Why did they ask for my children’s names?

[Hopefullynottheorangecreme]

Just had an appointment over the phone as an assessment to a mental health service I’ve referred myself to.
We went over current life and childhood.
Spoke about suicidal feelings but with no intent but as a teenager there was an attempt and years of self harm. (All pre- children).
We spoke about the fact that I sometimes feel so overwhelmed I feel like I just don’t want to be here but that I would never do anything about it as I have children but I did admit to having set up life insurance and googling things such as
“How to commit suicide and make it look accidental”
And trying to figure out who would have my children if I wasn’t here.
I also said I didn’t know why I did that as I would never actually act upon those feelings.

I actually feel pretty good at the moment but I just need some help around how my mind works to help myself once and for all as I tend to go up and down and have some unavoidable triggers.

At the end of the call she asked my children’s names and ages which I gave but I’m feeling a bit worried as to why? Does she think I’m unstable and need to report it somewhere? Will my children be at risk now of being under some sort of social services list? Can I be deemed an unsuitable mum because I struggle with my mental health? I love my children more than life as I’m sure most mums do and I actually feel that parenting is the one area in my life that I do pretty well in but I’m worried now!

Please don't worry. I know that's easier said than done.
Anyone who knows you will see you are an amazing mum and that your children are loved and well cared for.
I honestly don't know why they took their names and ages, but really they should have explained to you why they wanted this information.
Would you feel able to call them back and explain your worries, just so they can reassure you and put your mind at risk?
Lots of parents are plagued with depression depression and mental health (myself included).
No-one will ever question your ability to parent.
They just want to make sure you are getting all the support you need to get through this.

It sounds like you are having a really difficult time. I hope that things improve for you and sounds like you are were able to be very honest on the phone call.
When I read your message I was wondering if she was asking because then she can remember your kid's names rather than needing to keep asking you in future conversations, because she is taking an interest in you and your family and because she cares.
I have had the same worries as you about my suitability as a parent due to my mental health, but nothing you have written above has made me question your ability as a parent, I was just struck by how self-aware you are and therefore how you are most probably doing an amazing job at being a mum while at the same time dealing with all the stuff that is whizzing round in your head. Give yourself a break. If you didn't care you wouldn't be questioning any of this stuff. Take care.

I think its most likely to be so they understand when you say in future conversations "and then i took milly to swimming and couldnt park" if milly were your 6 year old neice, the stress in that situation would be different than if milly were your 15year old daughter.
They wont be reffering you on if youre feeling ok at the moment and they wouldnt need your childrens ages to do that. Look after yourself and try not to over think x

Lilyannarose thank you. Definitely easier said than done but I will try not to worry.
I’m not too worried to be honest as I know I love them and take care of all of their needs very well. It really is the one area of my life I feel that I have purpose and do well with.
I don’t feel like calling them back is something I feel comfortable with. The lady I spoke with said she will call me back this week to let me know how they can help. (CBT or counselling I presume, I’ve been to the service before).
I hope so. I have a huge underlying feeling of worthlessness and being just a rubbish useless person.
I can’t help but let my mind run away with me thinking well that’s it isn’t it, I’m not even good enough to be a mum. That maybe struggling with my mental health inwardly will make people think I can’t be doing a good job but if they knew my children and spent a week with us they’d know very differently.
Yes I struggle with my mental health but it’s all in my own mind and I get on with things for them as best I can and it’s upset me to think that maybe through my trying to help myself has given the impression that perhaps I’m unstable for them or something?
Woollycardi thank you. It can be difficult. I feel very up and down at the moment. Pretty certain some of it is circumstantial but not sure whether I am the cause/reason which is some of what I want to explore with the mental health service.
I wish that was the case but I have had some work with this service before (again it was a self referral) and I could be wrong as it was a while back now that I had the initial assessment first time around but I don’t remember them asking me that time.
But then I suppose that time I probably wasn’t as honest about just how much I have struggled and am struggling with my mental health.
I worry that maybe the mention of a previous spice attempt (17 years ago in my early teens) and self harm which I don’t think we really spoke about before has made them need to keep a closer eye on me or something?
It almost makes me wish I didn’t try and get any help.
Thank you, that feels nice to hear. I could be wrong but I think I do a good job at being a mum. My children are kind hearted, understanding, respectful people who are growing into being independent responsible young men. My youngest has SEN but is doing so very well.
I sometimes wish I wasn’t so self aware as then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to feel so deeply but then I am grateful to be an emotionally in tune person as I know it will only help rather than hinder when it comes to working on myself.
Sorry to ramble!

