I'm hoping someone out there will be able to shed light on my little predicament.
I do need to go back a bit for it to make sense and so you can understand my situation - apologies for the length, I'll try and be as brief as possible.
Me: Only child, parents unhappy during my early years but stayed together. We moved around when I was growing up; I went to 7 different primary schools and 2 high schools. Not many friends. My mother has her own MH issues but has never sought help, unfortunately, I was her little precious gem and I went through a lot of emotional manipulation growing up. The things she would say to deter me from seeking my own life; 'children never leave their mothers' 'you can't trust anyone but me' 'no one will love you as I do'. My dad was physically present but emotionally somewhere on a cruise halfway around the world.
I have 2 kids, 16 and 11. Mother dearest took over when they were born; partly to help as both ex and I worked, mainly because she wanted to spend time with him. She would put in her 2 cents about our parenting decisions - to the point of arguments and me being me, I was too afraid to set any boundaries with her for fear of 'losing' her (another one of her catchphrases). This I own 100% - will never make an excuse for it, totally my fault. I kick myself for it now though.
I separated from their dad in 2014 and within 2 weeks, she and my father had basically moved into my house to help me (my kids were 11 and 6 then) as I worked full time. It was fine at first but she started to take over, as usual. Again, tried to stand up to her but her threats of 'leaving and never coming back' made me succumb to the situation. Along the way, my anxiety and depression got worse. Started at 50mg, ended up on 200mg of sertraline.
So, fast forward to late 2018. Its when my MH got worse. 200mg wasn't cutting it. My dr made an appointment with a psychiatrist for early 2019. Every conversation I'd had with my mother to leave my house over the course of 2 years ended in a war and she would start to say very nasty things to me, in front of my kids - this went on for a couple of years. Nothing phased her - she plain and simply would not leave; she said I owed her after 'all she had done for me; raising my kids and cleaning my house while I do nothing' - this is verbatim. Tears, tantrums and manipulation. Dad is still on his cruise by the way.
By that point, to say I felt defeated is an understatement - and my meds numbed me to the point of 'not caring'. I wasn't in a bliss - I was in denial all while acknowledging my mother was part of my problem. I didn't seek counselling because I 'never had time'. Single parent, full-time work and part-time study. Big time bullcrap excuses now that I look back. Which is why I am here as I have no one to really talk to about this. I feel I made an emotional decision in a moment of weakness (anticipated hope, perhaps?)
I had organised a Christmas holiday interstate with the kids, visiting with my best mate and her family. She has been my BF since we were 16 and have always had each others back. I really couldn't live without her but this is part of my problem now. She knows everything my mother has done (said to me) and has never liked her.
BF always felt she was my 'protector' - I was the 'wild one' in our early 20s - and she was the sensible one. Made good choices etc. She doesn't have her own biological kids, has inherited 4 step kids but only 1 lives with them. Christmas holidays, fun fun fun, just before NYE it dawns on me I have to go home soon, back to that shithole of an existence. I literally panicked. BF says 'just stay here'. As in, move. She would help me get on my feet, kids would be enrolled in a local school, her husband agreed - it seemed like the best thing to have happened to me in 2 years!
In my weak mental state, I agreed. Dropped the bombshell on my kids. 11 y/o was fine, she said she'd rather see me happy. 16 y/o was not fine and wanted to return to his high school and friends. This push-pull went on for 2 weeks until I finally let him go back. Hardest thing ever btw.
BF and I organised to empty my house, have it cleaned etc. After the initial shock and tears and yelling, parents moved out into their own place. And that was that.
I slowly decreased meds, now I am med free. But. Dust has settled and reality is sinking in. I'm not happy where I am. I'm reflecting. I made the choice to run away from my problems in the middle of what most probably was an anxiety attack. The only friend I have is BF; her small network is lovely but they're not 'my people'. Daughter is happy in school, I have a full-time job and my own place. Im very grateful for all that, however, my son is not here to share it and that's the hardest part. BF insists I force him to live here, but he is starting senior school next year, I fear what it would do to his studies. He's a good student, is doing very well. She says 'he'll be fine'. I don't believe its as simple as that. He's at a selective performing arts school; he had to audition to get in.
This place doesn't feel like home. I miss my friends. I miss my son.
When I spoke to BF recently about this, she lost her crap and said if I went back she would never forgive me. I know she is scared I will go back to the old situation (living with my parents) but her choice of words - while harsh, I believe it to be true. So now, I am afraid to stand up to her again - to even talk about it with her.
I feel like my anxiety is getting worse. The spiralling thoughts are back. I can't escape them. I have counselling sessions but there is so much more going on within - one hour a week is not enough. I have started to eat healthily and exercise - I don't want to go back on meds - but I think I may have to.
I don't know whether to stay here or go back. I don't want to miss time spent with my son. I want to be part of his last teen years before he goes off into the world. He says he misses me and wants me back. My daughter misses him. The thought of staying here fills me with dread sometimes. But, If I leave now, without a 'valid excuse'(in my BFs opinion, valid excuse means a man or fantastic job opportunity), my BF will not 'approve' and I'll never hear the end of it (that is, after she decides to start speaking to me again). She did say, as an aside, 'after all I did to get you here'. That is so what my mum would say (and has said countless times).
I feel like I've gone from one manipulating situation to another. I'm indebted, yet again.
I know its ultimately my decision on what to do but I honestly don't know what the hell is the right thing. I really don't. I thought the older you got the wiser you got. I'm 43 and I may as well be 7. I've no fkn clue right now.
If you made it this far, congratulations. And thank you.