Emotional abuse

[aiyshajc]

This is a hard and long one.
Basically I've been with my now husband for five years. Married for 2. We have a and one and half year old and he's the absolute love of my life he's the best thing in my world.
Since we've been together it's always been rocky. He's always been mean and controlling. I have no friends. I had to leave my bestfriend she was more a sister I can't tell you how many nights I cried as it felt like I was grieving. I've had numerous arguments with my mum and sister since me and my husband have been together. (Me,my sister and mum are like best friends we are all super close). He hates my mum I think it's because she tells him straight and doesn't like the way he treats me and the things he says to me.
When we row he calls me the most hurtful names that I'm fat, disgusting, a dumb C word. He laughs at how much of a failure I am and how if I died everyone would be better off. He says that I'm being horribke so I deserve it. I mean I'm not perfect, who is but I do not deserve the things he says to me. Tonight we rowed because I was wearing Colette's and a vest top. I purposely wear Colette's so he can't moan they are too tight fitting. He said I was showing my bum off and my boobs. I WAS CHANGING MY BABIES POOEY NAPPY.
If his friends come round I don't look at them or get into convos as I'm afraid I'll get accused of flirting. I used to wear makeup I'm not aloud to anymore because 'I shouldn't care what people think'. When really I think he just don't like me wearing. He wishes my mum and family dead. Says that I'm scum and a rubbish mum. When I'm not. I cook, I clean, my baby is always fed always happy not in the slightest neglected he's my world I just wouldn't dare he gets the best of everything. The other day we had two slices of bread left and a out of date bagel. My bubs had the bread for toast for breakfast and obviously I had the bagel, I always put him before me. Since he's been born I've been without him 4 hours as I'm not aloud out without either baby or my husband as he don't trust me. I can't even go for lunch with my mum. He can go out whenever he wants for as long as he wants. I've been with him since I was 16, I'm not 21 and it's now getting to the point where I'm struggling to be around him without recanting him. I love him of course I do I wouldn't still be here if I didn't. But I'm starting to hate myself. I have severe eczema which I struggle with and he picks on me when we row and says my skin is disgusting and I'm fat. He then apologises and says he feels bad and like a mug I forgive him. I feel so alone.
If I leave him he said he will take me to court over custody of my baby. His parents will do anything for him and will pay anything for him so he's saying he will move back in with his parents and get everything for our son and I won't be able to even afford food because I have no one supporting me. He said if I get put in a hostel for emergency accommodation he won't let me have my baby as it's not safe. My mum is not in a good financial situation to help me she is also disabled so I wouldn't be able o stay with her or rely on her financially. It was my my Nan and grandads 50th wedding anniversary and I wasn't even aloud to go because he doesn't like my family. I cook, I clean, I feed him and my baby,I do everything and he sits there because he works 6 hours a day and he 'provides' he takes all of my benefits which are in my name I don't have any money to spend if I needed it.
I need advice, I don't want my baby to be taken away I won't be able to live. Do I leave or make it work? How will I survive without his financial help? Anyone?
Sorry for the long message I just felt like I needed to get the whole picture out

Please please please, for the sake of you & your baby, leave this horrible man. They won’t take your baby away I’m sure, but you need to leave 🧡

Please please get you and your baby out of that situation 💔
If you contact the police maybe when he's at work or something they can put you in contact with people who can help you with domestic violence, he is emotionally abusing you in so many ways !!!
This isn't healthy or safe for you or DC

@Wingingthis
I know I keep telling myself and so does everyone around me I just can't find the courage to do it. I mean he's a good dad, he wouldn't do anything to hurt my son but it's going to have an emotional effect on him if we keep rowing in front of him. He says that I'm ruining our babies life because I'm making his dad depressed. I'm just scared of what will happen if I do leave. How much hell will he try to put me through. And I'm afraid no one will believe me. He's very clever and and very good liar. Thankyou for your support it really means a lot x

@MommaJP
And I know I have thought of this but as I said in a previous post he is very clever and a very good liar so I'm afraid they won't believe me. I've called the police before when my baby was around 4 months old but then said I didn't mean to because he was so angry with me and I thought I'd make a mistake. And also because he used to sleep around before we was together he's given me a certain STI that I can't get rid of and he uses that against me saying that I'm dirty and no one will want me which is true but he gave it to me for sleeping around. He's literally ruined my life m. I have 0 confidence in just scared and worried for my future. I think and look and say to myself 'I don't want to look back when I'm 80 and say this is the life I lived and I hated it'. I also heard that women's aid are confidential but if a child is involved they break that and get hold of child services and apparently they really aren't nice people to get involved with x

He is not a good dad or husband.
Your baby won’t be taken from you.
And your baby already knows you are unhappy & afraid.
You & your baby need a better life.
Get help & get out.

