After 40 years I've had enough

[PleaseSirMyGoat]

I don't really know why I'm posting this but I just feel so low today. Mental health problems have ruled my whole life and I feel like I've finally had enough of fighting. I've always thought that one day I would get things under control but I feel like now, today, I've realised that won't happen.

I've never had a firm diagnosis to the best of my knowledge, at least not one that's been communicated properly to me despite seeing many psychiatrists etc over the years - not now though as it's impossible to get help in my area. At first I think it was diagnosed as depression and anxiety, bipolar was suggested at one point but I think ruled out. I recently found out that a psychiatrist had written in my notes back in 2014 that I probably had BPD but I was never told that. It was mentioned casually by a mental health worker who assumed I knew. I definitely disagree with that as although I do have some symptoms, I don't have the main ones. Now I've been referred for an assessment for ADHD but I've been waiting 8 months as the lists are long and there are apparently staff shortages.

Medication only helps slightly and I've tried basically everything with varying degrees of success.

To make matters worse I have some nerve damage which up to now has been manageable but I've now been in terrible pain all down one side of my body for last few weeks and told it's unlikely to get any better. Started gabapentin which seems to be negatively affecting my mood.

Just don't feel I've got any fight left in me. How do I go on fighting and being positive?

What I've started to do is just take life one day at a time.
Make a plan for every day, & aim to get outside at least once a day.

When you feel life is too hard it's time to distract yourself.

Try to think of the good things about yourself & your health rather than focusing on the negatives. Eg you maybe have good blood pressure; maybe you are slim or don't have diabetes or asthma.

Make a decent music playlist & put it on a speaker while you do some ironing.
Get into a good book or film.
Make a hot drink then phone someone to catch up if you can.

Do some self care - a shower, make up, smart clothes.

I know all this is really hard as I have poor mental health & epilepsy & take lots of meds.
I get depressed & at times suicidal.

So I try to do the above..... & it does work.

I don't think I can help as such, but didn't want to read and run because what you're dealing with is very difficult - that sense of it being an unrelenting accumulation of 40 years of mental/emotional suffering. All I will say (apart from seconding the previous poster's suggestions, which can often make such a difference) is please talk to anyone at all you trust enough, let them in on just how hard things are for you at present. If there's nobody, for whatever reason, could you go to a MIND drop in near you? I realise you've probably explored various options in the past and concluded that they don't make enough difference, but sometimes another look or try at previously explored avenues can be surprisingly effective.

What in your view of things might make some difference to what you're feeling like at the moment?

Thank you both so much for taking the time to respond. I'm not good at talking, I'm very much a keep it all in and put on a brave face type of person but I did actually break down in front of my best friend earlier and she has been fab and offered to look after my young DC for a few hours so I can have some time out.

@tierraJ sorry to hear that you struggle too. You are so right about self care, it's definitely lacking. My idea of self care at the moment is sitting on the sofa eating half a cheesecake and drinking wine, which is definitely not good for me, I really shouldn't drink at all but I know I'm slipping back to using it as a crutch.

Also you've made a good point about focussing on the positive. A few things in my life I'm unhappy with (with good reason) are making me feel more negative about everything and I think I need to focus on the positive points about myself and my life and not dwell on the crap I can't change right now.

Thanks again