So I finally admit to myself after years that I can't manage alone any more. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to say the words out loud to my GP, so I've written it down. I'm so terrified they are going to laugh or dismiss me or tell me they won't accept a letter and that I need to say it out loud and I'll just close up and end up abandoning the idea.
It's incredibly long so I don't expect anyone to read it all. I just wanted to put it somewhere I can find it rather than a file on the family PC.
For years I have suffered with everything below and I am desperately in need of help because I can no longer tolerate living like this. I have been managing it alone and just putting up with it for ages because I don't want to be laughed at or ridiculed by the Dr, but in the last year it has become completely unbearable.
• Feelings of panic where I feel fear in my stomach and nausea. Sweaty hands, racing heart, headaches, constant tiredness, constant negative or pessimistic thoughts.
• Panic attacks where I struggle to breathe, or that someone is standing on my neck and I feel like I'm dying. When this happens it always followed by headaches in my neck and pins and needles in my hands and feet.
• Losing interest in things that I enjoyed doing. I have been withdrawing myself from attending family events or seeing my family and I avoid seeing my friends or going out alone. When I am invited to something I agree to go and then I will rethink the event over and over and worry about driving, finding a space, whether I will fit in the chairs, whether people will look at me and laugh which they likely will. I either make an excuse on the day and I cancel, or I simply fail to show up. Because of this I've lost most of my friends.
• Feeling panic and like I am losing control in my relationship where I constantly worry that my partner will abandon me or find someone else. I avoid events or activities where there might be alot of women and feel that I need to keep him away from them. On very bad days which are becoming more frequent this is a major issue and it prevents me from doing things that we both enjoy because of the fear that there is some sort of secret interaction that I can't see or hear from them telling him to abandon me and hang out with them instead. Forcing myself to attend one of these places makes me feel nauseous and anxious in the days leading up to it and I will try to find reasons and excuses not to have to go so I can keep him safe.
• I am finding myself existing less and less. I take my son to school in the morning which I hate because I feel like the people are looking at me and judging me and I panic that someone might talk to me and I don't want to talk to anybody. Once I have done this, I often go home and retreat into my bed for the rest of the day until I have to collect him which is the same issue because I find keeping an interaction going utterly exhausting. Sometimes I struggle to get out of the car because the thought of being in the playground with people that might be looking at me and laughing or talking about me triggers panic attacks too.
• I sleep alot. Hours during the day. When I'm asleep I don't feel anxious or get any intruding thoughts and that's why I like doing it, but the moment I wake up it floods back and I spend the day feeling greatly on edge and like something is going to go wrong but I don't know what. I sleep for at least 2 hours every afternoon, and some days I will go to bed from 9 until 3 and then straight back in at 3:30 as soon as I have given my son his afternoon snack and drink. I'll stay there until 5:30 and then make dinner for us and the animals.
• People keep telling me that they can't hear or smell things when I ask if they can and this is worrying me. Sometimes I can smell hot bread or rubber or hear high pitched sounds coming from outside, but my partner insists he can't smell or hear anything.
• Having too many objects out of place in a room makes me feel upset, as do too many noises happening at once or the sound of people eating. I get irritated very quickly by people usually in shops, when I have to talk to them because I automatically think they don't like me or are secretly laughing at me or will talk and laugh about me as soon as I leave.
• I get thoughts in my head that intrude upon my daily thinking and they keep telling me that I am not good enough for my partner and that he will leave soon. Something better than me has or is coming along and he will abandon me because I am ugly and look old and am fat and he finds me boring because I don't want to do anything. They say I look stupid in my clothes, or I smell or that people will laugh at me because my outfit is ridiculous or that my friends don't really like me and talk about me when I'm not there.
• I think back on conversations I have had and overthink them and wonder if I have said something wrong or awkward and then feel stupid and don't want to see that person any more.
• I can't do simple activities alone such as walking my dog, because I feel like people are laughing at me
• I judge things and people negatively before I experience them. I have a pessimistic outlook on everything and this is probably another way of convincing myself to stay home.
• When I'm feeling very stressed I put objects in places where they don't go and don't recall doing so until they are found, for instance I picked up my husbands glasses and put them in the box for the dog accessories. They weren't found for a week and I was adamant I hadn't moved them and that he had lost them. But I am the only person that uses that box and was the only person in the house when they went missing.
• I use food to numb feelings and overeat massively. I am incredibly overweight and despite trying and trying for years and years I struggle to lose any weight or stick to any plans or exercises. I also fear that if I lose weight I will be left with loose skin and breasts that sag even more than they do now which is quite alot, and this too will make my partner look elsewhere.
• If I am forced to go somewhere alone or interact with someone, I am constantly thinking of ways I can leave. For instance if I have to ask an assistant to reach something and my husband isn't there to ask for me, I will often just leave. If I do speak to an assistant and they don't hear or understand me the first time, rather than repeat myself I will get flustered and leave.
• Some days I don't even feel worthy of being alive because there isn't a point to my existence. I don't bring anything constructive to anybody's life and my feelings of anxiety and avoidance is a burden to my family and my friends. I feel like everybody will give up on me and just move on from me so that they can enjoy themselves without me.
I do have days where I feel not great but okay, and these are usually weekends when my husband is with me to support me, and I sometimes feel able to go to the supermarket and take the dogs out but I am constantly still feeling "on alert" and receiving the intrusive thoughts. At this point I am desperate to consider any help or advice you might be able to offer me to help me get better as this is affecting my relationships, my home life, my social life, and also my son's social life as I badly struggle to interact with any of his friends parents which means he is missing out as well.