Mental health

[Lillianjameshoward]

So I’m not a mum and am not expecting to be one for quite some time , I’m still only in my late teens but saw how supportive the community is on here and I just needed somewhere to go.
I argue constantly with my family , we are comfortable and are very lucky to have what we have and that’s all thanks to my parents Whig worked hard to put us here . I have stuggled with body dysmorphia and self esteem issues for years and have hated myself in every way . I felt like I had made progress but now my family life is falling apart the hatred has come back . I am a horrible person who is spoiled and undeserving of what she has , I used to think I was a good person and now I’m not so sure . My parents think I’m vile and ungrateful as maybe they are right . I don’t deserve anything nice and I don’t want to be around my family because I just cause pain . I told them that I coast in life and my urge to be lazy is stronger than my urge to succeed and I loath that quality in me. I don’t think I have a chance because of how unmotivated I am to live . I want to be happy and make my family proud but I feel useless and a waste of space . I bring nothing to anyone’s lives , not even my own .

Don’t take what they say to heart. Reading between the lines (as a parent) it seems that they want you to be happy, and to be happy with what you have and who you are. Ungrateful wasn’t/ isn’t the right word and I suspect it was said in frustration. Learning to be happy is tricky, but (at more than twice your age) I’ve learnt that happiness is a skill you can work at.
Success isn’t measured just in achievements or qualifications, it’s learning to value your self and your life. And that can be a steep learning curve.
I’d guess, from your post, that your parents love you but don’t always articulate it in the ways you’d like (perhaps they show with actions/ money and you’d value words/ time more?).

Iv alway found it hard to communicate with my parents because of how closed if I can be , and your right , they do show affection by buying stuff and I appreciate that I really do and I understand where it’s coming from , but I want support and understanding more that’s objects . I just feel conflicted and I don’t want to seem like I’m leaching off them , in a way I want to fend for myself to take myself away from them . I just don’t know what to do

You aren’t leaching off them. To them, you accepting things is accepting their love, and they want to/ choose to show it in that way. My parents (and dh) are the same, and would be offended if I ever say “no, thanks.” I’m more like you. I’d rather they listened, hugged me, were there. That’s not necessarily their way though. I find I need to ask directly for a hug/ to go for a walk as an excuse to chat etc. I’d prefer it if those things were more forthcoming naturally, but sometimes we have to ask for what we want/ need (and ask specifically: they may not know what support/ understanding looks like to you and probably think they’re showing it already!)

I’m sure your mum & dad love to to bits.
I’m just wondering from your post
Are your mum & dad work oriented
Rather than you time?
In that I mean spending time to listen to you and help you, rather than buy you things they know might make you happy?
All you want is their attention to listen.
Do you have other siblings at home, you maybe able to talk to

They both work full time and my dad works nearly 7 days a week so I don’t see him loads but he is around , I have a sister but I don’t get much support from her because I’m the one doing the supporting .

You can't live your life to make anyone else proud, including family.
It's not helpful that they judge and criticise you in the way they do.
You are probably so down because you've always been made to feel there is some standard, set by them, that you are supposed to meet. Don't be so hard on yourself. You need to find out who YOU really are and want to be!