Do I need help? Is this normal?

[Heymummee]

I’m struggling to see the wood for the trees and whenever I speak to anyone in real life I feel like what I’m experiencing is being minimised or sometimes completely ignored.

I’m sorry in advance if this is long, but I’m hoping by typing out how I feel I might get some clarity and see how I can move forward.

Some background info, I’m 33, work full time with 2 beautiful children and I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. For the most part our relationship is good. We are best friends and aside from the usual loss of intimacy brought about by having busy work lives and children to care for I can’t really complain. This isn’t what this is about anyway, but may be a contributing factor.

For years, and I mean years; maybe even a decade, I’ve struggled with my mental health.

For example this morning I woke up and within 5 minutes I burst into tears. No reason, just floods of tears and a horrible anxious feeling which lasted most of the day.

I find it almost impossible to motivate myself to do things, until I start and I’m almost obsessive with them. Like tidying the house for example, it’s all or nothing.

I don’t want to harm myself. I also don’t struggle with my bond with my children. The best way I can describe it is that some days I feel like a darkness has descended on me and I can’t shake it.

I struggle with obsessive behaviours like counting things, such as my steps when I walk, items of laundry when I’m folding it or putting it in the machine or when I’m packing shopping. I get one line from random songs pop into my head and they repeat for the whole time I’m awake for literally a week at a time.

I’m constantly worrying about where I am in my life, have I achieved anything, am I with the right man, am I a good enough mum, I also have intrusive thoughts which I find extremely upsetting.

For seemingly no apparent reasons my hands quiver at random times and I get a weird feeling of weakness in my hands. I stumble over words and get words completely mixed up.

I’ve been to the GP at least 4 times about this and the response is the same, try online counselling. Nothing helps.

So I suppose my question is, what on earth is this? How can I be taken seriously? What’s happening to me and what help should I ask for? Do I even need help or am I just experiencing stress?

If you’ve managed to read it all, thank you.

Bump

You have quite bad anxiety there...I have same. It’s a shame GP not more helpful. It’s not normal but it’s normal for someone with anxiety and, I suspect, depression too. Can you afford private therapy? Should be about £40 an hour depending where you live. It does really help. You can get some great anxiety workbooks from Amazon too. I’m also finding the Calm app helpful on my phone...it’s meditation and stuff. You will get through this. Anxiety UK website is good too. Are you on any hormonal contraceptives? They can sometimes cause this too.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Private therapy isn’t really an option, I’ve been making my way through various books but I’ll try the app you suggested! Thank you.
I’m not on any contraceptives. I do notice it’s worse during certain times of the month so maybe worth discussing that with the Dr next time. Thanks again

Surely prioritising your health by seeking therapy is more important.
You dismissed it straight away.
OCD behaviour can come about due to anxiety.
It’s a way on controlling things around you when other parts of your life my be out of your control.
Well done for recognising that you need to seek support.
Anxiety uk website may be useful.

Could you be peri menopausal? You don’t need to be 50 for the symptoms to start. I was 42.
I ask because the change or lack of hormones can cause MH issues.

I can’t cope with stress anymore and my resilience is so low. I’m on HRT but I still struggle.

Sorry to hear how you're feeling and that it's been minimised or ignored by those around you. I think I understand what you mean about the dark descending, I've felt similar. Yesterday I felt quite anxious in the morning and was on the verge of tears most of the day for no reason! I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts/becoming obsessive over counting and checking things etc. and having phrases stuck in my head on repeat.

I wouldn't say what you're feeling is 'normal' but you are not alone in feeling that way. It's horrible though and your doctor should be trying to help. Could you try seeing another GP? Could you at least be put on a waiting list for funded counselling if private isn't an option? Is there anything in particular that is contributing to your anxiety and is there anything you can do to change that? I also found medication has helped both my mood in general and to reduce my tendency to get stuck in a downward spiral of worry. Is that something you would consider?

Thanks everyone.
I would love to be able to pay for private counselling, but it’s just not an option. I agree I need to see another dr so I’ll make that my next move and speak to them about a referral for CBT. They gave me a leaflet last time and said I can self refer, but all the information in there was just for online courses which I completed and felt no different.
I don’t think I could be peri menopausal, is that possible at my age? I’m 33.

There’s no one thing contributing to how I feel, that’s what makes it so difficult for people around me to understand I think. They expect me to be able to pinpoint “why” or at least try and identify a few key things which I could change which would help. Seemingly I have a good life. I have a job I love, a lovely house, a family I adore, yet this awful feeling hanging over me.

It's a shame you can't get counselling, it would be the best way to explore why you feel the way you do.
Some charities offer free counselling if you could look into that? Could you save up until you have enough money? I know it could take a while but it could be worth it.
The problem with doctors is they treat the symptoms not the cause.

This might sound a bit 'our there' but I really think meditation & yoga will help you. Find a group if possible but you can download meditation apps, there are loads around. Really helps with anxiety & a sense of overwhelm. Also make sure you're getting enough exercise. Walking is free & calming, needs to be brisk to get the benefit. Cut out as much processed food, sugar & refined carbs from your diet as you can, get plenty of fresh food, whole grains & protein. Stop drinking (If you drink at all that is) & cut down on caffeine. You can get on top of this but you need to take control. Good luck OP

@1WayOrAnother

Not 'out there' at all....Good advice. Yoga has totally helped my daughter. She does it every day from downloaded apps.
It's changed her life,along with doing a gratitude journal and watching positive self help videos on the internet.

Any chance of working less? Without a lot of help- housekeeper, massively helpful grandparents I think 2x working parents and 2 dcs is unsustainable.

@Heymummee
How are you?

Sorry you feel like this, I feel like you would benefit from therapy as well, as you post is about feeling misunderstood. A therapist is paid to try and meet you in that place and walk with you as you unpick what has led you there. Good luck. You don't mention why therapy is not an option but I would strongly recommend it.

Sorry everyone. Been mega busy. Feeling the same today. Overwhelmed, quite tearful. I’ve made an appointment to speak to the GP next week.
Working less would be lovely! Long term it’s not really an option financially and also without jeopardising my position, but short term I’m only working 3 days a week which is making a big difference.
Hoping the GP can refer me for some CBT and that the wait isn’t too long.
I have downloaded a mindfulness app which I’m going to start tonight. My plan is to do that every night before bed and fingers crossed it will help.
You’ve all offered me some really good advice, thank you