17 year old with debilitating social anxiety

[LimitIsUp]

How can I help dd who has debilitating social anxiety. She is coming to the end Y12 at a large 6th form college (around 1500- 2000 students per year) but has not managed to make a single friend. A friend from her previous school attends the same college and dd clings to her like a life raft. Problematic when that other girl isn't at college for a day (dd has then begged not to attend)

Dd erects a self defence mechanism whereby she keeps herself to herself, keeps her eyes downcast, has defensive body language. It would take a brave teenager to approach her as she projects stay away vibes

Yet she would like more friends - she just has all the classic attributes of social anxiety holding her back. She has a few friends from her previous school (very small independent) and sees them every couple of weeks but underneath that crippling self doubt and self consciousness is a wannabe sociable person wanting to get out. Her lack of friends and thus 'boring life' so upset her

She has never experienced social trauma or bullying so there was no trigger for these behaviours.

She does have GAD but manages it fairly well and she has seen a psychologist in the past for GAD

How can she overcome this - it's severely holding her back and hurting her

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Anyone?

Your poor dd- it’s understandable that you’re worried about her.

My first thought would be could she switch to a smaller college/ sixth form at another location?

Has she accessed the college student services/ councillor for support when at college?

Would a small club based activity help her build relationships and thus confidence eg book club, something without too much pressure but some interaction?

What about a gym? Sometimes I feel better if I’ve got up and done something. It’s hard getting there but at least she’s get rid of adrenaline another way.

Has she accessed CAMHS?

It must be a stressful time for all the family 💐

Thank you Orchidflower1 both for your empathy and for persevering with my overly long opening post

I get what you mean about switching college but it would be too disruptive half way through A levels, plus she could switch to a much smaller college with fewer in her year but would still have the same difficulties . To set it in context, her social anxiety is such that at the age of 17 I have to order her food in a restaurant on her behalf as she won't speak to the waitress, and if she goes to see the GP she insists on taking me in to see the doctor and I have to speak to the doctor for her. She doesn't mind college per se - enjoys her subjects, but hates it when she has long free periods and nobody to hang out with (particularly when everyone else seem to be in big groups). The only days when she has this scenario are Wednesdays and Fridays thankfully

She is seen by student support on a regular basis but I don't think they can do much to fix this - it has to come from within dd?

She does play football and trains twice weekly so she has a sporting outlet for her adrenaline (she has been in the same club since age 10 and still barely speaks to her teammates - they are kind to her though)

We did see the GP for referral to CAMHS a couple of years back for her generalised anxiety but it was taking forever and a day so accessed private psychology support.

I am thinking - self help books / short residential courses / possibly further more specific talking therapy support and possible even (bit off the wall) hypnotherapy?

You are very welcome. My wider family have a history of anxiety so I’m a firm believer in genetics as well as social causes.

Has she tried self referring to MIND. I found them fabulous but not for everyone. There is also a charity called young minds. I don’t have any personal experience but my dc has a non uniform day recently and profits went to them.

It’s great to hear you dd has got an outlet for her exercise etc.

Also did you see the bbc documentary with the cook Nadia ( from bake off) she did an interesting piece on her anxiety which is worth a watch. I’ll see if I can find a link.

Finally ( sorry for epic reply!) do take care of yourself. When I’ve been ill and my dn has it’s hard for the care givers to take time for themselves but your dd needs you to advocate for her but you need to be physically and emotional well yourself so do do things for you too.

Thank you for your reply Orchidflower. I will look at self referral to Mind. I have that documentary re Nadia saved on my planner - must watch it!

Yes re the genetics - there is depression and anxiety on my husbands side of the family.

Thanks for your kindness, I will make sure I look after myself

You are welcome OP💐

Dd erects a self defence mechanism whereby she keeps herself to herself, keeps her eyes downcast, has defensive body language
This is a typical response to bullying - be as invisible as possible, don’t interact, don’t make eye contact in case someone says “what do you think you’re looking at?” and attacks you verbally or physically. Are you sure she hasn’t been bullied? Remember nasty comments and social exclusion are also types of bullying. You said she hasn’t made any friends - perhaps she’s being bullied by being excluded? That would certainly trigger social anxiety because if people ridicule and reject you when you speak to them, you stop speaking and become afraid to speak because you anticipate rejection.

My first suggestion is a sociable club based activity. Maybe something like a youth theatre group would be excellent for building confidence. They tend to be very accepting and inclusive.

Secondly, have you considered a deeper cause such as autism? Females with autism present differently to males, mainly with social difficulties. Have a look online for female autism symptoms and perhaps ask your GP.

AriadneesWeb - thank you but she definitely hasn't or isn't being bullied. She is extremely self consciously shy, but is surprisingly assertive if someone tries to treat her badly. She also tells me everything (not being naive here - I couldn't say that about her brother, he isn't a full disclosure type of person). The social anxiety has been a feature for a long time (predating this Sixth form college), its just that she could get by at her tiny, tiny old school where they were only 25-30 students in her year group and so her peers became very familiar without any effort or input needed

The autism one is interesting - I will certainly research this online and see if it might fit

Is she getting support from the special needs department? Dd found having a bolt hole (complete with kettle) invaluable and the two ladies who ran it were amazing, always smiling and able to chat

Social anxiety and obsessing over certain friends are key traits of women with autism.

More at taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

you could approach the college and ask about an 'early help plan'. you could Google your local authority and read up on how this is handled locally. generally ah early help plan would help to identify the sources of support in school and elsewhere (e.g. family support worker, therapist, youth worker etc) and have a coordinated plan to help aspects of your daughter's wellbeing and development.

Wondering if she would join a small niche interest group like D&D or board games. Drama groups or church youth groups or scouting organisations can be very welcoming too if she's interested in any of those areas.