Am I depressed?

[AmIDepressed80]

Hi I need to get things off my chest so I've name changed. I've been on Mumsnet a few years and regularly name change.

A few things :

I had two babies now older 8 & 4. Baby 1 almost died at fault of the birth unit I was in. Baby was taken away from me and then sent in an ambulance after I complained that baby couldn't breath - i was in a hospital with only level 2 care and baby needed intubation and had respiratory distress for various reasons it took the midwives ages (7 hours) to see baby was so poorly - baby was taken to another hospital.

Baby 2 was in special care also couldn't breathe but I got given steroids this time. I should have been given steroids the first time.

I was in a separate hospital to baby 1 but joined the following day in a terrible taxi journey less than 24 hours post section. The hospital should have sent me in an ambulance they didn't they sent me in a taxi. The poor taxi driver had only recently moved to the country he left me in a&e at the other hospital an hour journey from my original hospital - they hadn't been informed I was coming. My poor husband thought i was coming in an ambulance as I had an emergency section.

I had a tough pregnancy lots of health issues none my fault but out of my control. Kids are healthy now.

I had to leave my high flying job because of initial
Poor health of baby 1.

I suffered from PND.

I didn't have my job and lost a lot of my identity and also sacrificed my career I was the higher earner.

After 5 years I'm back at work but it means I don't have time to exercise and eat healthily like I could when I was a SAHM. I'm all over the place running around the kids and commuting

My DH does help - he puts kids to sleep at night so but that is around 7-8pm I think I should start back at the gym at this time.

I'm back in my original career but come in at a lower level but more experienced than people at a higher grade than me - I can't see how to get back to a higher level on a part time basis.

I have gaps I can fill but I'm back at work and feel old/fat/ I'm the eldest in a young office - I'm experienced but not getting paid for the level
Of work I do. Culturally I don't feel it's the right fit for me.

I feel down, I feel like I would if I had good health I would have had another baby but feel I have no support. I have done these quizzes and been told I suffer from mild depression and anxiety.

Depression runs in my family - my Grandmother has electric shocks to her head for her depression. My Aunty commit suicide because of her depression.

I just need to find what I can do - I need some time to work out how I feel and just wanted to write this down.

I don't expect responses I wanted to write the things that were playing in my mind over the last few months.

The start my kids had, leaving my job, returning to work, my mental darkness , my weight gain , my lack of exercise, my poor diet and health. The loss I have suffered my dad died in his 40s he was an alcoholic and depressed.

I need to get off my arse and start exercising again.

I just wanted to write it down and quickly so sorry about the grammar, lack of commas and obscure paragraphs I need to cook now. Kids still messing around.

Are you depressed? I don't really know, but I saw no one else had answered you so I wanted to say something at least. It doesn't sound like depression to me (my DH and stepson have depression) but your phrase 'mental darkness' certainly does.

I can see that your current work situation is not ideal in some ways, but hey, it's a job and well within your abilities. By carrying on, at least you are keeping your hand in for when your DCs start secondary and you'll probably be looking to go fulltime at that point if not before.

Going to the gym is a good idea, or alternatively you could go for a run, get an exercise bike or do a workout video if the gym proves too difficult to fit into your day.

Could your DH take over the childcare a bit earlier on one day a week so you could do an evening class, perhaps music or creative writing to give you a chance to express your feelings? Or maybe you could start a free blog.

As for eating healthily, it would probably help with your weight and mood, especially fresh fruit and veg. If you usually keep crisps and biscuits around, they will be the easy option, but if you have a bowl of delicious fruit, your cupboard is full of 2-minute microwave savoury rice (or whatever quick healthy stuff you enjoy) then it's easier to make better choices, especially as you do actually want to eat well for your own benefit. It's much easier to resist things while they're still in the shop!

It's very sad that so many members of your family have suffered severe depression, but it doesn't follow that you are doomed to follow in their footsteps - please don't think that. You have overcome some serious problems, you've got 2 lovely children, a supportive husband and a job - you're doing really well!

Thank you @FlamedToACrisp for taking the time out to help. Your response is very helpful.

I started back at the gym but have terrible DOMS today! It felt good and I think I'll go back tonight.

I do want to start a Pilates class as a more holistic form of exercise.

I've just bought a book on binge eating. We've also booked a holiday in the sun for October half term and I've started taking vitamin D.

I've decided I will probably seek some counselling as reading over my initial post it's obvious I'm still suffering from trauma - horrible events especially the start my first child had and the death of my father - my aunt's suicide draw me into that dark place.

I'm also suffering from anxiety and insomnia as a result - I've always been an all or nothing person but I need to pace myself.

Thank you so much for responding the silence did make me wonder if actually I was just moaning and I just needed to stop.

Definitely time to get the sugary snacks out of the house.

Thank you for taking the time to advise a stranger.