Just feel indifferent

[sadtiredmomma]

I’ve been on anti-depressants now for years. Have tried different ones as they seem to help for a while and then stop. I’ve been on Fluoxetine, Sertraline and now Vensir. I’ve been on it for about 18 months now and I’m finding that I’m struggling again. Some days I’m so irritable, and quick to fly off the handle, other days I just feel so low I go back to bed after the school runs and set my alarm and get up to do the afternoon run again. I just feel totally indifferent if that makes sense, nothing gives me joy any more. I’m not suicidal, as I would never ever do that to my kids, but at the same time I feel like just what’s the point in anything. I just feel totally indifferent to life, and just don’t know what to do.

Maybe I another change of medication, I just don’t know. Sometimes I feel like this is just how my life is. I just don’t know.

Do you exercise at all?

What do you do that is just for you?

We have a dog so I take him for walks. That was the reason we got him, as I knew I would have to walk him and I do.

I taught myself to do a craft so I do it too in the evenings and when I can.

Thank you for the replies.

What's the point in anything? I suppose anything I say will sound silly, but I look at the blue sky, the cotton wool clouds, the flowers in my garden, the blackbirds pulling worms up to feed their babies, hedgehogs trundling round my garden at night. My daft dog jumping up for a cuddle, my gorgeous grandson leaping into my arms... So much joy! Maybe you have to look for the joys in life? You won't find any lying in your bed all day, and I don't mean that at all unsympathetically. Have you tried counselling? It sounds a hard way to live

How do you feel when you do your craft - does it give you joy or are you using it to fill the time?

I just sort of do it to distract myself, I do enjoy it though. Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate them all.

It is good that you have something you enjoy doing - even if it starts as a distraction. It means that there is always the chance of a little light in your struggles against depression.

I take it the kids are a young school age? It can be hard when they are at school in the day - every day becomes a bit "groundhog day" unless you have something to occupy your time, or somewhere you have to be at a set time. I found that stage of life to be very challenging - I felt despairingly low more often than I felt good for a long time.

After speaking to a counsellor about it, I went and volunteered to hear reading at my child's school one afternoon a week. I had to commit to a 6 week period - gave me a purpose - a reason to not go back to bed.

I did not do crafts, but I "pootled about" in the garden (garden is pushing it a bit - backyard with 4 or 5 pots), and gradually, as I became me, not just X+Y's mummy, things have improved. My kids are at the end of schooling now - it has taken a while.

Take care.

I can relate to what you say. it is so hard. Also, I felt quite sad to hear you distract yourself by doing craft, as I guess we all know we should be doing something but depression kind of makes everything feel a bit flat. Or that is my experience anyway. I also would recommend therapy, because the post above about finding joy is beautiful and I wholeheartedly agree. We all deserve to live like that and some of us need help in reconnecting with that joy. Or realising it has been here all along.

When you have depression and a fairly routine (feels like drudgery) life, then indifference is inevitable. If you can, try to think of something that you can do which will "mix things up" a bit, can you and kids go to a forest Park and camp for a night and get away from technology and tell stories and read and snuggle together in a tent, dog would love it too. It's important to do these type of things (literally anything out of the routine of every day life) every 3-4 months, doesn't have to be anything major as I'm sure 1 nights camping would be very cheap.

I hear you, OP. It's exhausting.