Jealousy I can't shake or appreciate my own life.

[PeppyPiggy]

My parents scraped the barrel and sent me to private schools (we moved around a lot so went to a lot of different schools ranging from very "rah rah rah" super posh, to the kinds of schools that turn you into high grade making machines). Parents were not rich, it was just the choice they had made for their own reasons. Now I'm mid twenties, I'm a neurologist in training, it's intense work. Not at my full earning potential yet but even when I do reach that my life will still be a world away from my friends. They all (literally) have houses already, houses with BIG gardens, Jacuzzi's, gorgeous kitchens (I live right down south btw this is so expensive here), really expensive cars that I don't understand how on earth they got, puppies, louboutins, do yoga, go on holidays where people seem to be taking professional photos of them, the ones with kids have their kids at private schools. Yet they are nannies, secretaries, estate agents, receptionists, beauticians, or their parents bought them properties to set up their own shops (even though they have no business savvy and constantly fail at it) they didn't graduate, half of them failed doing a levels (like, failed even turning up). I understand that this lifestyle comes from having parents who are able to facilitate it for them and that I don't have this and never will. I understand that I have to work a lot harder. It's hard to just get to a point where I settle into accepting that I'm not going to have this life no matter how hard I work and if I ever do I will likely be old. Seeing their kids on edifying or gorgeous holidays, in their private school uniforms, doing all kinds of wonderful things while my LO goes to a farm about three times a year and that's it. I can barely afford rent it's so much here. I can't afford to get dresses and nice outfits, I say no when I get asked to come out because I feel so embarrassed of myself. I post nothing on my social media because then the comparison is right in front of my face, my life right next to friends lives. Start to feel like I'm always looking at the greener grass next door. I don't speak about this to anyone. I know it's wrong. Just wanted to get it out I guess.

Oh OP, this is so very very sad. You can always make new friends? The rest of us are pretty lovely, even if we’re not totally loaded.

It's not wrong, it's poignant and difficult. You've been schooled in a world populated mostly by peers whose parents wouldn't have had to make sacrifices to have them educated privately. That's where you learned not just social skills and about the kind of expectations that go with being 'upper' middle class (and beyond) but you would naturally have formed an identity and persona and been informed by 'values' that typify that world. Now, in trying to relate to (and preserve relationships with) the friends you made there you find considerable dissonance between their means and your own. And yet for understandable reasons you feel identified with their 'way of being' socially and may not feel you belong socially in the world you're making your living in and surviving through. It reminds me a bit of the old dilemma that many people from very working class backgrounds had after being fortunate enough to go to university - they later found it very difficult to identify comfortably with family and friends who hadn't experienced higher education and the kind of social experiences and status that went along with it. Again, a kind of identity crisis.

As far as I'm aware there's a distinction between jealousy and envy. The former describes anger-based feelings of being threatened because something you have or own might be taken away by someone else, while the latter refers to deep frustration at not having what someone else has that you very much want. The distinction is useful so you might use it to reframe and clarify your perspective on what's troubling you, but perhaps more significant is the 'continuum' aspect of envy and jealousy - the reality of how they kind of meet in the middle and blur the distinction - because fundamentally they stem from feelings of self-doubt and insecurity fed by unresolved anger, confusion and desire. Powerful feelings that can be very troubling and difficult to contain, threatening one's sense of self and 'belonging'. If you had an opportunity to examine those feelings and work them through you might find some peace with the kind of dichotomy you seem to be experiencing between some of the formative social influences in your background and the relatively 'narrower' means of your current life. You've recognised already that there are disadvantages to being propped up and bailed out by wealthy parents, for example - it's hardly character-building and can betray a lack of real integrity. You, on the other hand, are learning self-reliance and living within your means which, while at times painful and very demanding, reflects something of immense value to your LO.

I found a workbook and audio book meditation by a writer called Shakti Gawain - 'Creating True Prosperity' - immensely valuable both in training my perspective on what constitutes genuine abundance, and in opening my perception up in a way that brought me greater financial stability. It occurs to me to mention it to you here.

But I'd also suggest exploring the role of envy in your perceptions of others and yourself. As I suggested above, it's fed by anger and frustration which is likely to be connected to your relationship with your parents originally. Some focused therapeutic exploration of that dynamic would potentially help to shift things for you so that ultimately you redefine yourself in a way that brings you greater security, although initially at least it's likely to be painful or upsetting. Is that something you'd consider? I feel very strongly that you're talking fundamentally about your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

You’ll come through it OP. You’re pretty young. What you’re feeling is normal and natural but you are carving your own life, with the power of your own mind, and starting from a different starting point. If you imagine them all exactly as they are but devoid of all the advantages, and starting at the same financial level as you, you would be far, far beyond them.

I used to feel envy when my rich friends with monied parents bought them homes and financed their career-switching/changing work passions...but I don’t now and haven’t for a long time. I’ve dug in and built my own life. Each and every one of those financially lucky people have their own problems and I would not swap my life for theirs, and never would have, really.

A neurologist?! That’s amazing.

You’ll be good Wait it out, the feelings will pass. And extend your friendship group as you go.