Overbearing friend getting me down.

[BeccaR267]

My friend is thoughtful, helpful and means well. Our girls play together and we live on the same street. However, whenever I see her I cannot get away from her, she talks, invites herself in, invites my daughter over and feeds her all the time without asking me. She has said it’s a cultural thing and manners to feed guest. I have explained our culture doesn’t feel the same and if I am making my daughter tea, I don’t want her leaving it, as she has been fed there. If we go out, she refuses to let me pay, she will take my children out and send them home with the money I have sent them with. You may think this is kind. But I am just overwhelmed. I am capable of supporting my own children, I like my own space and as I see her everyday and must get stuck for at least an hour every day, it’s getting me down. How do I say no and make her listen to my requirements. It’s almost as though she is now controlling me and I will look like the bad person if we fall out, as she can then use the “look at everything I did or paid for” card. I don’t want to fall out with her. I just haven’t got time to stand on my doorstep and talk every time she comes over or I go to collect my daughter from her house. I’m losing sleep, it’s making me feel sick, I’m anxious and I am now on anti-depressants as it’s all getting too much. My friend suffers with depression, so I would hope she’d understand, but every time I try to hint or explain my wishes, they seem to be ignored 😭😭😭

Oh crikey, that sounds very difficult, and like you are firmly entrenched in her way of being. Yes to a certain degree it sounds like she is being kind, but then it flips into controlling and also like she is not listening to you at all. Do you have other friends that you could direct your attention to and lessen it from her? Have you tried just blatantly saying 'no, I'm busy now/I don't want that for my daughter/I don't want her to have food as I am making dinner now.' You absolutely won't be the bad person if you fall out with her. If you don't believe me then scroll through other forums on here and you will easily find posts about friendships that are ending etc and it is just part of life. You are not responsible for her or her mental or emotional health. If she can't/won't listen to you then it is time to politely but firmly tell her to back off. Your mental health is not worth sacrificing over this relationship. Conversely though, perhaps this relationship is showing you something about the way that you are relating to others that you need to review. It's time to find your own boundaries and stick to them. A heck of a lot easier said than done but a necessary thing to learn I believe!

You need to be honest with her.
Tell her you value her friendship but feel offended when she insists on paying for everything. Let her know that you feel anxious and sometimes need time to yourself.
If she values you as a friend she will understand but if she doesn't then you will have to cut her off.
You need to take care of yourself, not her feelings.

Thanks- I have written it down and am going to either post a letter or send a text, as I’ll find it hard to say face to face. But I have to do this for my sake now, as it’s making me poorly.

The advice you've had from the first two posters is so good I really don't think I have anything to add. They're both right.

Great, do it. The fall out might be messy or painful, but view it as a first step to regaining who you are as separate from her. And it's totally ok to piss someone else off, I try to remind myself that quite a lot of people think nothing of it at all. Some of us just learn it later in life, that's all. I think you will do both of you a favour by doing this.

She’s been and still is a really good friend and I feel awful for posting in a way. But I cannot do it any more. I have asked several times and it doesn’t sink in. When I am constantly ignored, it does make me wonder how much respect she has for me. My daughter is such a good eater and she will eat there and then eat here and it’s not healthy. She’s put around half a stone on and as she’s only 8 it really shows. Her daughter is a poor eater and very slender. I like to monitor what my daughter is eating, as I don’t want her becoming overweight or having to then stop her from eating food or turn it into an issue. But if it carries on, it will end up that way. I can’t walk to my car without getting talking or her waiting for me and then we get chatting and it can be 30 minutes, but this is twice a day. I’m happy to socialise or meet for a coffee and catch up, but it’s 1-2 hours a day I lose most days and I work and have other things I need to be doing. I know she has a kind heart, but it is quite rude to ignore my polite requests and undermine my parenting and I hate this financial hold. I am more than capable of paying for my own children meals out or cinema tickets. So the letter is drafted and will be posted. I hope she sees that I don’t want to fall out with her. But if she takes offence, there’s not much more I can do, as I have been as polite and honest as I can be.

Is she south Asian?

Lots of what you’re describing is very much culturally expected in Pakistani culture for example, that you feed guests, pay for things etc. There’s whole cultural code around what you pay for/ offer to pay for/ how to refuse/ how to refuse and mean it etc.

