It all feels so sad and pointless

[CrazyCatMum]

It’s my birthday today and I feel sick.
My daughter has travelled up from England to spend it with me even though I said she didn’t need to. One of my sons is away working and that feels ok, my other son and girlfriend and baby, I’m supposed to see them tomorrow but it’s all too much.
I hate the day I was born, hate what it started, what it means.
I get that no one else understands why I feel like this but it’s so hard.

I spoke to the crisis team but it felt like they didn’t hear me.

The panic attacks are constant, my anxiety is through the roof.
It never used to be like this, I just used to feel down but now it feels like every mental heal problem is getting thrown at me.
I’m scared.
I don’t know if I want this fixed anymore because It just comes back worse and scares me more.
😭
I’m sorry if this makes no sense 😭

I am so sorry you're suffering like this. Try not to think about the past or the future but just concentrate on getting through the present.

Your children obviously love you and without you, they and your grandchild would not exist.

Can you tell your daughter and son that are with you that you're not up to celebrating your birthday?

I tried telling them but they said since I always make a fuss of them on their birthdays it’s only fair they do the same for me. I do get what they are saying but I hate a fuss, hate getting any attention, it scares me.
I’m scared I’m gonna get it wrong with my reaction to their gifts or them wishing me happy birthday.
The whole thing scares me ☹️

Ok, can you tell them that right now their attention scares you, you can't handle it. You fully appreciate that you make a fuss of them on their birthdays and that your reaction to your own birthday seems inconsistent with that, but right now your mental health is overpowering everything and you just need a quiet day on your own terms, whatever that might look like.
Just do it. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, just do what you need to do. I completely empathise with you on the terror of facing this stuff, and the relentlessness that you feel as you start to feel better. And it may make not rational sense whatsoever, but the mere fact that you are really listening to all your 'stuff' is evidence that you are healing. I know it is horribly painful and scary, but please just allow yourself time.
I have a really difficult time every birthday too, and struggle to decide if I want the attention or if I don't. But other people don't necessarily have the same issues and they won't get it, and that's totally ok. Just voice what you need to say today.

Are your children aware of how you are really feeling?
You should explain how you are struggling and you need professional support.

My kids know I’m struggling, they know bits of why birthdays are bad for me and every year they say they want to give me a better memory of a birthday, that’s they want to make up for my past being so bad. But that’s not their job, their job is to have a normal life and not be bothered by my dysfunctional life.

I spoke to the crisis team this morning and they told me it would be better if I went as my mental health has caused enough upset with my kids over the years.
So I went and my daughter ended up upset and worried about me because I wasn’t doing to good with it.

But it’s done now, I’m just waiting for her to go home tomorrow so that I can go back into hiding and not let anyone see how I’m feeling.
Life just feels so pointless ☹️

Your mental health team said that??!
Your mental health is causing YOU upset....It's you they should be concerned about! You shouldn't have to do something to please your kids when you are so low.
Speak to your doctor. You may need a change of medication or therapy. Don't worry about anyone else, concentrate on your health.

Yes my mental health team said that. They can be pretty rubbish most of the time.

My gp won’t change my meds, she says it’s not in her remit, it’s down to my psychiatrist and she won’t do anything. My cpn is worse than useless, I just feel like I’m in No mans land with them all.

I just want it to stop, it hurts, my head hurts so much trying to fix it but I just seem to make a bigger mess of everything.

I’ve done my bit, I’ve brought my kids up I don’t need to be here anymore, they don’t need me any more, I don’t think I need them anymore.

I thought once my birthday was by I wouldn’t feel as bad as I did, but I feel worse, I just don’t want to wake up up anymore, I’m done 😢😭

Your kids DO need you. Just ask any grown up child who has lost their mother whether they still need her and wish she was here.
It's your depression talking, not you. Speak to your psychiatrist and if necessary ask to see someone else.
You can get better x x