Allowances for mental health

[goldenchick]

My mum asked me a very good question today.. Before we get on to that, I’d like to give some background.
My brother is 39. He has never been officially diagnosed with something, but one thing thrown around a lot has been borderline personality disorder. He lacks empathy, is able to be heartless and ruthless with no thought for anyone else; he has never, or would never take responsibility for anything bad he has done, or put people through. As children (he is 2 years older than me) I idolised him and he was my amazing, outgoing big brother. He was also very insecure, spiteful and a big bully to me (something I’ve only realised much later in life). We had a lovely upbringing with 2 great parents. Yet he began drinking heavily at 15 (he went to rehab at 16). He recreationally used drugs (cocaine and weed) for many years until 6 years ago he left one day in the middle of the night (leaving his wife and child) to embark on a drink and drug binge that to this day has never really ended. 3 years ago he began smoking crack and heroin and he is now a habitual heroin user.
He bully’s my parents daily, hourly for money, using guilt trips and threats of violence to himself or others to get what he wants. He will say and do anything to get what he wants. My parents cannot and will not turn their backs on him no matter what he says or does.
Speaking to my mum tonight we were discussing the fact that (IMO) he would have become the person he is, no matter what his upbringing as with the nature/nurture argument, I believe he was born this way and his behaviour in our childhood, before any external influences, shows that. He sadly always had no empathy or feeling, despite the fact that (at times) you could see he desperately tried and wanted to pretend he did. Ultimately, sadly, he chooses to be this way and be awful to the people around him that do nothing but try to help him. I feel that he could try and be a better person, knowing that he has these issues, but he chooses not to. Anyway, My mum asked me “with this in mind, should we make allowances for his behaviour?”
My question to you all is.. Should you? Should you make allowances for someone that goes out of their way to be as awful as possible and use the biggest guilt trips available to get what they want because they have issues?

I think because he bullies, threatens violence, and wants money from them, then they have to use tough love.
They need to refuse to see him if he is threatening or intimidating.
Loving someone doesn't mean allowing them to frighten or intimidate you. Let him know they love him but they can't tolerate his behaviour.
My friend had two sons who were drug addicts. They both sole from her and smashed things in her house so she threw them out, told them she would always give them food if they were hungry, but nothing else.

That sounds really difficult. Why has BPD been suggested as a diagnosis?

Firstly it doesn't sound like bpd to me. We are generally very empathetic as we feel everything so much more than other people.

My mental illness explains how I act some of the time, but it is never an excuse. I know right from wrong and as long as he isn't psychotic then he has to be accountable for his actions.

Very complicated, and one of the most difficult life situations to be in: a sibling/adult child with a lack of empathy exacerbated by drug use or other addictive patterns. His inability to take responsibility for himself makes him weak, and he has noticed that blaming (implicitly or otherwise) can engender guilt in others, so he exploits that to get what he wants. If he actually used violence (as opposed to threatening it) it wouldn't be that different - either way, he keeps the family locked into a pattern of fear-based enabling. I would say that until your parents get clear about their self-recrimination, they'll go on supporting his demands and he won't change. The only explanation for their repeatedly overlooking his 'terrorism' and not detaching from him is that they feel somehow responsible for how he is and are carrying him and all the crap that he unleashes on your family. As a previous poster suggested, they need to draw some strong, non-negotiable boundaries. Perhaps that's something they didn't know how to do when he was a child, do you think? Some kids need them much more than others, which could explain some of the diferences in your characters as siblings.

Personally I feel that at some stage allowances no longer function effectively in such circumstances, if they ever did. What are your parents defending themselves against by not actively challenging his crap, do you think? He's almost 40 and by the sounds of things has already abandoned his own little family. (If not physically then certainly emotionally.) As long as people keep colluding in his dependency and blackmail, he will continue to abuse others and himself. I know you can see this, but any resolve you have to help him by seeing him in a realistic light is weakened by your parents protecting him. His own style is protectionist: "give me what I want or else I'll...", basically. It's horrible to face the truth about such people, because ultimately they may completely self-destruct if you 'let them go'. But if you don't, all your lives are lived to some extent in thrall to his manipulation and control. It's truly tragic and I feel for you.

No matter what you think or believe, some parents will always take the route of making allowances for their adult children, and it often results in the addict deteriorating completely as a result. You're kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't. But if you keep enabling, you'll never know if that person can one day wake up to themselves. I also appreciate that you/they might fear triggering violent reprisals if you refuse to give in to his demands. My closest childhood friend had an older brother who was a heroin addict by age 12 or 13. He went on to commit manslaughter (someone outside the family, I should add) and my friend and her mum had basically emigrated by the time I was early to mid-twenties. To put as much distance between themselves and him as possible. And they each became alcoholics into the bargain. Addiction can be a devastating family 'disease' so I don't underestimate the predicament your family is in, but distance of some sort is vital in helping the healthier members to recover from it, and that distance (with the right input and support) can be purely emotional and psychological. But it's essential. Your parents have to reject him at some level if they ever want to find out if he can recover, and if it turns out he can't, well that has to be dealt with and accepted.

So, so complicated. And you are absolutely right to question the question your mother is asking. Are you obliged to enable your brother in his addiction and dependency? How (and perhaps as importantly, who) is it protecting, and from what?

Sounds more like anti social personality disorder if anything. Previous poster has hit the nail on the head in so many ways, he's taking advantage of your parents guilt and always will unless stopped.