bullied out of job due to mental ill health

[shesallthat]

Hi all,

I'm at a bit of a loss and in desperate need of advice.

A bit of backstory: I'm a manager and I have an assistant who is completely insubordinate - won't take orders or direction or criticism. There have been countless incidents where he has screamed and shouted at me for asking him to do incredibly simple and fair tasks. I've raised these problems with my line manager several times.

I suffer with panic attacks and severe anxiety but I never have any attacks during work/in front of my staff members, and I try wherever I can to keep it under wraps. The guy in question actually told all of my staff that I suffered with this and told them I was a liability and that he was going to make sure everyone knew who was ACTUALLY in charge (it's all rubbish, I am very good at my job, I just have an assistant who refuses to help me for his own personal gain.) He told my manager I'm not coping with my job and that he should take on all the responsibility. Despite my constant reporting over the last three months - he's listened to this guy over me. Because of his behaviour, I've had a massive downward spiral in my mental health - I'm crying all the time and terrified to be near him for fear of it triggering me. I've had to take a couple of sick days and am currently in the process of looking for another job.

I had a meeting today with my boss and completely broke down - told him I was being bullied and that it needs to be dealt with. They said they'll gather up facts and talk to him next week but I absolutely can't work with him. I've locked myself away in the kitchen at work to do some admin because I can't face being near anyone and just being here is making me panic.

I can't afford to go off sick but I also can't be here anymore without it severely affecting my mental health. I guess I'm just hoping somebody has some kind of advice as to what I can do legally - can I refuse to work with him or will that affect my pay?

TL; DR - insubordinate assistant is bullying me into resigning and using my mental health as a weapon against me - is making me actually really anxious and depressed and triggering panic attacks.

Do you have any sort of system that evidences the work you've put in and reflects the extent of your initiative in your role? I only ask that because the gist of your grievance is that this underling is aiming for your job, which would represent a promotion (never mind that he's undermining you to get it). So for anyone influential to take him seriously he needs to be able to prove that you're "not coping" and show them where and how he has effectively been doing your job for you.

What was it about your relationship with him that meant you disclosed details of your mental health? Only from your post it sounds like you don't mention it at work, as a rule. It's despicable of him to be using it against you, but does he back up what he's telling your line manager with concrete examples of instances where your anxiety or depression has apparently affected the quality of your work or ability to do your job? And by that I mean before he started discriminating against you to others, because he seems to have started a whispering campaign against you in order to exploit your vulnerability, and is now claiming that you showing anxiety or aversion as a result proves that you're too unstable to do your job. I would be very clear about that with your line manager.

Unfortunately it might be the case that your repeated reporting of him prior to these claims he's making has weakened your position. The fact that he's difficult to work with seems largely to have been overlooked by your line manager so far, or else he mightn't be so quick to believe him over you now. As an 'outsider' reading your post I notice that your colleague's histrionic, reactionary and difficult behaviour could well be symptoms of a personality disorder. I'll bet his own mental health has been in question prior to him joining your workplace and he's keen to take the heat off himself by pointing the finger. Well, it wouldn't surprise me. But somehow he has gained the upper hand at present, at least until it can be shown to your line manager's satisfaction that he has been bullying you. No wonder you're struggling, you've been saddled with an extremely challenging assistant who has avoided doing/point blank refused to do his own job satisfactorily and is now accusing you of being mentally/emotionally unstable in order to "take on" your job. How long have you been there? Have you had other assistants that have been difficult to work with? I only ask because that might make it look like he has a case. How has your relationship with your line manager been historically?

I know it must feel tremendously difficult to be there at present but hiding away is only going to increase his profile and diminish yours. If you really don't feel you have the confidence and strength to rise above this then for your own sake it's probably time to move forward elsewhere. I only say that because in my own experience if I haven't felt able to face down bullying I've been further weakened by keeping going back to the situation. Anxiety and depression can be draining enough as it is, without also being eaten away by ongoing tensions that can be relieved somewhat by definitively stepping away from them. Yes it feels unfair but sometimes that's life's way of pushing us forwards, which we can see clearly later on when we look back. Might what strength you feel you have left just now be better used to propel you into another job? Sounds like you've at least half made up your mind to go anyway. But perhaps before you do you can make a clear statement to your own manager about how you feel you've been treated, hence your decision to give notice. Suggest to them that you're concerned about the impact this assistant's behaviour will have on the ability of others to do their jobs in the future, after you've gone, People like him have no capacity for loyalty and it will coat that organisation in the long run, but that's their problem.

In the meantime, talk to anyone who might conceivably prove therapeutic to you. That could be anyone from a close friend or family member to a helpline like MIND or the Samaritans (who don't just listen to suicidal callers). You mustn't be isolated with your anxiety and depression, especially at a time like this. I'm sorry if my post isn't helpful, I think the situation you've described is complex and largely depends on variable factors that are probably beyond your control at this point. Once things have reached the pitch they're currently at and an internal process has begun (like fact-gathering to investigate bullying allegations) you're then in an unpredictable position. So put yourself first in whatever way you can. But try not to be scared of your assistant, because by the sounds of things that's exactly what he's counting on