Giraffeinabox thank you. I really hope that’s the case. I just can’t remember them asking last time around but it could be that I have forgotten as it was a while back.
She asked me what I’d do in an emergency and I assured her I am confident it would never get to that point but I have called the Samaritans before just for somebody to talk to and cry to at breaking point.
She said about calling 111 or even 999 but I know I will never need that.
I also said that I had received help for an alcohol dependency at age 13-14 but that I no longer drink like that since having my children but that I will have a beer with my tea 1-2 times per week as a treat but most weeks I don’t bother and she was asking me although it might be difficult how many times a week would I say that I drink alcohol?
It really isn’t difficult and I really do only have a beer with my meal as a treat and it’s only 1 but it was making me feel like I’m doing something wrong 😔
I’m probably just over thinking, I tend to do that allot. I just can’t help but worry.

You're not rambling, you make perfect sense. It is horrible and difficult to open up about all this stuff, but the thing to hold onto is that all this is in support of you, not as an interrogation into your suitability to be a parent. I absolutely went to that place too, felt utterly worthless and wished my kids had a better parent than me, still do from time to time, but I now recognise that this is all just part of the same rubbish going round in my head. It is lies. You are the greatest mum for your own kids, that is true of every single one of us. We all have an inherent worth and right to be here, no matter what we tell ourselves. There are no magic wands to make this painful stuff go away, the best we can do is take an honest look at what we are telling ourselves, and hope we have someone we can trust to share it with. Good luck.

Knowing who is living with you can help them understand your difficulties.

Well done on getting help- and giving them sensitive information about your present and past issues.

Thank you woollycardi, I tend to apologise for talking too much or going on, not really sure why, I suppose it’s a habit. One I’ve mostly broken now but it used to be so bad that there was someone who’d known me for a long time who used to laugh and say to me “hi, my names , sorry” 😂 (I can find the funny side now but I’ve always been an over apologiser).
I know (I think I know) it’s to help but I just felt/feel a bit worried that they needed that information. I know I’m probably not the best mum in the world, not sure who is, we all could improve in life at times but I know that I give them my time, my attention, my love, my understanding and patience and then all the cooking/clothes/days out/material stuff ect. My eldest is growing in independence and goes out with friends and behaves very responsibly and is always home on time and respectful ect (with the normal teenage mood swings 😬😂) and my house is somewhere that their friends come to hang out and play and have tea regularly and they come out with us on our days out sometimes. We have kids that meet us every morning and afternoon to walk to and from school so I know that this is my calling if that’s how to put it.
I feel that I was supposed to be a parent, to bring people into this world who will grow up to be well rounded adults.
I just panic that if I was to just talk about how I feel inside without people knowing my children and me as a family they would deem me unstable and that would be the worst thing I could ever imagine except god forbid anything happening to any of us leaving us without each other.
It’s just separating the fact that it’s lies from truth I’m having trouble with as I often just feel like such.... Nothing. Worthless. No-one.
I feel fine in my own company usually but i feel so unwanted and burdensome to others.
I isolate myself allot because of the way I feel but then I feel lonely and like no one knows me or wants to.
I think I have been this way to some degree forever but it’s definitely worse lately. This last year or so.
I just want to feel at peace with my own mind.
Cakeandchampagne thank you, that sounds like a reasonable reason to ask. In fact they all do. I think I was just worrying unnecessarily. (I hope!)
And thank you. She asked me how I felt talking about all that and all I felt was disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed.
I cried aswel.
I didn’t ever used to cry. I held it all in and had a huge wall around me keeping the world out and stopping myself show weakness but lately I just can’t seem to stop crying when I feel emotional.
Then I panic and think that it will just appear as attention seeking. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like it’s safe or ok to show emotion like that which I know is ridiculous as if my children want to cry they cry, they cuddle up with me and cry and we chat until they feel better and then we stay cuddled or play some games or have our favourite food ect and I make perfectly sure they know it’s ok to be sad/mad/worried anything else they want to express to me, it’s OK, so why can’t I allow myself the same grace?
Crikey sorry, I feel like I’m droning on and on, thank you if you’ve read all this without getting fed up/annoyed!

