I fucked up... Again

[Jekyllandhydesmother]

Don't want to drip feed so its a long one. Sorry.
So I suffer with anxiety and have done for years (I take setraline). I also have a physical disability which means I'm in pain and exhausted 24/7.
Im a wife, a mum to a 3 year old and a student.
We have very little money and rely on credit cards, and will do until I qualify (relevant to the post)
I constantly feel like a failure and a burden. I often think I'd be better alone so that I don't let anyone down.
At the weekend I had a discussion with my DH which turned into an argument.
During this I said "sometimes I wish I was alone".
My DH got extremely angry at this and took it to mean I wish I'd never got married and that I'd never had my son. This is not true in the slightest. I love them both. I just feel like they deserve better than me (I snap when I really hurt, I rely on my DH a lot and I can't play with my son how I want to because it hurts and I'm too tired).
So we kind of sorted it out and I thought I'd managed to explain that to him.
Today I found out he'd been smoking again the past week. It's a major thing as he quit when my son was maybe a year old. Earlier this year I found out he'd been smoking again and lying about it and spent stupid amounts of money on it. Anyway he said he quit again, an I maybe think he did but then today I found fag Ash in the garden when tidying and a lighter hidden where he used to hide fags. I text him and he said we'd talk later.
We just talked. He admitted to buying 2 packs this week and said it was after what I said because he can't stop thinking about it and it makes him upset and angry. I tried again to explain what I meant but it's like he can't believe me.
Now I feel even more like a dickhead and that I can't get things right.
I just wish I'd kept my stupid mouth shut.
I've been feeling quite low again for a few weeks and I'm considering seeing if my Dr will up my setraline.
But actually I don't know if that will help because actually maybe the issue is my situation, not my brain?

No one should blame you for their choices, OP. Your partner made a choice to smoke, you didn’t make it for him. I’m sorry things are tough right now.

If you would like to separate what is ‘medical’ from ‘situation’ iyswim maybe talking therapy could help? Chat to your GP and if you are a student, could you get counselling through student services?

I agree with craftycorvid you are not responsible for other people’s behaviour.

I have anxiety and depression too, it’s really hard, be kind to yourself xx

I think what you said was easily misconstrued and hurtful BUT you’ve explained and apologized. There’s nothing else you can do and you shouldn’t worry about it now.

Please don’t take this as any sort of criticism because it’s not but...

His life sounds really hard. Stressful. It’s not easy living with someone with MH issues. And you are physically unable to do a lot. You’re tired etc. He is 100% responsible for finances...

It’s just a LOT.

And it’s not your fault not at all, but he wouldn’t be the first smoker that’s induced back to it by stress.

I’m just saying maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world?

Thanks guys.
I think the problem for me is the lying. I've told him that so many times.
We literally had a conversation about honesty at lunch cause we were watching last nights live island (a reason to love him right there right? 😂) and we both agreed how amazing Curtis was for being so honest.

I know his life is hard, it's which I try and do everything I can. Tbf I cook most nights and actually when I think about it, I do do a lot around the house, but when we're both here he does the majority of the physical childcare stuff.

I do part time work as well. So I am bringing some money in (working for the uni on a research project so I work at home).

I will enquire about counselling through student services but I don't think they run over the summer so make not be available till September.

I'm a bit calmer now. They're both home and DH is doing bedtime. I love listening to them and watching them play. I often feel like an observer.

I don't know whether to bring it up or not when he comes back down. He says it's his issue and he just needs to get over it but he keeps thinking about me leaving him.

I wish I hadn't said it, or at least in the way I did because I can 100% see how it could be misunderstood. I was just trying to be honest, like I want from him, but it backfired.

and we both agreed how amazing Curtis was for being so honest.

For this alone YABU! Curtis tried to dump Amy for a girl who was so obviously NOT INTO HIM.