To want the self hatred to stop.

[NeverGettingBetter]

I know this isn’t really me BU but I need some help. I am so exhausted. For years I’ve had low self esteem but since turning 40 the confidence I used to be able to fake has just vanished and I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I hate myself. Absolutely despise everything about myself. I cringe at looking back on my life, things and on everything I’ve done, said, behaved.

I’m obsessed with how I look. I am pretty gross, and ever since childhood I’ve always been defined by being big, awkward and it’s embedded into me that this is where most of my self worth lies. Even though I know I’ve never been a beauty, I could feign confidence and carry it off. Until the last few years, and it’s just become so all consuming. At school I was bullied and it’s always stayed with me. I was branded a waste of space by my teachers and that I would never amount to anything. Which is completely true.

I’m miserable in my marriage. Been with him for more than 20 years. Left school and met him first few years were good but every year has just got worse. But I’m stuck. It’s complicated, but I gave up work 15 years ago to become a SAHM. I did not foresee it turning out to be such a disaster, as I literally have no confidence or courage to get a job/leave/start again. I know it’s completely pathetic.

My husband does work hard but he’s very childish. He completely owns me financially and he knows it.

His behaviour just upsets me. One example here is this that I had taken the kids away for the night last night (he doesn’t usually come because he likes to work/doesn’t want to associate with my friends) We has lunch out. He’s in a sulk because he wanted a take away for his tea, but we aren’t hungry but we still would have had something, but he’s outside on his own now drinking gin. I bought him pizza, which I know I’ll have to cook him or he will keep his strop on. This behaviour is constant. He basically hates me having interests and a life of my own. He’d much rather he was the only focus in my life. He has no real friends, interests or hobbies (all through choice) . The only thing he has is me and the DC and it’s suffocating.

We are going on holiday this week with DC (13,11,9) and I’m dreading it. I hate my body (2/3 stone over weight) and I really hate being stuck anywhere with DH because of the intensity of not knowing if we will fall out or not. He’s always accusing me of being angry. But I’m not angry, I’m exhausted. So so tired of feeling stuck and lacking confidence to move forward from this rut I’m stuck in.

I was on ADs for a while but they really gave me awful side effects. I got fatter and I couldn’t sleep well.

I’m wondering if I need counselling or therapy? I don’t know how good these things are because I can’t ever see myself having a sense of value or worth! How can talking to a stranger about your past make yourself feel better?

There are a few things I do which I enjoy, but even they have started to just lose interest for me. I don’t feel I’m good enough, and I feel self conscious about doing them so I’m not enjoying them, it’s a vicious circle. I know it’s silly, but I feel too fat, ugly and stupid to deserve to do them.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. My lack of self esteem is totally all consuming. I try to hide it for the kids. The eldest DS now picks up on the was DH speaks to me and will speak to me in a similar manner. It’s soul destroying never having someone to fight my corner when I know I’m being disrespected so badly.

Where do I start? Who do I speak to? I know I can’t carry on feeling this negative but I can’t stop myself and the voices in my head that tell me constantly how worthless I am! I want to enjoy my life. I’m 40, and I know life is precious. But the years are being eaten up by the same feelings I have about myself and my life.

Didn't just want to read and leave. Really sorry for the situation you are in. However, all these issues are fixable! The weight can be lost, I don't need to tell you of all the numerous healthy ways of eating. It's not easy, but it can happen gradually. Joining support groups on Facebook, Instagram on weight loss may help here. There are numerous people who are overweight but decide enough is enough and take the measures to lose the weight. You will also feel better whenever you see progress even if just a little bit.
On the other issues;
A good start would be a therapist (either privately, if you can afford it or the NHS) , if neither is an option, self-help books on loving oneself and self worth etc /audiobooks (audio are better, because for some reason hearing it, as if it's being said to you, is better).

I would then get a job, any job even part time. Your children are old enough and spend most of their days at school. You need to get some sort of financial independence (a full time job would be better because you could save).

Finally, and after the job, get rid of your HB! In fact if you were financially stable I would have said the first thing to do would be to get rid of him. He is not good for your already fragile mental health and low self-esteem issues. You have 3 children to raise, you don't need another in form of an adult! Good luck. You can do it. You just need to know that it wouldn't happen overnight, and it will take effort. However, it's worth it because it's not right to be that unhappy. Not fair on yourself or your children.

