Mental health. Young mum

[lossie1993]

I'm really struggling right now and I've never felt so alone, I just don't know who I am anymore and I feel like I can't remember a time I didn't feel like this. I feel like a robot just existing and getting through each day as it comes waiting for the next day to come. All I want to do is sleep and I find myself doing things and ticking them of a list in my head knowing it's closer for me being able to go to bed. I'm a young mum to two children under 2 and I know I'm failing them, they are the most important thing in my life and I live for them, but I have no friends, I live away from my family and quite frankly I feel like I'm just a nuisance to them most of the time. We hardly ever go out because I'm so u capable of making new friends or doing new things because of my anxiety. I want to be that mum that joins baby groups and has loads of mummy baby dates. I've tried joining apps to make friends but nothing ever comes of It. I'm so boring now and I hate the person I am.
My parter loves me so much and I adore him, he's the best dad to our children but I'm pushing him away and it's breaking my heart. I constantly take my "bad day" out on him, we hardly have sex anymore and it's because i hate myself, I'm 20 stone and i can't look at myself in the mirror and the thought of him wanting to do anything with me makes me question it. How can I let him love me if I don't love myself.
I'm really at a low at the minute and the thing that upsets me most is not being the best parent my babies need.

First, you need to stop worrying about everyone else and realise you deserve help and support.
Your husband and children love you, so believe it.
If one of them were ill you would want them to get help and support, which you would give willingly, so accept that you must put yourself first for now and see your GP.
Your husband loving you doesn't depend on your weight. He loves you for who you are!
Your doctor can help with your anxiety if you tell him/her exactly how you feel. Once you feel less anxious you will be able to make friends or join in mum groups.
CBT therapy would help with your worrying and anxiety too, but you need to reach out, even if you don't feel like it, just do it.
You sound lovely,. .You deserve the best.

Oh lossie, it sounds like you have things very tough. Please try and be kind to yourself. I am too a mum to two under two (try and say that when your pissed lol) and reading your post there’s a lot of themes that echo in my life. It’s really hard to deal with what you thought being a mama would be like and what it actually is.

Please try to find something and some time to yourself. I have a list of things that I know cheers me up that’s really easy and do able. Some of them are:
Blow raspberries on dc2 while doing a nappy change and watch him giggle and smile at him back
Make a cup of tea (and more importantly drink it) when my oldest is napping and dc2 is playing his play gym

Your are a brilliant mummy. As long as they are fed, clean, clothed and loved you are doing an amazing job.

Yes read that again and say it back to your self.

HTH

Thanks for your replies ladies, it's just really hard not having anyone to talk to but knowing I can't vent on here seems to help a bit, I try talk to my husband about things and how I'm feeling and why I don't want to do anything but I always get the same response, it's always him saying "how do you think I feel?" or "same" i can't even have a headache without him saying he has a worse one, I try and open up to him and tell him my thoughts but I get nowhere with it and just end up crying. The thing is I'm horrible to him I'm so so mean and some of the stuff I say in my head I know it's not me but I can't help but take it out on him.
This just isn't the life I invisioned for my children or myself, we are stuck in a 1 bedroom flat with 4 of us in a small room because we can't afford to live anywhere else, I'm on maternity leave and my husband works full time, we never have money to do anything and when we do and he hasa day off he wants to relax, but because I have no frie ds and don't get out I'm waiting for his days off to do stuff with the kids. It's hard and I'm stuck in a rut. I try and ask myself what would make me happy... Like if all my problems were to go, for example have a bigger home, have more money, lose weight. Would it really make me happy and that's when I think there's something wrong with me. Do I need help.

Lossie, try to accept where you are and what you have.
Having more or a bigger house doesn't necessarily make anyone happy.
I know people who have all that who feel very unhappy, I also know people who are happy and have very little.
Your husband, or anyone else can't MAKE you feel happier, it has to come from you and how you think, that's why CBT can help you.
Many people think they can't change what they think or who they are, but you can.
My daughter does a gratitude journal every night. She focuses on things she is thankful for, which at first is difficult, but simple things, like a hug from her children, or that she achieved something small that day.
If you focus on positive things, slowly over time you do change your thinking.
Take the children for a walk, or play with them in the park,... Children don't 'need' lots of things, they flourish on your attention and time spent together.
It CAN change, but takes time. Once you feel more content, you won't worry so much on your weight or what you think you should have.
Until we accept where we are, we can't be happier with more.

OP I'm sorry I have nothing useful to say, but I'm in pretty much the same boat as you.

It's scary for me realising that something is wrong with me but I haven't reached out for help from my GP as I'm too afraid to make the call.

Wishing you a better day today