I gave birth to my second child four months ago and birth to my first child two years ago.
Following the birth of my first child, I seemed to have a personality change. I grew unreasonably angry, negative and self pitying. My DH was an absolute saint and over time, these feelings started to lessen, particularly when I went back to work.
I am now four months into maternity leave with my DC 2. DC 1 goes to nursery Mon-Weds and I have them both on Thurs & Fri.
I dread Thurs & Fri. I get through it, thanks to toddler groups, but these disappear over the summer. DC1 is very active and needs constant stimulation and DC2 needs constant attention. DC1 can play quietly every so often, but prefers to engage Kevin play. I use the television more than I would like. At weekends, we are always all out and about as a family.
I resent my life at the moment. God knows why, I have a wonderful, hands on husband, a lovely house and am comfortable. I am overweight and am currently on a healthy diet and exercise plan that is showing results.
I just seem to bounce between unreasonable anger and self pity. I am negative about everything. When I get angry, I'm not violent but I raise my voice and I imagine it scares DC1. My anger is never towards DC, but always verbal towards DH. I can only think this is because I resent that my DH does not have a child attached to him 24/7 and I resent him for that, even though he equally parents when he is at home.
I don't get breaks. I BF DC1 and she will not take expressed milk. She does feed efficiency and can leave around three hours between feeds, so I could do something then, but my negativity and self pitying causes me to play martyr, which just turns into further resentment towards my DH.
I've tried CBT in the past, but just can't seem to 'get' it, so it's never really helped.
Is this some form of depression? My DH says not, because I'm not like this at work. He's right and this shut down has stopped me from taking to him further about it. I don't know if I need help or to just somehow get a grip. All I know is that it's ruining me and our family life at the moment.
Any insight really appreciated.