My negative thoughts/over-thinking driving me crazy!

[Bennois]

I need to vent about the stuff that goes on in my head to see if anyone can relate to it.
First thing, I am a single mum with 2 kids (5 and 1). Partner left last year, saying I was boring, had nothing about me anymore, blah blah. I am also newish to an area and have some friends but no family here.
I am HIGHLY sensitive to what people think about me. It seems to take over my every thought and affects how I act with people, even those that have known me for years, even my own parents. I am convinced everyone thinks I am dull and boring, crap at conversation - I try and tell myself this is social anxiety, but then what if I am just incredibly dull?? I just can't think of things to say to anyone. I think other mums think I'm boring, my neighbours too. I feel everyone is judging me as a crap mum.
That's the other thing, I'm not even enjoying my kids company at times, and even struggle to have conversations with them! It's pathetic, I know.
The only pleasure I get is when I'm on my own in nature (garden, beach etc.) Then I feel a little more at peace.
I'm so obsessed with what people think - I get so upset if people appear to not like me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm in my forties and need to shake this off. I don't want to me all negative around my kids.
I even sometimes think I am part of some elaborate televised study, and everyone else is acting. So messed up, I know. Help!

Anyone? Even just to tell me to belt up and sort myself out??

Name change fail there I think, OP - if you report your own post MN can fix that for you if you prefer.

Have you sought any help for this in the past?

It sounds like you have a lot going on and your self esteem is really low. Do you think you could be depressed? Have you ever sought help eg. seeing the GP or talking therapy?

Massive fail. Oh well. Thanks so much for responding. That in itself makes me feel better. I have always had problems with depression, I was on ADs when I was younger, took a couple of half hearted overdoses when I was 15 and 20. It's not the depression that I find the most challenging, it's the not knowing who I am and the second guessing CONSTANTLY of everyone around me, what do they think of me etc. It feels almost narcissistic. And itMa exhausting. I generally didn't care what anyone thought of me in my 20s and 30s, perhaps having kids has made me like this. I had counselling just after split, it was ok, but I feel worse now.

Firstly I thinks most of us lose our identity to a point when we have young children, so I'd say its pretty normal to be feeling like you've lost touch with the person behind the mummy mask. You seem to be comfortable in your own company when away from domestic downers if you know what I mean, so I'd say you're pretty comfortable with who you are deep down. Your children are young, you became a single mum quite recently. It takes time to learn to identify with people from a different perspective on life when your values and priorities have changed. This feeling of people judging you as a parent, could it be more likely your judgement of yourself? We constantly judge ourselves as parents because we care about our children and want to do right by them. I think it is important to connect with people no matter how difficult it seems as you need to avoid isolating yourself. Just try to do one thing each week to make a connection, talk about any old crap and just be in grown up land for five minutes. Focus on the fact you made the effort rather than what the person thinks of you. I wish you all the best.

Actually OP, I think the fact that you are aware you do the second-guessing thing is really good. I know someone who does this and they find it exhausting too. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but I hope you can get some ongoing support from your GP - you sound aware and determined to me, and I hope you can schedule in some nature rest breaks to give yourself a bit of relaxation. Be kind to yourself.

Hi...I think one of the things that jumped out was that your partner left because he said you were boring...that opinion has stuck. And as a result it has made you question if you are boring then make the assumption that you are and then believe it to be true. What is a definition of boring? Some people may find people that are quiet boring...others may find people quiet thoughtful and interesting. Boring is just a concept...it does not exist here in reality. It helps to question the truth of thoughts and actually look to see if there is evidence. You are believing your thoughts to be true without questioning them. You believed your partners opinion to be true...but that's all it was- an opinion...I may have a different opinion if I met you...is your partners more true that mine? No they are both just opinions,they don't exist here in reality. Xxx

I hope that message came across ok 😰

Thank you all so much for your responses. They have boosted me so much and I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your perspectives. I'm going to keep re-reading them when I'm feeling a bit shitty about things. Feeling better already. THANK YOU X