thankyou. Having just skimmed your tips they're very down to earth and very do-able. I feeling motivated at the moment to soemthing about how I feel, hence asking for help, so I'm hoping that I'll start to feel more positive.

Once you start feeling more confident and positive you'll be able to change your circumstances a little bit. I think your dh sounds as though he has his head in the sand a little. He wants to think that everything is now rosy and bright, he has in his head the image of the perfect family, but reality is never like that and babies are hard work. Does he give you a break? Can you talk to him?

If not, then work on yourself first, once you start feeling good about yourself again you can tackle those around you.

Might be worth leaving the pc on Mumsnet when he is around, that'd give him a REAL insight into the murky world of motherhood!

I feel that he thinks I can just snap out of it and that because one day I may feel good, he doesn't nderstand when the next day I'm not the same.

Ironically, I am actually an qualified RMN, although not worked in the field for a few years now, but actually goiong for help to someone who knows my professional background was very hard to do. thankfully for the first time since I've ever had depression, I haven't had to see my gp and try and prescribe my own treatment!!! He actually listened for a change. And thankfully, the health visiting team have had a very strong attitude than everyone needs help, no matter what their background is. I feel very supported but it's hard trying to say to health professionals that although I do provide the care for my child, I don't want it misinterpreted that I don't when I have no motivation to do so. Does that make sence?

Yes it does, you can function on a basic level but it doesn't mean to say that you feel good about it or want to do it.

Would it help if your dh was present when the HV comes? Could they not have a word with him about PND? I take it he's never experienced depression? Hard explaining that to someone who's never been there. He needs educating.

Hope things pick up for you soon. You sound very self-aware and you obviously want to change the situation and are taking steps to do so, so don't be too disheartened, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

It's very common and most people get over it often with help. I always felt better in full time work but that is not the solution all mothers (or indeed fathers) prefer.

True Xenia, I think at work you are able to step outside of your homelife and be an individual in your own right. You get more respect if you work, you suddenly become a person of worth. It's a wrong attitude but it's unfortunately true. Stay at home mums may do the toughest job of all but they virtually get no recognition for it. After all, you are a provider, teacher, cook, entertainer, creator, carer etc, on call 24/7 with no holiday entitlement.

However, if you can, getting yourself even voluntary work, boosts your confidence enormously and widens your social circle. You can volunteer to help at Surestart, which means your kids are being looked after and you get to do something worthwhile.

Hope your weekend is going ok nellie.