Sad life, sad mind, sad future

[FingersXssd83]

Really had enough.

-sexually abused as a child by two separate people
-abandoned by by mum during my mid teens
-academic top achiever but wasted opportunities to get into elite universities (oxbridge) and professions
-took recreational drugs/drank heavily throughout my teens and my twenties
-abortion late twenties with current partner who I married and now we want children, IVF is not working for us so facing a future without a family
-isolated both by choice (ie because I'm so down I don't want to engage) but also friends and family don't really bother with me

I'm just so bored of life. Can hardly sleep. All I do is hang around feeling like a sad outsider.

Honestly thought when I met my DH that my life would change. Had the best first year of marriage, refocused my life away from alcohol and began rebuilding relationships and it's all gone to shit again.

What the fuck do I do?

Didn't want to pass by without acknowledging that rough time you have had and are having at the moment.

Have you had therapy?

Thanks for your reply @MargoLovebutter

I've been to the GP a few times with anxiety and have been given medication and fobbed off. Ended up in hospital one time.

Been to counselling as part of my IVF treatment. Wondered whether paying privately for some more so I can talk through wider issues would help.

I honestly just want to die. I have had suicidal thoughts over the years and more recently. I won't do it though. I'm not brave enough. Just want to quickly die so I don't have to carry on with my shit life.

I think you need to get some proper counselling or therapy. You have some serious issues in your past that need to be addressed and cannot be medicated away.

I pay for mine myself because the NHS only give you 6, which isn't enough for complex issues.

It might be worth a call to the Samaritans and they may be able to put you in touch with a counsellor locally.

Really big hug to you.

OP, I’ve no words of wisdom but wanted to say I was so sorry to hear that you feel so desperately unhappy. You need to ask for more help from those qualified to give it. If you can pay then maybe that would be worthwhile.
I really hope things improve for you soon.

From someone who is also going through the wringer,I hope it gets better for you and things start looking up,hope you get the child you've always wantedxxx

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

@FingersXssd83

I read your post and felt like I was reading a post about my life.

I have no advice to give as I am lost too.
Hope things better for you. Sending you hugs and good wishes!!

Thank you ladies for all of your helpful words. I'm at the counsellor's in two weeks about IVF, but I'm going to ask to see her separately about my 'other' issues.

I believe the way I feel right now are all interconnected but being away from the clinic and being able to talk through them might help. Although, I'm sure if/how I'll be able to talk through the abuse.

People who have experienced pain, are bette able to empathise with what others are going through. And for that, perhaps we should be grateful.

I'd like to wish you all every success in finding peace, love and happiness in your lives ❤️

@thisismyneuname @NottonightJosepheen @WhatAMum01 @NoWayDidISayThat @MargoLovebutter @

Good luck OP. Hope things go well. You have a lot to deal with. You sound sensible.

Take care FingersXssd83 and post back here if you need to, I'm glad you have a counselling appointment already in the calendar - whatever it is for.