You are a loving mother to your children, and your heart is so big you welcome your children’s friends into your home and activities.
That says a lot about you.

Thank you, they’re very kind words. And thank you for taking the time to respond.
I’m so worried.
I feel like I might have BPD.
It’s been suggested in another thread without me even mentioning it and the more I read about it the more I feel like I fit the bill so to speak.
I don’t have the anger outwardly but then it sais anger can be directed inwardly which I do experience I suppose. I feel angry at myself all the time just for existing at times.
I feel angry at myself over every tiny mistake I’ve ever made and feel I deserve to be punished for anything less than being perfect for everyone around me.
I don’t know what to do about it though.
I don’t want to suggest this to the mental health service and then have them decide that’s it, I can’t be a good mum without even knowing my family.
I also am scared about it. What if I do have BPD? What next? Will I ever be able to have normal relationships? Will anyone ever want to stay in my life?
And if I don’t have this then why do I feel like I might? I’ve tried to understand myself for a long time now and I have questioned Aspergers, been diagnosed with GAD, wondered if I have bipolar, I just know I’m not “normal” and I don’t know how to face up to it and get myself the help I need without feeling even worse which terrifies me.

Yep. I hear you on all those fears. I am not a professional and as such don't know anything, but one thing I have discovered about myself is that as I have become a more emotional person since becoming a mum, the outflow of feeling and emotion has felt terrifying and has made me question my sanity on a daily basis. I have a theory that for those of us who for whatever reason haven't learnt to express or even feel our emotion in the way that you are intuitively allowing your children to feel and express, the journey to reconnect with that part of ourselves is terrifying, alien and can make us feel like we are losing our grip. Where as actually it is a return to self and perhaps the grip we had before was too strong and we are learning to let go. So what you are allowing in your children is opening up a need in yourself for the same love and compassion. Don't know if that makes any sense, but just go easy on yourself and hope you can find what you need to support you through this.

Please believe me when I tell you that you don't need to worry. I suffer with anxiety which has, at times, been on the severe end of the scale. A few years back I started having panic attacks and because of a painful condition I was suffering from at the time and anxiety I contemplated suicide. In a state after two nights of no sleep I called the mental health team and got into a massive state because I thought the fact id expressed suicidal thoughts meant my daughter was going to be taken off to me. The service was actually quite rubbish but quite by fluke I think, I got put through to a very senior member of the mental health team who calmly explained to me why this would not happen from simply expressing suicidal thoughts in the sense you have. I wish I could remember the precise words she used but I promise you it is going to be fine. I'm really sorry you're suffering like this and I wanted you to know you're not alone c

