Failing as a parent - DD's MH

[Jesuismoi84]

Have NCed for this.

To give a bit of background: my DD is 9 and an only child. Me and her dad are divorced though we still get along great and he's very much involved in DD's life.

DD is highly intelligent, brilliantly humourous (she has me in stitches) and is one of the gentlest, most thoughtful girls I have met. But along with that comes high sensitivity; she does not understand at all how any person would want to ever make anyone else feel bad. She's generally ok at socialising, makes friends well and has a best friend who she's known all her life (me and her mum met on the labour ward) albeit BF goes to a different school and lives a few miles away.

She's at the age now where most her friends are playing out. She's not been too fussed up until the last year. We live in a tiny place so there's really just one group of kids her age. Theres been a few fallouts in the past year at school, mainly from this one girl - will call her Dee. DD tends to get targeted, but this is exacerbated by her highly sensitive nature. Her MH is suffering, and she has expressed the will to end her life on numerous occasions. On one occasion she self harmed. I've raised this with the school and the GP, but still have not had a CAHMS referral despite me requesting this. School are being great and I'm meeting with them regularly.

Recently Dee has been removed from living with her mother and has been placed with relatives, who live next door to me. Dee has decided she doesnt want my DD playing out with them anymore and is the ringleader pretty much in the friendship group. I try to do things like take one or two of her friends on a day out somewhere, which generally goes well, but then dd has to watch them after knocking for Dee then walking past our house. On the rare occasion she does play out, she usually comes home upset. It is absolutely breaking her and she has again stated this weekend that she wants to fling herself into the path of a train. She is nine years old.

I'm at a loss. I try to hold it together when I'm around her, but when she's not near and im alone, I fall apart. I have quite a stressful job where I manage to put on the act of my old self - outgoing, funny and relaxed. I don't know how much longer I can hold it together (or pretend to). I have managed to get DD referred to a group for kids to build confidence and a new drama group this week, but other than that I don't know what to do - she's only 9 and I'm failing her completely. Should I move? March down the doctors and demand a cahms referral asap? Move schools?? Move location altogether?? Speak to next door neighbours?

Please be gentle, I'm usually together and straight thinking... this seems to have gone out of the window lately. And apologies for the ramble. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I feel for you both my advice is to put a stop to her going out with these girls at all....don't make a big hullabaloo about it though. Get DD into some clubs/hobbies which will take up more of her time.

Winter is coming and playing out will become less popular too. Is there anything DD loves/is interested in that you could get her involved in?

Brush the mean girls off...be dismissive of them "Who wants to play with those? They're not even nice!" in a laughing kind of fashion...let her see they don't matter.

Thank you Henny, I'd not thought about that with winter coming. I'll try get her to throw herself into clubs etc. Just her enthusiasm for anything has completely waned lately, it's heartbreaking.

Could you let your DD know that Dee is hurting and that is probably why she is being mean? Not to excuse her actions, but to explain that none of this is a reflection on DD but has much more to do with what is going on in Dee's life.

I think your sweet and sensitive DD could easily understand that Dee moving away from her mother would be quite an upheaval for her and seeing DD living with a supportive mother could make her feel resentful. Dee has very little real control in her life and has turned to controlling friendships and projecting out her pain as a way of making herself feel a little better.

So nothing wrong with DD at all, she's a lovable girl caught up in an unfortunate circumstance! She doesn't have to prove she's good enough for those other girls. She doesn't have to prove anything, just be herself, and good friends will come her way eventually.

I think it's a good idea for DD to make other contacts too - as you are already planning. If she does meet some girls she likes but they live far away, perhaps they can keep in touch through Skype/Skypito(kids version).

I feel for you too. I've been there. There was a time when my own DS was ostracised by all the others in his class, instigated by two dominant characters, and it's horrible. (He did find friends in the end though!)

Thanks @OutwiththeOutCrowd - it's great to hear of good news stories! DD absolutely understands about Dee and the trauma she must be going through. She made a focussed effort when she first moved there and involved her. I think what she can't understand is why she's being singled out and the only one who is ostracised.

However, I'm feeling a bit more positive this morning - will see how the clubs go this week. I just really wish children came fitted with a resilience switch that could be turned up when required!

Perhaps it could be seen as a perverse compliment. Could it have been that, before your DD was pushed out, Dee noticed that there was a particularly loving bond between you and DD, maybe more so than with the other girls and their mums, or at least she had more of a chance to see it?

Good that you are feeling more positive!

Chances are, Dee sees qualities in your DD that she has had to shut down in herself because of the nature of her family set-up. She has had to 'harden' to survive and it has become 'character armour' which she probably knows deep down is based on pain. She might even see your DD as 'weak' because she hasn't developed the same defensive, 'get your attack in first' way of relating. The 'followers' in their set unwittingly enable Dee because of their own social confusion and insecurities, and they'll all know at some level that your DD is the strongest because she doesn't actually go along with the way they behave and interact. Dee needs her followers, they affirm her. DD doesn't, and good for her, but it's happening at a price to her being included/accepted. Very tough and confusing and upsetting for her. Dee has learned to 'power struggle' as a way of being, scapegoating to take attention away from what she fears are her own unwanted qualities of softness, self-confidence and healthy sociability. From a certain point of view she has developed a 'false self' because her 'true self' was rejected, almost certainly abused and neglected. It's unfortunate that she has landed pretty much on your doorstep, but I hope it'll prove to be an opportunity for your DD to learn to be discerning and not doubt herself. Children like Dee are too busy shadow boxing to care about the damage they do to others, sadly, but DD can start to branch out now, rely less on those girls in the immediate neighbourhood, and feel more accepted by new children she meets in the sort of opportunities you're arranging for her. If even in those situations she continues to struggle and feel highly sensitive then hopefully CAMHS will step in sometime soon and lend some support.

Hi, we've had a similar situation with my ds who is very sensitive also. He has also watched through the windows as his friend is knocked for to play out and he isn't, and all that stuff. Initially, I was absolutely knocked sideways by it all, devastated, and also struggled to hold it together. However, over time, we have learnt to stop focusing on that particular child and the group of other children who are playing out, his attention I guess, has moved on. It has taken a while and it was upsetting, but the other day we walked past them all playing out and he wasn't bothered about not being asked, but just didn't want to go over which I could well understand.
As his mum it has taught me to step back and not allow the actions of other kids to dictate how he's feeling, and what he's thinking. This has been hugely difficult as I am a massive people pleaser myself so I have learnt to try and let that go. The side-effect of this has been positive for both of our mental well-being!
Ultimately, we want to be around people who want to be around us. We are wired to want to connect with each other and any rejection is painful, but for resilience we need to learn to let it go and move on. I have reaalllllly struggled with this OP and it has taken me a lonnnnnnggg time so go exceptionally easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel all the crap it is dragging up for you as well. I can't imagine how it feels to hear what your daughter is saying to you about herself, it must be incredibly hard, and I wish both you and her the best for the future and I hope that she gets the help and support she needs. You sound like an amazing mum.