I lost my mum, overnight, unexpectedly in January and Ive been struggling ever since.
But I don't know what has happened in the past 3 weeks but I can barely function. I have missed important hospital appointments and others, I struggled to even get my children to school, since they broke up, Ive hid in my bedroom with my laptop, looping the same things on you tube and just hiding away. I havent washed or bathed or brushed my hair in a couple of weeks, and I feel as this is a site where it is mostly anonymous that I can finally share how I feel, I either can't sleep or sleep all day, I don't eat, I won't answer the phone or talk to anyone.
The school set up a Early Help Assessment, which they twisted everything I said and told lies about me, it took me a lot to trust them and now that has completely gone.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to 'talk' to anyone, I can't, Im not a talker, I tried messaging a grief helpgroup but as soon as they asked for my name and address I backed off.
Two years before my mum died I let her down very very badly, my dad died after suffering for 6 months with cancer of the oesophagus, he went from a strong man to a skeleton, when he died I couldnt cope, my mum had never dealt with bills or anything and I said I would take over and thats where I let her down, I gambled some of her money, I wanted to just be in a place where I didnt have to think for a while, doing that gave me that and even though toward the end she understood I was ill and would never have done that if I was well, I cant stop thinking how badly I let her down, even though in her finally year she relied on me for everything.
I cant change the past, I followed her down to hospital when she collapsed and she picked up, when I was there, when I left she was conherent and I told her Id be there first thing as it was midnight and I needed to get back to my children who my oldest 29 was looking after.
The morning after the police knocked on the door telling me to call the hospital, I called and my mums heart had stopped, they said they were working on her but to get there asap. She died alone, I wasn't there, she must have been so scared, even though they told me she passed out immediately due to a clot in her lungs and would be in a coma, she would know nothing, but I cant forget she was alone and I wasnt there.
I honestly don't know how to get past how i feel, Im still here as I have young children, 7 and 14 my son is autistic. If they wasnt I dont think I would be. My daughter who witnessed my mum collapse won't let me go anywhere alone, she want's to look after me. I have a huge house that I cant cope with, 3 garden's, 3 living rooms, I need to sell, but havent the energy and I really don't want to go to appointments with people I don't know and where I really don't know what Im doing.
Thank you to anyone who reads this, who's listened to me vent, i feel a little weight lifted. Any advice from anyone who's been here would be greatly appreciated.