I've fucked everything up, please help me find a way out of this

[Trixieandkatya]

NC for this as I don't know if anyone I know is on here and I'm just so ashamed.. please bare with me if this gets rambly.

I started a very intensive study course yesterday, the aim being to get me a better job in the country I now live in (not UK). First day was hard, I was going ok but starting to feel physically unwell by the end of it, and full blown migraine and nausea by the time I got home. I've been having some health problems the past few months, a lot of nausea, headaches and tiredness (I'm definitely not pregnant), a lot of it it's related to hormones, I've had tests docs can't find anything abnormal.

So, although I had work to do for the course, I couldn't because of the migraine, just had to lie down. Woke up later, and I've basically been having constant panic attacks and can't stop crying. I've realised I can't cope with this course, and I'm so so ashamed to quit after the first day, a lot of money has been paid towards this, that will all be wasted. I've let my family down so so badly, doing this course was to secure a better life for us and the pressure of that is immense.

I can't stop crying, I can't eat, I can't sleep, my 5 year old DC has seen me crying and knows something is wrong, I don't want him stressed.

I don't really know what I'm posting for, I've never posted anything like this before. I just don't what do, my partner keeps telling me to try and carry on with the course but I know I can't. My mind is always on overtime, this has been a problem for a while now, and this has just cracked me and I don't know how to recover.

Sorry for such a long rambly post

It’s one day. The first day of everything is always overwhelming. You don’t know you can’t cope after one day. You can carry on, just take each day one day at a time and give it a chance.

Also, you need to try and take all the melodrama out of it. Stop framing it as some big dramatic future for your whole family. Think of it as: it’s been paid for so I may as well go. Then just think in small bite size sections. I might learn something interesting today. Not ‘the world will end if I don’t succeed’. And you know what? Realistically yes, you might be shit at it. You might fail. But if you don’t go back you’ve failed without trying so just think in immediate terms and see how you go.

I suffer with migraines and it takes me a full week to feel 'back in the game'

Cut yourself some slack and make a study plan if you haven't done so already.

You must have thought you could handle the course when you applied, so is the anxiety down to an overwhelming first day? Not helped by the migraine?

I have terrible anxiety, btw, and don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but it really does help. I even add things like putting on my shoes, having time to buy a coffee and remembering a pen to my measures of success for that day.

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time! I know from personal experience how difficult it is moving to a new country. Everything is new, different and unfamiliar.

Regards to the course, can you defer it a year to give yourself some time to deal with health issues? Most universities/ institutes / collages will allow you to defer for a year due to health issues.

It sounds like you are suffering from quite severe anxiety. Try to take each day one step at a time and set yourself manageable targets. Treat yourself kindly and cut yourself some slack. You have set yourself a massive challenge moving countries!

I agree, this is just a course that is already paid for.

Have a good bath or shower, go in and just take the day as it comes. Tell them you had a migraine so you will catch up on the work tonight. And just take it one day at a time.

Do the next right thing.

I read this recently, simple but effective. You can't stop after one day. The symptoms sounds like anxiety, you had them before the course so stopping that isn't going to make them go away.

Stick with the course. Go again today, do the work. Take the idea of quitting the course out of your mind, it's not going to fix your symptoms. Honestly.

Why not see your GP to discuss whether beta blockers might help you? They reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety by steadying your heart rate, and the less selective older ones also cross the blood brain barrier and help in the prevention of migraine.
I think all of us find first days stressful, too. Don’t give up until you’ve given the course a fair trial.
Once you’ve got to know the other students and shared your worries, you may find they all think the work tough too!

Are you on the right meds for your migraines? Have you had your blood pressure checked? Go see your GP ASAP!!!

It's a short very intensive course, back to back work and no room for missing anything or falling behind. It can't be deferred or refunded. I could have done a longer, part time version and have no fucking idea now what possessed me to do the full time version.

I know I sound dramatic, but it really does feel like my family's future happiness is at stake as me getting a better job would take the strain of my partner and enable us to move out of our flat and into a house.

I'm trying tell myself to carry on but the thought of it just fills me with so much dread. DP tells me I need to stop panicking, I know I do, I want to, but I can't.

