Can ever see a way out of this pain

[allgonebellyup]

my dh and i separated for a couple of months in april as i just needed some space for a while. in that time he actually met someone else and is head over heels in love with her, and is using our joint account to spend loads of money we dont have on presents for her.
our children see her all the time but i am not allowed to meet her and am not sure i even want to .

i cant believe he has moved on.
He was so in love with me before, went to the ends of the earth to make me happy and i cant believe this has happened.Eveyone, especially his friends said we were a match made in heaven and they'd never seen him happier.

i cant see any light at the end of the tunnel and now i have done the classic hurting wife thing and have stopped him seeing the kids at weekends/at all.
i wish i could get run over or just stop breathing.

Sounds horrible for you.

It must really hurt that he can move on so quickly.

But there must have been reasons that you seperated in April. There are no guarantees that even if he hadn't met this woman that you and he would have gotten back together. What were the reasons that you felt you needed space?

And with regard to access to the children - really you will only hurt yourself and more importantly them in the long run.

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yes obviously there were troubles and thats why we split for a while - he was terrible with money and i was responsible for paying his debts, he was a total mummys boy and would always take his mums side over mine.

yes i did (briefly) like a woman i know's (wouldnt call her a mate tbh)ex but this was only to try to fill the gap and cover up the pain, didnt work, and he was a tosser.

sounds like you need to focus on the things about your dh that upset you - eg the money, mummies boy etc, and realise you may well be better off without him (especially as he also seems to be quite obsessive and impulsive).

It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven despite what his friends said. You deserve better than that.

Look at the positives of yourself - and realise it is his loss rather than yours. Move on and enjoy your future.

And let the kids see him when they want to - will be much less painful for all that way.

i have been there but i am now 2 years down the line now.....

and he marries the other women in 4 weeks...

it is hard but you will be fine i find it hard that my dd likes her, and for some reason they sent my dd's bday card from them both back with my dd this week, which i found odd..

and i hate the fact they play happy families with my dd....

but all in all i am happier now, i feel i have adjusted well to single parent, i have to plan things to look foward to like at the moment we are looking fowrd to isle of wight 2 days after his wedding as i felt i needed something to get me through that weekend...

you will come through this, men seem to move on quicker for some reason..... they seem to need to be with someone.... where as women take there time over it....

thanks snowwonder, i just worry that i wont find someone else that i loved as much as i loved him, or no-one that will ever want me.

Have you found someone new? if not, do you feel like you havent moved on?or are you 100% happy on your own?

i just dont think i will ever feel happy with this situation, i just feel sick all the time and this is the second time i have been through all this; i split with dd's dad when she was 2 though i left him and it wasnt that painful tbh.

i think there is something wrong with me and now my childrens lives will be fucked up for good too.

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thanks mellowma.
yes he has really moved on, he keeps telling me how happy he is now, and tells me to "move on" all the time.. but to me its only been 4 months which is nothing, and the hardest part is that when we initially separated it was only meant to be temporary - it was all MY idea and dh was the one who really didnt want to split for at all.

i know his relationship is real as we still have a joint account and theres all these transactions for gifts and posh meals which certainly werent for me!!! perfume and womens clothes etc.

OH how i am kicking myself now.
like i said, things were in no way perfect but he still did a lot of stuff for me and i will spend the rest of my life regretting this.

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i'm so sorry you're going thru this...
but the bank account, if its really over, you need to sort that out before any money that is yours is gone and you might not be able to legally get it back.

stopping him from seeing the kids, while might 'help' you, hurts them.

and hurts him.

there is light at the end of the tunnel. i am struggling in my own almost-over marriage. and i knows its there. it is. sometimes its just harder to see.

you dont want to get run over.
or stop breathing. vent to us here, MN, as i have found on so many occasions is good for it.

we cant close the joint account until its in credit, but we are/were always in our overdraft and never in the clear.

i do have rl people to talk to, and my sisters are good at listening, but it doesnt take my pain away.
i saw my gp who told me that time is a great healer and i told her i dont want to be on ADs.

i am afraid to say i havent met anyone else...

but that doenst really bother me, when we split i went on a great relate course called 'new life new challenge' which is aimed at people who have split up and i found it a great help.

i also read a book from whsmith called how to mend a broken heart..

I prob could have met someone if i wanted to but to be honest ex has dd one night during the week so going out at weeekends is hard and i work duringt he week,

I cant honestly say i am 100% happy on my own but i am not far from it!!!! there are stress full times when i would love to share the load with someone, and someone else do the baths and bed etc, but most of the time we have a ball...

you will get there it does just take time, be kind to yourself..

i understand that you are hurting, but dont make your kids hurt too. they know nothing of this. i dont know anything about you, i dont know how old your kids are but no-matter how angry you feel at him, you are not being fair to stop access. dont use your kids to get at your ex. they are innocent in all this.

yes nightowl i know youre right. he has been seeing them all weekend every weekend, fri-sun night plus one night in the week. i even let them go out with his new girlfriend every single weekend, though i am never allowed to meet/talk to her.

But why should my children spend every single weekend with a woman i know absolutely nothing about and have no clue who she is?

that is very hard letting your children spend time with someone you dont know and havent chosen for them to spend time with... especially when they play happy familys yet everything you do with kids is as a lone parent, i have found this hard to deal with,

and the thought of dd being bridesmaid at wedding just kills me,

but i know she needs to see her dad etc and i have learn t to spoil myself and get stuff done in house so i dont have to do it when she is with me

i have agreed to let him keep on seeing them, and i am fine with it now, i hate the idea of ds not seeing his dad as he talks about him non-stop.. (dh is dd's sted dad rather than real dad)

bit like me then
gets complicated i had dd1 when i was young and she never saw her dad...

met ex dp had dd2 and dd1 adored him, dd1 also called him dad.... and they were very close,

since we split dd1 hasnt seen him he took her to the cinema once when we first split, but that is all, all contact was lost
dd2 goes one afternoon a week...

and to be honest i hate him for this more than i hate him for the split, what he did to my dd1 kills me how he just dropped her.. like a ton of bricks ... when they were always so close.....

he sees her at the door when he brings back dd2...
it is very sad and dd2 asks lots of questions why her sister doesnt go with her etc....

i really hope this doenst happen to you...

snowwonder its good to talk to someone in the exact same position..

yes dh used to be like a dad to dd, when we got married he wanted to adopt her too but her real dad wouldnt allow it..
they were so close and now it breaks my heart that he was willing to "drop" her.

We had a huge fight over it and now he realises that he cannot just drop her, he has been a part of her life for 5yrs, (longer than ds who is his real child)and now she is chuffed to bits that she is allowed to sleep over at his house with ds too.