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DD's suicidal friend :(

19 replies

jillowarriorqueen · 08/07/2019 01:38

Really torn up about this. My DD is almost 15 and has a lot of friends with MH issues. She's a mothering and compassionate sort and is stable herself, but has a number of friends who self harm and have depression. My girl wants to be there for them all and to love them into wellness, bless her.

Lately, one of these friends has expressed suicidal ideation. She has been telling DD matter of factly that she intends to kill herself one day and that there is nothing my girl - or anyone else - can do to stop her. She has told her that she has already attempted suicide but was talked down at the last minute by one friend or other. She says she ruins everyone's lives, is worthless and that everyone would be better off is she was dead. She is considering an overdose.

We don't know what to do. My girl is in bits about this. She can't cope with such pressure herself.I know this friend personally, but she is cross questioning my DD about how much I know, telling her that she cannot tell me anything. I am friends with her mother too. My instinct screams at me to tell her mum, but my DD says that if she is found out to have betrayed the girls' trust by telling me, then she fears this will send her friend over the top and feeling she can trust no one.

I don't know what to do. The mother knows she is in a bad way already and that she has been self harming. I feel torn between telling my friend about her daughter's recent alarming behaviour and keeping it quiet for now so as the girl feels she still has the confidence and trust of her best friend. She massively distrusts adults as it is.

On top of this, my girl has her exams looming in the next 11 months and she is breaking under this pressure. Not just from this friend, but from the pain of others.

Asking not for judgement, but clarity.

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Jencottage · 08/07/2019 01:43

If she were to follow through with what she states are her intentions and you did NOT say anything, that burden would be huge for your daughter. I would say tell the other mum !

jillowarriorqueen · 08/07/2019 01:48

My thoughts and fears exactly...

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CharminglyGawky · 08/07/2019 01:50

If she were my daughter I'd want to know.

1300cakes · 08/07/2019 01:51

You have to tell the other mum. Your DD is probably saying you to stay out of it, but deep down she wants you to come in and take control of this situation. Why else would she have told you?

If this girl is truly suicidal she needs help ASAP that your DD can't give. If she isn't really there but is playing around with it for the drama, it also has to stop - it isn't a game. Either way, you can't just play along.

1300cakes · 08/07/2019 01:54

This girl may even hope (consciously or subconsciously) that this will get back to a parent or teacher who will do something.

PersonaNonGarter · 08/07/2019 01:54

I can’t believe you have to ask.

Tell the school. Tell the mother. Tell anyone.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 08/07/2019 01:56

If it was my daughter talking like that I'd want to know.
Your dd is way too young to deal with this you have to take it away from her and hand it over to the other girls parents.

Jencottage · 08/07/2019 01:56

You've written yourself "My girl is in bits about this. She can't cope with such pressure herself.". Your DD is too young for this type of pressure and it also sounds like the other girl is trying to control your DD somewhat with cross questions and telling her that she isn't allowed to talk to you. This maybe due to the current state of her MH but I do think you need to step in by informing her parents. Good luck Thanks

Onesailwait · 08/07/2019 02:04

If you dont feel comfortable talking to the mum could you go via the school?. At 15 I really feel for your daughter she is carrying the worrie of what her friend is telling her and doesn't have the tools to help. Also by going through the school it will take away the factor that it was your daughter who brought this to an adults attentioin chances are if she has told your daughter she has told other friends. Well done to you for creating an environment where your daughter felt like she could confide in you.

jillowarriorqueen · 08/07/2019 02:08

Thank you. I have messaged the mum that we need to talk. I wanted to do that all along, but was concerned it might have a detrimental outcome re breaking trust etc.

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jillowarriorqueen · 08/07/2019 02:09

I am close to this other child and I need to own it myself, even if she thinks I took my DD's phone and looked at her messages. Which I reserve the right to do as I pay the darn bill.

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jillowarriorqueen · 08/07/2019 02:13

My main concern is that her mum is aware of her DD's MH issues and cries about them. The daughter hates causing her mum pain, so avoids sharing with her.

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Onesailwait · 08/07/2019 02:13

Good move op, I'm sure it will be a difficult conversation but if i was your friend I would be very grateful you told me.

PersonaNonGarter · 08/07/2019 02:16

Well, having that conversation with the mum is going to be hard but it is a lot better than some of the other scenarios that could play out if you didn’t.

Be really blunt with your DD about how incredibly serious this was and how proud you are that she told you and included you and that it is better the patents know.

Onesailwait · 08/07/2019 02:16

Oh posted before I saw your update, I have no doubt it is heartbreaking for the mum, but it is our job as parents to get our children the help and support they need even when it tears us apart.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2019 02:23

You need to have a deep conversation with your daughter that there are simply some "secrets" you just can't keep. As a mother and an adult, it is your duty to inform this friend's parents about her very serious threats of suicide and self-harm. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would want a concerned parent to inform you that your child is in danger.

Onesailwait · 08/07/2019 02:41

Just reading that back about the mum, maybe she also doesn't have the tools to deal with this either. Maybe daughter talks to mum, mum cries( because its a huge thing ti hear you kid wants to harm themsel) so she doesn't go to mum anymore for fear of upsetting her so she tells her friends in the hope they will spill the beans. Maybe suggest to the mum she talks with the school and they can support her to get help and some guidance

CharminglyGawky · 08/07/2019 09:19

Well done, this must be incredibly difficult. I think you and your daughter re being good friends.

jillowarriorqueen · 08/07/2019 11:28

Going to see mum now. Thanks for your kind encouragement ladies. Wish me luck!

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