What’s wrong with me?!

[Flossie44]

Hi. I’ve suffered with anxiety for years but somehow keep it hidden from others. I internalise my fears and phobias.
I’ve got a child with a severe health issue which leads to emergency situations regularly. I become practical about it all to be honest. I manage and cope.

The last few weeks my ibs has been temperamental. I’ve had the bloating and wind pain niggles. But on top of it I keep getting rushes of adrenaline through my body. Like a sudden flood which heightens all my senses, then it subsides.
I’ve got health anxiety anyway, but this is making me feel hideously worried something is seriously wrong with me. I’m now thinking the pains I feel are serious, and not the tension in my muscles or the ibs pain etc. I feel I have butterflies in my tummy constantly.

What’s wrong with me?? I really try and keep this to myself and don’t want it effecting life for my family. But I’m worried

My thoughts on reading your post were 'fight, flight or freeze' - was there a situation prior to the last few weeks in which you felt stressed or afraid but didn't react? Or reacted at the time but have put off reflecting on how you really felt about it?

Always! My daughter has a condition where she stops breathing several times a week. I constantly have to deal with it, but remain calm for her!! It happened on holiday early August, while we were by the pool. I was alone with her and felt I had to keep it hidden as didn’t want spectators. My adrenaline went from nothing to a billion per cent in seconds!!
But this is kind of what I deal with a lot. I guess my ibs and these pains have been worse since then. I feel worried I’ve become
out of control of my own health and something bads going to happen to me

Is there anyone at all who listens to your thoughts and feelings about these frequent crises and the toll they take on you? Do you have someone who can be there for you to 'debrief' after you go through the particularly scary and draining episodes like the one on holiday? Coz I wonder if that's what your body needs at times in order to process the anxiety and fear that gets stored up and trapped or unprocessed otherwise. Reading your posts makes me want to give you a hug, make you a cuppa and give you some space to get all your thoughts and feelings out!

I hate putting on friends or family with my emotional stuff. They know the basic practicalities of it all but that’s about it. As for dh, he struggles in his own way with it tbh so doesn’t talk about the effects it has.
If my symptoms are my emotions coming out then I can kind of cope with that I guess. I’m scared it’s something serious.
Thanks for the hug....I really need it right now x

It can be difficult to talk about feelings with friends and family, I understand that. "I don't want to burden them" is how many people put it. And when parents are raising a child with a severe health issue that regularly results in critical interventions, they often deal with how it affects them in different (and separate) ways. Unfortunately, what that can mean is that shared, open dialogue about the emotional and psychological impact of an experience that they frequently go through together becomes an unresolved and unexpressed communication need. In your situation, you're ending up with chronic stress-related health issues that will in some way be connected to the tension of feeling "unheard" and in a way isolated in terms of what you go through in yourself (with the scariness and grief of it all, which would get to anybody). Has anyone (GP, health visitor, consultant for example) ever suggested or offered you any talking therapy? Because it's natural in shoes like yours to need a listening ear sometimes that is there for you when you need it, and focused on listening to what it is you go through, how it hits you and the ways it affects other areas of your life, the difficult feelings it brings up that you might be struggling with sometimes, or just got into the habit of ignoring or overlooking.

PS. I keep meaning to say, there's absolutely nothing "wrong with" you! How you manage to cope with the hand you've been dealt is amazing, except you deserve more support, in my opinion.

I can’t believe how lucky I’ve been to get your reply. I really appreciate the time you’ve been given.
I really hope I’m ‘ok’. My daughter went to school today. She’s rarely there so it was nice to finally have some ‘respite’ today. I breathed tranquility.
Yes dh and I deal so differently with it. He plays golf and works hard, I try and shut it away and move onto the next crisis, having not got over the last!!
I’ve got a cahms counsellor but I haven’t seen her for a while. You’ve prompted me enough to get back in touch with her. She’s so lovely and I know I can open up to her. Although when I have done in the past, I’ve cried and cried, and that feels horrid to face it!! I guess it’s a choice between mental strain or physical strain but it’s going to come out in some way.
I don’t really chat to my GP as feel silly when people go there for a lot worse. I fee I should be able to cope. That people are a lot worse off.
Thank you once again. Your replies mean more than I can say x

Perhaps it's not a coincidence that on one of those rare days when you had some time to yourself you felt able to sit down and reflect on how you'd been feeling physically this last few weeks, then made a post that actually considers your own needs for a change. From what you've disclosed about your life as a mum and a wife, you live with a long-running undercurrent of mental and emotional strain. Actually focusing on that at times, with someone like your CAMHS counsellor, is bound to be overwhelming and difficult on occasion. It's very understandable that you sometimes put off confronting all the upset, maybe it helps you cope with the traumas you go through for a while, but then inevitably something has to give - it could be that your body takes the strain of those unsorted feelings and unresolved emotions? But chances are once you've really talked you get a bit of relief and space inside yourself for a bit. It's good to hear that you have that option when you're feeling up to it; by the sounds of things you find her easy to talk to, a really important resource for you.