Woollycardi I love your view. I can see through your words that you’ve worked very hard around self understanding. My emotion has probably always been intense but not quite what it is lately. I do remember though when my children were born I would cry at just how much I loved them, I would cry at even the thought of anything bad happening to them and I panicked that “what if I loved them too much”?! And then I panicked while pregnant with my second “I love my first so much that how can I possibly have any love left? Or do I have to take away half of the love and then share it with my youngest”?! Luckily the second my second was born the same love was there all over again but I didn’t understand how that could happen before and id worry about it so much so I get what you’re saying with emotion around being a mum.
I settled into being a mum very quickly though and have always loved this part of my life but my triggers for my mental health getting worse seem to be being in a relationship.
I didn’t have a serious relationship until I was in my mid 20’s but it was very intense to start with and then was over in 18 months. I don’t think either of us were particularly intense with each other although I was very much in love but my emotion was very intense.
My partner was very controlling and would say mean things regularly and pass them off as jokes. Took control of my finances and used me for personal gain. These things I don’t doubt but what I do doubt is how much of a part I played.
I was always so fearful of my partner not loving me or wanting to be with me but then maybe I had reasons to feel that way?
And now I’m in a relationship I’ve been in for 3 1/2 years (we don’t live together) but it’s been very up and down and I think there is blame for that on both sides.
My part in it is that I have at times been guarded and pushed my partner away but then the reasons are very real in my mind, that’s the problem though. Is it just in my mind?
I just know that being in a relationship is a huge trigger for me and I don’t want it to be that way.
I’ve even questioned if maybe I’m a narcissist but for all my flaws I truly don’t believe I am. I think I just struggle with trust and motives of people.
I love what you say about learning to loosen the grip. I feel so cross with myself that it comes so naturally to nurture my children but impossible to nurture myself. Of course I’m not angry that I can love and nurture them, I am very grateful I just mean why can’t I do that for myself
How can I have all this inside me but get things right for other people whilst getting nothing right for myself?
I don’t want to stop getting things right for others, I just want to feel ok too.
Thank you woollyycardi.
Unusualusername thank you for the reassurance, it’s just an overthink and an over panic I think.
I’m sorry to hear that you went through that tough time. Anxiety is rubbish on its own I can’t imagine having a painful condition on top of it.
Thank you for that reassurance also. Sometimes when things are tough in your head you can feel so very alone with it. I tend to feel embarrassed aswell for just how much I struggle in my head.

Sorry if this is a bit unnecessary to share on here but I don’t know who else to share with.... i’m not sure it’s something people would celebrate but I’ve just had a call back and they’ve offered me some counselling sessions!
I didn’t ask about why they asked for my children’s names as I feel ok about it now I’ve had some time but I just feel so very overjoyed that I’m going to get some help.
I’m now fighting feelings of being selfish and greedy having this offered after already lengthily CBT from the same service and panicking that there are other people who would be more deserving but I know I need it and I know it will help me so I’m trying to keep it as just positive excitement 😊

OP I just had my assessment too and a very similar story (I am surprised how similar!!)
I also gave my son's age and name but nothing to worry about, they need to know these things I guess and they always, always put a mum that takes the action to ask for help as someone that is and wants to be a good mum.
Nothing will be done about your kids OP. They need to know as they are minors.
Hugs and more hugs

Congrats on the sessions. I missed my call today because I was having a really bad day and was in no position to answer 😔

You are not “selfish” or “greedy”. Nobody is “more deserving”.
You took action to get help, and you had the necessary difficult conversations so they could arrange some sessions. Congratulations!

cloudyinjune, thank you for your reply and I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day and missed your call. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now and I hope you try again to arrange a call.
Hugs gratefully accepted and given back.
I’m confident in myself that being a mum is the area of my life I am pretty good at. In fact my eldest son goes away on a trip abroad tomorrow with school and we have his friend over for the evening and have just had a lovely evening with my children and my sons friend, lovely meal and lengthily game of monopoly!
Being a mum gives me energy and positivity. Of course we all have days where things seem harder and our children also have tough times but I wouldn’t trade a single second of it.
Cakeandchampagne thank you! 😊
I am trying not to let that negativity ruin something I’m very happy about. I suppose It just boils down to feeling so burdensome to the world around me and that maybe I’m just this annoyance that has now contacted them for self referrals more than once and it of duty they just have to help.
I feel so angry that my mind goes there, I don’t fully understand why it does although I do in parts.
I suppose it’s one of the many things to cover in the sessions.
Sounds very odd but I really am very much looking forward to it. I was so reserved last time around and told myself (and my therapist) I would never cry in front of her. Probably held allot in and didn’t deal with half of what I should have but this time I will pour all I can in to try and heal.
After my children it’s the most important thing I’ll be focusing on.
I feel guilty for thinking so selfishly but it has to be. I need to heal myself, I need to understand myself and work on ways to improve my mental health.

Please try not to worry about the assessment questions; they will be standard questions asked of everyone accessing their services. Checking out your mental health history is usual too with these things (I do them as part of my job).

Thanks OP
I think today will be better and I will ting them on Monday, tricky to schedule the sessions with having my toddler all the time though
It sounds like you are doing a lot of the work already. It is so hard.
I guess this is a life long thing for us, but we have done a lot of the work already.

