My mental health is really bad right now due a long combination of factors, some caused by me and my actions and others circumstantial.
I have always been a sensitive and emotional person, even as a child. I feel things very intensely and began having panic attacks at age 10. These attacks caused me to withdraw from many social situations. My first love and I met at 17, and I craved validation and attention from someone. The relationship ended at 19, and I was left with a dis-trust of men which also stems from other areas.
As a result of this dis-trust, I act from a place of attack. I assume a man will cheat on me or harm me, and so I do it first. I am consumed with envy, self-loathing and pain.
I have PMDD which makes me very erratic and volatile emotionally. The swings are comparable to BPD. Yesterday, I felt close to leaving this world.
I find it hard to feel happiness as a woman in a world that devalues and abuses women. In a world where my sole function is to reproduce and die. I lost my mother this year and feel hopeless. I am cheating on a wonderful man who doesn't fulfil me. I feel broken and damaged and I break and damage others.
I feel I was born wrong in some fundamental way. I don't know who I am, what I like, what I'm supposed to do. I feel absolutely lost. Every emotion is amplified and I am hyper-vigilant to threat.
I know life is a gift, but my mental health is so poor I can't fight. I am only 30 and feel cheated out of some greats years because of my mental and emotional problems.
Is there any light?