Just that one aspect of how you see yourself ("I should cope better... other people have it worse than me") can be very self-defeating, coz it doesn't just hold you back from having some of your very legitimate needs addressed and supported, but might well be a way in which you avoid some devastating feelings regarding the reality of your situation. And avoiding them means you can't move through and beyond them, which can take its toll physically.

Sorry to bang on about that, but I'm more and more aware of the connection in my own life between physical pain and persistent states of emotional tension. Seeing into those blockages and trying to let go of some of the related thought patterns and attitudes does dissolve some fairly chronic pain episodes for me, so I'm keen to share it with others. And I'm learning to notice situations that have an emotional impact on me that I don't realise at the time, and then wonder why I developed new pains or ailments around the same time. That's why I asked you about a stressful episode that could've happened prior to you developing the physical anxiety symptoms. On the other hand, it's also important to get checked out by your GP, to see if there's anything 'organic' that needs looking into.

Thank you for letting me know that this chat has been helpful for you, by the way! it made my day to hear that, seriously

I’m so sorry you’ve been experiencing physical
Pain due to emotional strain. How are you channelling into those blockages and freeing your mind?? How do you do it??

Oh you poor thing.

Everything you're describing sounds like symptoms of anxiety to me. I suffer in exactly the same way (and like you I've worried endlessly that it's not anxiety but something more sinister).

My lovely cousin works in mental health and it helped me quite a lot when she explained how anxiety affects the body. I won't be able to word it as well as her but basically anxiety causes your body to go into fight or flight mode and the non essential things (like digestion) shut down. Adrenaline makes you feel terrible.

Having a child with complex needs like yours is going to cause anxiety and anxiety symptoms. How could it not? I really feel for you.

Have you spoken with your GP? Xx

OP I just try to be as reflective as possible from day to day and look at what I'm thinking and feeling about my situation and relationships that could be changed, eg. needing to control stuff and getting very caught up in obsessing over how to do that. I get wound up quite easily, don't realise that it's often about what I'm telling myself must happen, or feeling quite 'all or nothing' or 'life or death' about areas of my life. I mean, it's different sort of stuff for different people, depending on what you're dealing with, but I think we probably have similar needs broadly speaking. Don't get me wrong, half the time I'm in a long episode of pain or discomfort (or illness I can't shake off) before the penny drops and I realise I have to change my attitude about something to decrease the inner pressure. Other times I notice it has worn off and usually I can see how my feelings have changed about something or someone in the meantime.

On the other hand, I'm not a mum and certainly not a mum in your shoes, which would be very painful and anxiety-provoking I imagine, especially without plenty of support. What works for me at times (ie. noticing where my mindset has been leading me) might be useful to you, but I wouldn't wish to assume I'd know how to wave a magic wand over your situation. I can't do that for myself at times! But time itself is often a factor for me - I don't see what's happening or make the connections soon enough. The pain sets in for a while and can have me frantic! Desperation frequently has me looking within for clues as to what changed or happened that could have brought on the pain

Sometimes it feels like making a conscious decision to accept or come to terms with how things really are as opposed to how I wished they were. Then trying to commit to the new perspective or attitude and noticing the swings back and forth in my thoughts and feelings until I get more comfortable with accepting stuff isn't or won't be what I had preferred it to be.

The previous poster mentioned fight/flight, so relevant to how stress affects us and produces too much adrenaline which then floods our systems and causes pain/illness. I was told 'freeze' is another aspect of fight or flight, where basically we don't stand up or assert ourselves, and we don't run away either, instead staying stuck in the indecisive or even stubborn mode of not moving forwards somehow.

Thank you so much.

Unusualusernames - that makes sense about adrenaline shutting down systems in the body. I kinda see that happening within me. I feel sort of numb a lot of the time. Like a grief.
I’ve spoken in the past v briefly to the gp. About a year ago. I explained I got a rush of adrenaline shortly after dd has an episode, and just as I get myself in a calmer place, she has another!! I bounce from one to another. The gp gave me propanalol. I’ve only used it a few times as have been worried of the side effects. Maybe I’ll chat again with her. Thank you.

Mineralmist- I too have consciously decided in the past to come to terms with events. I’ve tried to fight it and resist accepting. But sometimes with acceptance, has come a sense of calm too.
I’m sorry, it sounds as if you’ve had a really rough ride. I hope you’re feeling in a better stronger place.