Please please leave. Don’t let your child grow up around him. He is financially controlling you too. This is so sad to read. You do not deserve this. What a horrible horrible man. Please call Women’s Aid. If that’s too big, speak to the Samaritans or Citizen’s Advice. You will feel so much better if you take small steps. Can you ask your best friend for help? Are there other family or friends?

When you are 80, you’ll want to be able to look back and know you took good care of your baby, and did everything you could to keep him healthy & safe.

Hi op.

Can I suggest you get this moved to relationships, there are a lot of very Kind and wise posters who have escaped a similar situation and can help you decide a course of action and hold your hand through every step of the way. (Click ‚Report‘ on your Post and ask)

The other big thing that jumps out at me is how worn down you are, how you have been (understandably) drawn in by his scare tactics. Reading this as a third party, he is so obviously full of shit I bed he stinks from 3 miles away.

Even you saying how he is a good dad because he hasn’t actually hit/hurt your child. Is that REALLY the benchmark of a good parent. ‘Hasn’t Hit them yet?‘ would you judge yourself by that?

Please stop focusing on all the 'reasons' you should stay with him, because he will not change and you won't feel better. It's important to face and accept the truth, the man you're married to doesn't love you and he is not the sort of 'father' anyone would want for their child, because your child will learn that abuse of women is an integral and acceptable way of life. You have to be somehow strong enough to show your son that it is never acceptable and not to be tolerated. The ways in which your husband is manipulating and controlling you are soul-destroying and the longer you stay the more power you'll lose. Right now it must seem like there's no way out but you must take a way out somehow. Keep this conversation going in as many ways as you can think of, with anyone at all that might be part of a solution for you. The replies you'll get here will be encouraging but you'll need to explore other avenues of potential support. Enough is enough. I feel very moved by your posts and the openness you're showing, and I can't predict how services will help you but I think you know you have to risk something as soon as possible because otherwise you'll lose yourself in his cruel and heartless world, which will never help your son. Take your courage in both hands and do whatever it takes while you still have the strength. Anyone in your position would be scared, but is it really "better the devil you know?"

He may be "a good liar" when things are under his control but once you've left him and got back up and recovered some strength and confidence it'll be different. I'm sorry I don't have more practical advice to offer but is there a community or church group that might give you some support or refuge?

He’s manipulating you so well and for so long you can’t see it as clearly as we can.

You need to go to women’s aid or somewhere for help and advice as soon as you can.

He won’t change.

When your baby grows up do you think your dc will be allowed out, I doubt it. You and dc need to leave now. Please get out while you still can. You deserve to be happy. He’s not The One.

He has you believing he is clever but he isn't really clever. People like him act like this to convince you they are clever.

But there are people out there who are much cleverer than him and who will be able to see that you are a good parent, that you love your child and do everything you can for him and these people can see that this man is not the best parent for your child.
Womans Aid only get child services involved to protect the child from abusive parenting and to support the caring parent. They will support you in getting away from this abusive person.

You are a good person and you really love your child. You are legally entitled to have friends and to have a good relationship with your family. It is legally abusive of him to stop you.

Do not try to fight with him about this. Contact Womans Aid and let them help you. They will tell you how to deal with this.

OP what he is doing is illegal

Emotional abuse is illegal
Financial abuse is illegal

He will not take your son, people will see right through him and if it goes to court they will see right through him too. Please please contact women's aid or at least reach out to someone, a family member or friend or anyone.

My heart goes out to you and your baby. You've had some really good advice on here. Sending love and strength 💞

Oh darling I want to get in the car and go get you and your baby.

