Aww flipping heck! I need some positive vibes today lovely mums- I feel so blooming lonely and sad - I'm an old hand at living with horrible low self esteem and self loathing which leads to anxiety, isolation and depression which then turns me into a moaning, miserable emotional vampire that folk run away from which then feeds my low self esteem, anxiety etc and round and round I go! I've done this for the best part of 50 years and I know all the theory and wish with all my heart I could just reach inside and pull the soul sucking blackness out of me and become this popular, happy person!
I have tried and failed with every antidepressant known to man - they send my anxiety through the roof or turn me into a zombie - some make me run around the house like pac man devouring everything in sight and my weight balloons - just what a depressed chapess needs - reduced body confidence!
I've been off work for 5 months now after I had a panic attack in an open office - at least that's what my boss said I'd faked because I didn't go clammy or cyanosed! I admit I sank to the floor, I own up to sobbing loudly, saying that I can't cope any more. I ready don't know what happened- only that it did.
Since then the following happened
. all my colleagues blocked me off facebook
. My boss wrote 2 referrals to occupational health stating lots of things such as how I present with a paranoid attitude to work every day, I constantly moan that I have more work than anyone else and that I fake my sight loss (I need injections in my eyes every month to control retinal bleeds caused my a genetic condition and will eventually go blind but I'm cool with that now). I like to think I'm generally self aware and don't recognise the person my manager described - if I am like that I wish they'd spoken to me sooner- I've worked there for 5 years.
I just feel like I'm trapped in some sort of nightmare and my confidence is at rock bottom, I'm avoiding everyone because all I do is moan and talk about what's happened.
I've never fitted in and left every job I've had under a cloud. I've got 3 amazing kids - my grown up dd doesn't contact me any more but that's ok- she comes to me if there's anything wrong and I can help her but she's settled and happy which is great because she struggles with Aspergers and can't really do too many people or stress. My other 2 gorgeous dudes are teenagers but I feel so guilty that I'm not always able to give them the time and energy they deserve. My partner work's all the time and is self employed - he doesn't earn much - about 50 quid a week so that's another worry.
Phew - that's that off my chest! Sorry guys.
I would appreciate some words of wisdom though - I sound upbeat but oh dear it hurts inside!