Thank you Brot. I’ve managed to lose weight in the past, but it always goes back on. I know that DH is a bit of a sabotage at times. I’ve been much heavier, but I always feel that when one thing is fixed or improving, I fixate on something else. I’ve always hated everything about my entire appearance. I don’t have many photos of myself with the kids at all. Partly because I’ve no one to take them and partly because I hate seeing my own picture. I’ve aged terribly in the last few years and barely recognise myself now.

I’m stuck in a body I hate, in a marriage I hate, in a house I hate and feel like a complete prisoner. I know as you say it’s fixing each issue at a time, but it really is extremely hard to know where to go in.

I don’t have access to finances to pay for private therapy, so know it would be through the NHS, but what do I say to my GP? What happens if they just decide that I only require medication again? I really don’t want medication.

I’ve thought about the books, but I know that if it’s just words on paper then the negative thoughts can easily shout that down as nonsense. It’s the “bullies in my head” that control EVERYTHING I do and make me worthless. It’s that which I’m constantly fighting against.

I adore my kids, but I bitterly regret not walking out years ago. He can be wonderful but it’s always about him and what fits in with him. If there’s every anything I’m worried about or if I need help or reassurance I’m shot down in flames for being a nag. I’m anxious and I don’t like to live life to the 11th hour any more! I could cope when I was about her but I just hate that way of living now. He never does his share of anything to help out. I know I’m supposed to do all the housework, but it’s exhausting! He doesn’t appreciate it and he doesn’t recognise it, and whenever he does do something like wash a load of his clothes the. He makes a big fuss and I feel guilty like I’ve not done my share of everything.

He was brought up with a “traditional” values and he has very old fashioned views.

Oh, OP, I feel so sad for you reading that. You sound so defeated.

I’m wondering if I need counselling or therapy? I don’t know how good these things are because I can’t ever see myself having a sense of value or worth! How can talking to a stranger about your past make yourself feel better?

It can help, trust me. I've been there. I used to say exactly the same thing. "How can unloading on a complete stranger possibly help me in any way?" But it really can help. You don't have to feel like this forever, I promise.

Your husband sounds toxic. When you learn how to like yourself more, you'll realise you deserve a lot better than him.

OP. I think therapy should be your first start. You need to believe in yourself first before the other things fit into place. You can tell your gp that you don't want the meds because you have tried them before and they made you feel worse/bad/didn't solve the problem as you said. Tell him/her that you feel trapped and want to speak to someone (you might have to wait a while on the NHS). However you can try local self-help groups. Even online groups to begin with.
You are only 40 and have 3 kids to live for and your own life. I know it is probably difficult to speak to a stranger, but these are trained professionals so their opinion would be neutral and confidential. I know a few people who have tried therapy and it has significantly helped them. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. On the books, they are just a piece of paper as you say, but it all positive with an aim to make you realise your value. So if you take them to mean more than just paper, it will help. Also, do make pictures with your children. They are memories that you can look back to in future when you are in a better place and realise how great you have done. Aside from that, you need to recognise that not taking pictures might not take away from you but might take away an experience from your children. I am sure they love and value you no matter your size.
You can also set yourself small goals with an aim of achieving them at a certain date. Every time you achieve a goal it will make you feel better because you are closer to the bigger goal and if not it's an indication that you need to do more. Just try, it's so sad that you have to live like that. But if you don't do anything now, you wouldn't move on and you will regret in future. Please don't think I am underestimating your issues, i know how difficult it might be, but I also believe that you can do it and you've taken the first step in articulating how you feel and recognising that you need change. Xx

Thank you both so much for your words of support. I really appreciate you reading and replying to my thoughts.