A good friend of mine is British Pakistani, from a wealthy Lahore family, and we’ve had a few quite frank chats about how she’s (from my perspective) too generous.

Example from last week-

Me- oh that mango looks lovely and juicy-did you buy it from the market?
She- Oh no- from the greengrocer on Smith Street; Pakistani mangos are in season and
They’re lovely- take this one!
Me- no no, you’re about to eat it, sorry I shouldn’t have mentioned it, now you’ll feel obliged!
She- no no no, I really don’t want it- please take it. I was being greedy. I’ve already had one.
Me- Are we doing the polite gift giving thing?
She- (laughing) I can’t help it! But I really don’t want it. I really am being greedy.
Me- I’m walking away. If you offer me that mango again I’ll have to beat you to death with it.
She- laughs.

And then when I got to work the next day there was a box of in season Pakistani mangos on my desk.

And then I made a mango sorbet for the next time she comes over.

And then she’ll make something in return.

And so we are stuck in an endless loop of being nice to each other. It’s awful, really.

Sorry - although my example is quite trivial, in truth I’m very frank with my friend about where culturally I’m comfortable — as is she. Friendship shouldn’t be a burden, and if you can’t be very honest with your friend, perhaps this isn’t a friendship you deep down want to continue.

Sorry you’re finding this so stressful- and I hope you resolve it.

It's totally ok to be conflicted though, she sounds in a sense really lovely to me but also at the same time like she is stepping over several lines. I really feel like a face to face chat might go down better than a letter or text, but if you feel this is the best way forward for you then go for it!

TheSheepofWallSt - my friend is Chinese. Exactly the same. A born feeder. I appreciate her culture, however when she over rides my wishes and says it’s what her culture does, it doesn’t sit well, as it feels disrespectful. It’s also how I choose to parent. If her daughter was heavier and someone was pushing her to almost overweight status, how would she feel? Friendship is about accepting differences and respecting each other’s wishes and although she gives so much, she also ignores my wishes a lot. This is what upsets me most 😢

@BeccaR267

It’s tricky because you can either see it as disrespect or respect- and that goes both ways- in your behaviour too, for her, there is cultural disrespect, if you see what I mean?

The best thing I think, might be for you to stop letting your DD go on trips with
Them alone- go along and step in and pay for things too. Or return the favour and take
her DC out?

With the food, can you explain to DD the sensitivities and tell her that she can either eat there or at home, not both- and just adjust your meals accordingly? (Ie give DD a light snack instead?) or, culturally for my friend, it would be okay for me to say “I’m so sorry, I’m so full I actually can’t, but it looks delicious- would it be okay if
I took some home to enjoy later when I feel less full?”
She has a stack of Tupperware (and old margarine tubs etc) especially for these scenarios, because it’s so much the “done thing” for her.
If your DD did that, then the cultural
Obligation is discharged for your friend, but Dd doesn’t have to eat it? She can
bring food home to share/ eat a little and have the rest the next day etc?

Or you can sack her off as a friend?

I don’t want to sack her off as a friend. I do respect her culture and we regularly accept food gifts. But if I try to pay or return a favour. She literally refuses. I have mentioned that I am making tea for my daughter and said she can play, but to only give her a piece of fruit or light snack. But last time it ended up being curry and rice. So I am trying my best to compromise. The worst thing for me is my inability to get away from the door step. I can be making tea and drop a hint and it falls on deaf ears. She can watch my daughter across the road and doesn’t need to talk for half an hour every time. It’s becoming stifling. I want a friendship, but a catch up coffee morning like I do with my other friends is fine. It doesn’t make her any less a friend if we don’t talk every single day. I have so much to do at home and can’t afford to lose an entire day a week standing idle chit chat. Do probably spend 6-7 hours a week getting caught collecting my daughter or her bringing her home. I need some persona space and independence. But don’t want us to never speak again. Hope I’m explaining myself well enough. I don’t dislike her. I just need her to listen and give me some breathing space.

So do exactly what you want then. Politely tell her you have to go now as you have other things to do. She might carry on talking but just politely but firmly bring the conversation to an end. Just like you would with anyone else when it is time to go. She doesn't want to stop, she has made that clear, so she won't do this for you. You need to just say it's time to go and back away. That's not impolite, that's just respecting your own time.