Hi, I apologise in advance for the long post but I have no where else I can voice these feelings, I know how awful they are and I don't know what to do.
Since the birth of my third child my mental health has declined massively. I always had mental health issues, i had self harmed in the past but after having my eldest, motherhood came naturally too me and I loved it. I have been admitted over 8 times to hospital for suicide attempts since 2018 but in the last six months, I haven't done anything.
I'm now really depressed again, struggling to get out of bed, I haven't bathed because my room is a mess and I have put laundry away to even find clean clothes. I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, GAD and depression. I'm on meds and I'm in therapy that has helped massively. I have an amazing supportive partner who has helped me through everything.
Since this depressive episode I've noticed it's the kids that I don't want to see. It sounds awful, I love them so much and it breaks my heart that I'm avoiding them. I'm starting to think maybe it's because I'm a mum that I'm feeling this way. My sister had the kids yesterday and I honestly dreaded picking them up again and I burst into tears when I got home for even thinking that because when I look at them, all I feel is unconditional love. I often think of running away but the thought of leaving them stops me every time.
I'm tired of having a constantly messy house with no energy, I don't leave the house often because it's so much stress getting all three kids ready and out the house and normally one of them is playing up and I regret trying at all. I hate the fact there is always cleaning to be done, bathing kids, just the monotonous stuff that all parents do and rarely struggle with.
Am I a bad mum? Does it get easier? When will I enjoy being a mum again and why did I stop? I miss loving being a mum now everything is too hard.