Think I'm breaking down

[bonitakitlee]

I have been having counselling for childhood abandonment and trauma issues and I have suddenly become fixated on my first marriage, which was over years ago, we remained friends for a few years after despite the failure of the marriage being totally my fault, I was a horrible and very messed up person.

Years later I am happily married for the second time, but suddenly the counselling brought up memories and has made me long to reconnect with my ex, to the point of having panic attacks and nightmares about it. I love my current husband and have been able to discuss this fully with him, yet I am constantly bombarded with these thoughts about what life would have been like if I hadn't left the marriage.

I am aware of how crazy this all sounds, but it has made me feel like my entire life has been a huge mistake. I just feel damaged and traumatised. My husband points out that everyone involved has moved on, but I am wanting to write to my ex and build a friendship.

I really didn’t want to leave this here. Just to say you aren’t alone and you absolutely aren’t a bad person for how you are feeling now. If you’re raking up the past it’s natural that things related to your first marriage will probably be caught up in things. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life or just to cry on their shoulder? That can really help. Would it be possible to bring it up in your counselling as well? No matter how awful you’ve been to another person it can still be a massive abandonment to lose them and a marriage is a big thing to lose as well. Really sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you for replying, I don't really have anyone I can talk over serious issues with. Apart from my husband I am very much alone and lonely. I will mention it in counselling today.

You are so kind to have replied to this.

I would absolutely raise this in counselling. It sounds unresolved for you which is potentially why it is coming back so strongly. It is so hard when we re-open these places of pain from our past, but our liberation comes from being able to forgive ourselves for being human and acknowledging the fact that we are all capable of hurting each other. No matter how good and kind we think we are.

Just to say that in my experience, "should have, would have, could have" are instruments of torture, especially as our memories of how things were are so often distorted. Please stop tormenting yourself of what could have been, OP. The past is gone, live for today and be hopeful for tomorrow.