I hope you have a lovely weekend

I think that it is the standard procedure to take down names and dates of birth of children. They will have created an electronic record of you and they will include your children on this, they would have needed their dates of birth to complete the record.

Children are a protective factor against suicidal ideation. They're probably asking so they can talk about the children if they need to.

Craftycorvid thankyou.
I have a history (in my early teens) of alcoholism and received intervention with a service for this and substance abuse (again very much pre-children).
I just panic that this will affect how they view me now as a parent without actually knowing me.
I also panic that years of self harm and a suicide attempt (again pre children) will make them deem me unstable but in actual fact there is no chance I would leave my children without me.
At very low points I think I’ve slightly considered how I could do it so that it appears accidental and my children would be financially secure re original post but I’ve definitely realised I could never do that to them.
It’s strange to say and read back as anyone who knows me I don’t think would ever think I’ve ever been to this dark place and I do my best to hide it and be “happy and ok and strong” but I’m just sick of the facade.
I’m sick of always trying to make everyone else happy and feeling responsible for the way that everyone other than myself feels.
Im sick of caring about everyone else more than I care about myself and getting nothing back from anyone else.
I’m sick of always letting people feel comfortable with how they’d like things while I sink deeper into a dark hole.
Obviously my children aren’t included there but I feel like this is the case for pretty much all other relationships I have/have had.
It’s obviously me that is the common denominator but if I can just heal from the past, learn to set real boundaries and develop enough self esteem and self respect then maybe I can get past this.
I can’t wait to get started again!
CloudyinJune I hope today is going well 😊 I understand the struggles around childcare. I feel fortunate that I am able to dedicate myself during school hours currently and I hope that you find some way around being able to attend sessions.
Perhaps you could look into the possibility of a paid childminder once a week if your little one isn’t yet in nursery?
I know it’s not ideal but they should be able to give you a set time and day every week that remains consistently the same if you explain your situation so it should be fairly simple to arrange if it’s something you would feel comfortable with.
We are working and will continue to work on it, I think I’ve accepted I’m probably always going to struggle a bit. In fact I said to my last therapist that she’s made me realise that I’d rather spend the next 50 years struggling but being real rather than living a facade to keep other people happy but dying inside.
Thank you 😊 It’s been lovely so far.
Cinema and lunch with my youngest and his school friend. Home now so taking 10 for a cup of tea while they play.
I hope you have a lovely weekend too 😊
Fivecupsoftea that makes sense, thank you. I suppose the world is so technological now and things always need to be kept on record.
Rumplesmoothskin thank you. That would also make sense. I almost wish I hadn’t mentioned the suicidal thoughts but I don’t want to not give it everything I have. I don’t want to hold things back anymore.
I just get so scared that they will report things like that and my children will be at risk.

I work in mental health. In the situation you describe you would not be automatically referred to social services, in any case it would be usual practice to tell someone if this was the case. It is quite normal in an thorough assessment to take names and ages of children.

Howtotrainyourhamster thank you. To be honest even if a referal were to be done they would soon realise they’re not needed so I’m not worried anymore.
I suppose my panic with social services hugely comes from the fact that they hugely let down my younger brother and me as kids.
We should have been helped so much more than we were but they just didn’t seem to care and fell for the lies they were told.
I say this but then when I just turned 18 I had my first son and had changed my entire life in preparation and went to social services for help.
I cut myself away from my entire social circle as they were not the sort of people I wanted in my life as a parent.
I stopped drinking, smoking, all the rubbish stuff i was doing to try and numb my situation at the time because I had a focus, a purpose.
I begged the council to help me away from my dads house but they wouldn’t help. I went to social services to ask them to help me and they got me rehoused immediately (next working day) and then left me be.
I was very grateful for that.
It also meant that I could take my younger brother away from there and look after him for the next 6 years too.
Probably going far too much into detail here and sorry if it’s bothering anyone.
It just feels very therapeutic to talk and to people who don’t know me so I can just say it all.
Sorry if that’s a bit selfish of me, maybe it is I’m not sure.
If anyone is offended please do say and I will stick to logistics of my original question if anyone is to reply.