Codependent/can't do it alone

[AuntGinny]

I seem to be incapable of living my life without lots of support from a family member (basically her doing it for me). This is making me feel invisible, resentful, depressed. She's helping because I'm depressed then the helping makes me feel worse so I get more depressed. I need to be able to do things myself and set boundaries. But I have nobody else to help me and am very overwhelmed. Any advice greatly received.

Bump

What are you receiving support with?
Maybe start by attempting the smaller and easier things without the help and build up to the bigger ones.
We all need help from time to time but also need to be independent.
It sounds like you are being more dependant than co-dependant if I’m being honest. No judgement whatsoever I’ve just been reading allot into it lately myself.

I don't feel like I have any independence at all. But when I don't have her helping me I just don't manage to do the things I need to do. When she's around she just basically does them for me. So I'm invisible and she's just replacing me. If she doesn't come to appointments with me they don't listen to me or bully me, if she does come they ignore me completely and just ask her what she thinks. If she drives me somewhere it feels like I haven't really got there or achieved anything it's all just pretend. Like I'm just pretending to live my life because if she wasn't driving me around I wouldn't get there at all. Now I just don't want to go anywhere or do anything, because without her help I mess up, am late or miss things or arrive in a hot mess (and floods of tears most times) and otherwise it's just because she's made me get ready and go to the thing, by talking me into it, or driving me or whatever. I feel like I'm failing all the time and I'm not even justifying things to myself now, I don't get time to do that because she'll have rung to check I got there. Then I feel like I'm being horrible if I say no to her helping me because otherwise I'm letting my kids down because I'm not reliable otherwise. Sometimes I think it would just be better if I let her live my life for me completely. Let her take over parenting my kids completely and did everyone a favour and killed myself. Honestly feels like I wouldn't be missed as I'm completely replaceable anyway, and they prefer my replacement to me anyway.

I’m so sorry you feel this way.
It definitely sounds like your family member is the co-dependant and you are the dependant.
People who care for others tend not to realise the negative impact it can have on the people they think they are helping and actually it can just make things harder instead of helping allot of the time.
It’s brilliant that you’ve realised that this is something that’s making you unhappy but now it’s so important that you take steps toward becoming independent again.
You can do it!
Guilt is a huge feeling and a very uncomfortable one to sit with but you should not have to ever feel guilty for saying no, what is it you feel guilty for? Taking away something she wants to do? I’m sure she has good intentions but it isn’t your job to give her a purpose or to make her happy. Yes be respectful of others feelings but you have to live for you and your children.
It also sounds like maybe you are suffering with a bit of depression and possibly anxiety which could be holding your confidence and self belief back? Have you thought about making a GP appointment?
When we feel worthless and down in ourselves it’s easy to let things fall behind and make it very easy to allow too much help if it’s there on offer.
Maybe you could sit and have a chat with your family member about the realisations you have come to and how it’s making you feel and ask if maybe physical support could be eased off slowly and maybe encouragement to help get you feeling more independent increased?
I think it would be great to cancel her help say twice a week to start with for things she would otherwise help with to see how you feel trying to build up the confidence and independence and then in time you would only need the support when it really is necessary?
I hope this all helps but just so you know you are not invisible, a mess up or replaceable.
We are all equals in this world and the fact that this even upsets you goes to show you have it in you to make the changes you want 😊

Yes I have depression and anxiety. Already diagnosed and medicated.

I think what's so hard is that I have realised this before and dealt with it badly. Ended up not speaking for a while, then somehow ended up back in this same place again? It's almost like when I start talking to her again I become incapable of doing things for myself. I keep trying to claw things back or claim them as mine, but then when it comes to it I either end up asking for help because it's gone wrong or just not doing the thing at all. My life is pretty impossible at the moment, and whenever I ask for help with anything from services of any kind, they end up asking if she can help me instead. So if I say I'm struggling with x problem with DC2 or whatever I'm told to find somebody else to help because services can't help.

It's always "can't your relative look after your children/pick up the forms/ lend you money/ guarantor you/ come to the appointment with you." I don't think my relative is happy with this. I think it's making her stressed, anxious etc. But she wants me not to screw my life up again (like I did without her help, basically) and so just constantly volunteers to do everything. So she asks how I am and I end up telling her my worries or whatever and then she tries to fix everything. Except she's not really fixing it she's just masking the problem and I'm still not getting the support I actually need. Plus I'm feeling like a failure and that even when I do "achieve" something really it's her achievement not mine.

I feel like I should be grateful and uncritical because basically without her support I would probably have had my kids taken into care because of my depression, but instead I just feel angry. Angry that I'm struggling in the first place, with myself that I can't do better, and frustrated when she does things which would be so hard for me. I feel like a horrible spoilt cow. I do know that she's trying to help but it just feels as though she's eroding any independence or resilience I had left.

I think I desperately need to go back to counselling, but she's the only person I have to watch the kids so even that just makes me more dependent. It's a vicious circle.