After years and years struggling with my mental health it’s got to the point now where my life is negatively affected on a daily basis. I need to see someone - start with my GP I guess but I could do with some help figuring out what I tell them is wrong because it’s not easy to explain.
It all feels a bit like PTSD but I don’t think is. And I don’t want to go in with my own Dr Goggle diagnosis as tried that before and was just told to go home and get over myself.
So, background -
Since late teens have had severe but infrequent and short bouts of extreme anxiety and self loathing. All very manageable.
Then shortly after my first baby was born my mum ended up in ICU and life limiting lasting effects. 2 years later my 2nd baby was in NICU for 2 months. 2 years after that I was diagnosed with a degenerative and incurable disease which although at the time seemed bad doesn’t affect me now although could get worse again any day. 2 years after that my mum started to slowly die. That’s when I (in hindsight) lost the plot. Started making very rash risky decisions and destroyed my marriage without much thought and certainly without any plan of action. Then through the divorce I had to protect my DCs from abuse from XH and fight tooth and nail through the family courts. Then my mum died.
When I was diagnosed with my illness I got very bad anxiety. I cried basically anywhere and everywhere was terrified of being ‘caught’ at being so scared about everything, was terrified in my own home due to H’s uninvited nocturnal sexual advances. I got myself out of that state somehow but then I just completely destroyed my whole life. Tbf it wasn’t unwarranted. But this was serious distraction therapy and major risk taking.
Anyway, it’s only just dawned on me that over the last year I haven’t been totally of sound mind. Not totally incapable just not totally capable. I feel daily like I can’t function like other people. I can keep the kids fed and happy and clean and safe. But that’s it. There is no room or space for anything else. I hate myself on a nearly daily basis. I send myself horrific abusive texts. I struggle to sleep. I am always tired and never have any motivation to do anything. I fantasise about dying slowly. I feel trapped and claustrophobic. I am riddled with guilt about my mum and my NICU DC. The slightest thing reminding me of those traumas will send me to tears and panic attacks.
About 2 years ago I paid to see a private psychologist. I was obsessed with a man who wasn’t my husband. I was playing with fire. Spending money I didn’t have. Losing weight fast. Getting lost and having panic attacks in the supermarket. Wanting to die one minute, feeling elated the next. He told me there was nothing wrong with me and I just needed to control my impulsive behaviour. I told him I was worried next time I went off the rails real damage would be done. A year later I was meeting people offf Reddit NSFW subs and my marriage collapsed.
I don’t have a job. I need to and try to find something but don’t know how or where to start. I used to work in middle business management but now I couldn’t possibly handle that. I haven’t worked since before DCs.
I have a bf I obsess over. I thought it was love. I do love him, he’s very special and my best friend. But it’s a hideously impractical relationship. It has given me great joy but also huge heart ache, and causes me to make bad life judgments. The relationship continues to distract me away from concentrating on my own life. It’s not healthy in its current state.
I need help. But I don’t know how or what to ask for.