Please please find the strength to leave. ❤️

Hi I've read every one of your Comments and I think I know what the general consensus is lol.
The reason I didn't reply last night is because it kicked off again at around 10. Baby was asleep thankfully I'd set up camp on the sofa with him. Husband came out with annoyed I was sleeping on the sofa. Threw a fan across the room and got a really bright torch and started shining it in my eyes.i tried hiding my face but he just got in my face. He scared me so much I had to call my sister. He then like he always does called his parents. So my sister then told my mum to go round which she did with my cousin who is around 60 but she's bloody wise. He was being all civil, then as soon as my mum and cousin left he turned again tell his parents he wants me to die and that he's 'f**ked in the head and wants to kill him self' so if all became about him. He says without our son he would have killed himself by now and if I ever take him away he will do so. It literally looked like he was having a mental breakdown. His dad can see straight through him his mum doesn't and see him as the apple of her eye. Last night was the first night he actually scared me to death. And then when my family was on their way he started begging me for my forgiveness (which he wasn't getting) today is another day and tbh I'm scared what's going to happen. Thankyou SO much for everyone support. When someone's ins a place like I am it feels like no one cares but seeing how many people care and how many people think the same thing then I know now I'm not going crazy and what he's doing is wrong x

Is there anyway you can stay with your sister for now? I am so worried about you & your baby. You need to get out as hard or scary as it may seem!

So many kind and wise posters will be here soon to give you better advice, but darling you MUST get away.

Can you not pack a bag and just leave NOW?

You can't fix him, he's not going to change. You have the whole of MNet behind you, listen to the women who have been in this position and how they got out of it!

You can do this!!

OP I wan to reach in and grab you.

You need some kind of an escort for leaving him, possibly the police. He is a dangerous man.

As a PP said perfectly, he is not clever at all. His treatment of you is very much illegal. Please remember that when he makes his empty threats regarding your son.

I would be calling the police today.

No you're not crazy, yes what he's doing is all kinds of wrong, and since things escalated last night and you now fear what today will bring you must take some action. Your sister obviously believes you, can she do more to help? Would his father help you, because he knows what he's like and perhaps how dangerous he might become? I think you're right, your husband is mentally unwell in some way and might be at breaking point, but you have no way of predicting how that might go so you need to get away from him. Everyone here is saying the same thing, essentially, you're right, but it's 'real life' practical support you need to reach out for too. I realise you're not sure which way to turn, but there must be a way to start. Even if it's really short and impossible-sounding, make a list of your options and post it here and let people support you through your decision-making process.

He is hoping that threatening to kill himself will make you feel bad and you will stay. It should do the opposite.

You are not responsible for his mental health.

You owe this man nothing

However you owe your child a good and happy life. I really really think you should get out as soon as you can do so safely.

I dread to think what he could do next, or what he would do if he found you getting ready to go.

Please please be careful and get the hell out of there. Nothing will ever make him the guy you once cared for, that guy is gone.

He needs help from professionals. You cannot fix him. By leaving it may actually make him face up to reality and get the healthcare he needs. You are enabling him if you stay.

Please get your family to come round and help you leave while he is out. He will go mental but they should just phone the police if he kicks off. And you all tell them about his controlling, abusive and violent behaviour. There’s no way your child would be placed with him.

In s last effort to convince you, have you considered what would happen to your child if he rages at you one night and accidentally (or deliberately) kills you? Sorry to be so grim but your child will end up in his care and control as he will portray himself as the loving family man.
Is that what you want? That child will have no life and no future.
You’ve already stayed too long, your family love you, time to go and seek help. This is the beginning of a new life for you and your child. You can do this. Please.

You must leave, you are so young and have so much good ahead of you, do not waste another second with this animal. You are so fortunate to have a close family, use that and leave.

Watch "murdered by my ex-boyfriend", it's a true story and might give you the push to leave before it becomes your reality

Hope you’re doing okay OP

Hi looking for advice I split up with my partner a few weeks ago after 10 years and I'm really struggling he has been so horrible to me lately calling me names fat useless using my mental health against me when we split in March we have tried to get passed it and move on but it's just goes round in circles and we get nowhere. I have told him they way he speaks to me is horrible and I have had enough any advice on how to ingore him? We have set days for the children in place I just want to be civil with him for there sake but I'm really struggling any advice appreciated thanks

@XXmummyt2XX
It isn’t right that your children hear him verbally abusing you.
Do you have a social worker or children and family unit involved or anything like citizens advice helping you?
If he can’t behave himself at handover time perhaps something can be put in place so you don’t see each other.
It amazes me how nasty some human beings can be to others. Time he learned to be nicer. There’s no need for him to be like that. Seek professional help from people who know about such things, and make sure you get the right maintenance money from him too. Good luck.

Hi op
I am so sorry you're going through this. Please call Women's Aid. They can give you loads of advice and help. They can support and listen to you. What you're going through is not right, it's not fair. You need to save yourself and save your baby. You can live a happy life, you won't if you stay with this 'man'.