I feel like I've had problems with anxiety since my DC was born, a lot of intrusive thoughts, I've never sought help for it just tried my best to shove it down and get on with it. But I don't think I can anymore.

I've not slept since Sunday night, and I can't sleep now, I don't know how I can physically do this.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I've never posted about something like this before and I don't talk much to my DP or family about anything like this as I don't want to worry or stress them out.

I know this will sound awful but I seriously entertained the thought of breaking my own fingers just to have a 'legitimate' excuse to get out of doing this. This is ti do with more than just this course, I'm starting to realise that I've tipped the point, and I need help but I don't know where to begin, and I don't want to add more stress to DP who is basically holding up our family right now.

Go to your GP, that can be your first step.

Be brutally honest, none of this, I should, I could.
Anxiety is so debilitating, but it can be managed.

Be honest with yourself and your DH. I'm sure he would prefer to know how to help you get through this, instead of floundering in the dark, not really knowing what to do.

There are helpful mindful apps, that can help you focus too.

I hope you get some rest.

I quite like the Head space app.

I'm going to try and see a doctor today. I've always been scared of taking medication, but I think it's come to that point. My number one priority is my DS and I have ti be able to function for him.

I used to be frightened of taking medication too, I totally understand that.

I was honest with my doctor and was put on a low dose, to see how I got on with it. Tell your doctor your concerns and about your role in the family unit. The more information and honesty, the better.

I did have to try a few out, before I found one that really suited me and it's OK if you have to do that.

I've always found it helpful to keep a diary of sorts. When you're in the middle of a dip, it can be difficult to know if things are improving or not, also they do take time to work, so don't expect to instantly feel better.

I do wish you better and am sending you a handhold.

Thank you @finnmcool a hand hold is really what I need right now. DP is very loving and supportive, but he's not always the best in this situation, he finds it hard to understand as he's a very strong 'soldier on' type, and also he's having a lot of work problems right now which makes me feel terrible.
Did you have many side effects from the meds? I think that's what I'm most afraid of. I've only taken meds once, was put on seroquel when I was 16, it turned me into a zombie and stopped taking it pretty quickly.

All medications have POTENTIAL side effects, but they can't be much worse than how you're feeling now, right? (I'm a (very) mature-age nursing student. I don't profess to knowing everything about medications, but I do know about medically-diagnosed anxiety and carrying the mental load for the family with study and being overwhelmed. Go and talk to your GP. There are so many options out there these days in regards to medications. Just because one didn't work for you then, doesn't mean another won't. ). NOW - breathe. One step at a time. One day at a time. You can do this.

The side effects for me weren't huge, I felt hazy, like I was looking through bubble wrap. Medication is a very personal thing, what suits one person, doesn't suit another.

It's definitely worth a try and my meds have really helped me when I've needed them.

As much as your husband is the soldier on type, I hope he understands that you're struggling and need help?

Also, you need to try and take all the melodrama out of it - I love this advice just generally.

I would definitely advise you to make an appointment with your G.P. and be honest about how you are feeling. They are there to help not to judge. After talking to them and taking their advice(this may include medication) maybe your perspective on your situation might change. Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds from your post that you may have other stresses in your life at the minute as well as your course? Please find someone you can talk to in real life. I know you don't want to worry friends or family, but it is important to let those close to you know how you are feeling. By now doing something positive to tackle your anxiety, you will have taken those first difficult steps to get yourself on the road to feeling better. Whether you decide to continue with this course or not please put yourself and your mental health first. You are obviously in the grip of anxiety at the minute and you have done so well by posting here to ask for help! Look after yourself and please keep us updated on how you are.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure and expectation on yourself and maybe feeling the weight of everyone's expectations. Realising its harder than planned is a knock to the confidence. Conscious incompetence is painful, ride it out and you will soon be at conscious competence and looking for your next challenge.

No no don't quit. When I started my solicitors finals I had the same reaction as you. I told my uncle I was going to quit and he said just give it a little longer. He was in his 70s and had always regretted dropping out of university for the same reason. I ended up getting 99% in the course that made me think I can't do it and a distinction. You CAN do it. You need to work on your self esteem (so do I). Hang in there x