I know I have about a million different issues going on in my head, and at 40 it’s not like that’s unusual, although the intensity of the bad stuff probably is compared to most. The sense of calm and control I’d have to knock stuff to the back of my mind as a coping strategy is finally starting to cave in. When I was young and I was bullied I had the most incredible resilience. I managed to block out the really bad stuff as I didn’t want to jet the weakness in. The bullying was always going to have an end point because I would leave school and the boys wouldn’t be able to follow. I don’t have that security now because I can’t escape from myself! All the positive energy I can muster these days is emotionally invested, as it should be, into making sure my children have no idea of how I feel so that it doesn’t affect them in a way it has a danger of potentially doing. I never want them to have any of the sense of failing, despair or self depreciation that I suffer.

I’m going to try and make an appointment to see my GP ASAP. I just don’t feel like myself or recognise what’s happening. I desperately want some kind of normality to anchor myself to so that I can start making positive changes. I want the positive changes to stick with me and to stop failing at everything I do.

CBT has something called a low self esteem treatment protocol. It's about 3-6 months long and you can usually get it free from your local NHS IAPT service. Google yours and get referred. Treatment is available!

Dear fellow restless soul,
speak to your GP (the one you get on with best); they will refer you to a psychologist (it can take up to 18 wks.). Keep seeing the same GP or nurse, so you have someone to offload too &/or try Samaritans (they are great - DH doesn't agree - but I have always found them worth talking too.)

My GP says there is a vicious cycle of depression & self-esteem - sometimes you'll feel OK and great & others really low & down on yourself.

When, you don't believe in yourself (know that somewhere, some else does), and the good thing is that you will go up again & feel better/more able & be OK.

I thought when I was younger i felt I just shy; but later was told by the 'experts' and realised it was low self-esteem. Lots of people suffer from this not just you and me.
But people with low self-esteem are survivors, we keep going despite our inner angst. Sadly, we keep hurting/blaming ourselves in a way we wouldn't do to our close family or friends. I hate the word 'strong' so be flexible and bend to the situation - sometimes you can cope better than others - So Go with the Flow at Your Pace!
Yes, CBT works and there are good counselors out there. But, it will all take ages (OK, that is over-stating it - several months or more & you have to work at it & it will be hard), & you cannot go from low self-esteem to super-confidence in 4 wks.

Improving self-esteem is like dieting - find the right support for you & keep at it, when you fall off the wagon as you will, just find the right support again & keep at it. Self-help books are useful - but human support is essential.
We are only human - not perfect!
Take care of yourself now

I was sad to read this. You sound like you really need a hug!! And in all seriousness some time out. Do you have somewhere you can go? It is really admirable that you want to put your children first but you can’t look after other people unless you also care for yourself. Going to see your GP, talking to a therapist, getting out of the house - all the good stuff you’re talking about - those first steps will feel more achievable if you can look at them from outside your normal environment, which seems to be really instrumental in grinding you down. Maybe take your posts on here along to show the GP - it might be easier than trying to verbalise how you are feeling in that first appointment.

I would also suggest that you talk to your GP or Citizens Advice Bureau or similar about your home and financial situation; it does not sound like you currently have a healthy relationship with your husband but you are not trapped and there are resources out there that could be available to help you.

You can refer yourself for nhs therapy.
They'll phone and speak to you and decide from there what will be best to help you.

Just concentrate on one thing at a time, so you're not overwhelmed.

Please take just one little step, and it can be the start of your journey.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are feeling this way. We are moving this thread to our Mental Health area now as we don't think AIBU is quite right for it.

Best wishes.

Hi OP, I’ve been thinking about you. Hope you’re doing ok x

Dear Op, I can relate to how you feel. Once your self esteem is on the floor it's very hard to pick it up and carry on particularly if you feel those that should've supporting you aren't. Two things that have really helped me with confidence (I'm a similar age to you) are exercise - it really is like a miracle cure, it makes you feel great and helps with weight loss so is a win win. Also I've stopped drinking any alcohol, I don't know if you ever drink but you mentioned that your husband was drinking gin at home so I assumed you have it in the house so you might do. Even if you don't have much it can massively affect your mood, sleep and weight. I just feel so much more positive without it and I know this is true of others that no longer have any too. Exercise can just start at home if you don't feel confident enough to go to the gym. There are lots of brilliant YouTube videos etc out there. It is a journey but treat it almost as you would a job, you get up and your task is to do X today and once it's done you can feel better that you've achieved that goal you've set for yourself then set another for the next day. I hope things start feeling better soon Op.