Feel like I'm falling apart

[Lozza1170]

This post is probably going to be long, it's probably not going to make much sense either. I just need to get out what's in my head because I feel on the edge of a complete breakdown. I've been with my husband for almost 13 years and married for 10, we have a 9 year old boy together too. I just feel so trapped. He is always really angry, he gets cross at everything. When we're out he yells at other drivers, gets cross with people in supermarkets and I get really anxious always anticipating confrontation. An example is we went to a supermarket the other day and he stayed in the car while I went shopping with our son. When I came out he was stood outside the car yelling at some poor woman who had accidentally touched his car when she opened her door. The woman was wearing a uniform for the supermarket so my husband was threatening to go in and complain to her manager. I was mortified. When we're at home he constantly yells at our son, always telling him to shut up and go away. Or he gets really cross with him over the slightest thing and when I ask him to stop he says I never take his side. Because I've suffered such bad anxiety over the last 9 years, I've been a bit of a hermit and no longer have any real friends. I feel like I'm completely trapped in this situation, I have no way out. I'm really frightened of being on my own. I haven't worked since having our son so have no money of my own, I'm now full time at uni so not sure how I'd get a job and be a single parent too. This isn't how I pictured my life, I can't see it ever getting any better. I've asked my husband to get some help but he refuses to admit there's even a problem.

That sounds difficult and no wonder you feel trapped. From what you have written, it sounds like your husband is, I can't think of a better word, an arsehole. There are many of them around, so he is in good company, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him. No wonder you are anxious, it seems like you are walking on egg-shells around his emotional volatility. Does he ever experience shame after the anger? Or admit that he might have been wrong? Is there any sense at all that he is uncomfortable with the way he is behaving? When you were mortified at the shop would it have been possible to ask him to (rationally) calm down?
So, what steps do you currently take to manage your anxiety? You are studying so perhaps you are looking towards your future and possible financial independency so that is encouraging. In the meantime could you look into other sources of financial aid or perhaps staying with someone with your son while you finish your degree?
I wonder whether perhaps this is a breakthrough rather than a breakdown? Time to move out from the cage of your relationship and also of the ways in which you tell yourself you are not good enough. Because whether or not your husband changes, your post screams of someone who is looking for a new life and a new way of being. So good luck.
I realise that I have put loads of questions in my post, and I encourage you to start asking yourself if there is more than meets the eye in your current situation. You can do this.

Wooly has some really good points, OP.

With as much support as you need, you can change the course of your life and your son's. Being at uni right now is fantastic for you both. You say your husband has been this way for 9 years and does not want to change. So you have a wonderful opportunity right now to empower yourself - and have a better, calmer, happier future for you and your boy. You really can do this - do not let your past doubt your strength.