Would you go back to this therapist?

[Orangecake123]

Would you go back to your therapist if they snapped at you?

This is the bit before: I was saying that I didn't want to come in twice a week (I pay privately), and wanted more flexibility so would ideally like to not to have a fixed time and day.

Then I said " okay but I want tuesdays and thursdays. I don't like thursdays and fridays. (These are the days I normally have my sessions).

"I don't like your attitude.What makes you think you can demand things?"

I began to cry and walked out of the session.

For background: I have been seeing this therapist for the past 2.6 years. I have BPD so I know I'm not an easy client, but I also have a huge trauma background and I don't know If I'm being too sensitive. He's the only therapist I felt like I got somewhere with.

Hi. It sounds like a difficult conversation. I can see that flexible appointments might not work for scheduling purposes, or perhaps a therapist thinks it would not help the work you do. But I think they should be willing to have a conversation about that. Also about what days your attend. Those seems perfectly reasonable things to talk about.

I simply can't imagine my therapist ever saying "I don't like your attitude." That sounds too me very like being talked down to. I can see how it could be useful to help you see if your approach to the conversation was helpful or think about your expectations etc. But he needed to judge the timing better perhaps. Definitely be needed to communicate better. He is hardly modelling respect

I suppose for me I would want to see how he responds if you tell him how you felt. Does he acknowledge and apologise for his part in the conversation.

Otherwise I'd worry that he sees himself in an authoritive role with you. And if you view yourself as"difficult" you will go along with that.

I am not in any way qualified in this, based only on my experience as a client. I wouldn't leave if it has genuinely been helpful but I'd be alert to what is going on and his reaction as above. I sound maybe too sure of what I'm saying, just my thoughts.

I can't imagine my therapist saying something like that but things aren't always perfectly smooth. Ive noticed when we have had difficult moments she has been very open to talking about them and working it out together. It's always always been a "let's talk" response. She has also said that she didn't always get it right on a number of occasions.

I don't think any of us can really weigh into this one properly as this is a private relationship between you and your relatively long term therapist. But I have been in therapy for a long time too and the longevity of that relationship has now become incredibly important to me, and I would be concerned about myself if I just dumped it all and walked away. Because for me, that would be repeating very old dysfunctional behaviour patterns that I have built up for a reason, and I am in therapy to challenge.
Before you walk away, I wonder how you would feel about going back to a session to discuss what he said? Just to see how it feels to sit in a room and work it through? I appreciate that it will feel uncomfortable or shit or hard, and you don't understand why he said what he said in the way he said it, but it may be an important experience for you to go back and sit and discuss it with him. Because it's completely ok to challenge people back when they say something that you consider is not ok. He is human too and won't always respond in a way you expect. I also agree about raising that it felt like he was being authoritarian, that may also be an incredibly important discussion to have.
Good luck OP!

Thank you both for replying.

I emailed him asking if he had any sessions available for tuesday for Wednesday and that I was sorry for walking out but I didn't know how to handle it.

I wouldn’t go back but if you feel you can get past his comments as he’s the only one you feel has helped then discuss it with him.

I did go back for a few more sessions, but in my last session yesterday I was triggered, I shut down completely and began to sob for most of the session.

He said at the end that it was about control and I did it to frustrate him.

I've emailed to cancel my next sessions.

Mmm, I’m no expert but that doesn’t sound right.....

No I wouldn't if he said it the way I read it, however if it was a challenge/question and 'normal' to the therapuetic relationship I would but I would also raise it in the next session.
You have worked together for 2 odd years so he should have a really good idea of who you are/how you are and you should have build a trusting relationship toegther.

I hope you're ok. Sounds like the therapy was moving in a direction that was really challenging and painful for you. Which, unfortunately, is generally the spaces that we need to go to in order to find release. It is so difficult to describe what is happening in that therapeutic room. The conversations we have behind those closed doors are generally unlike any other we will have anywhere else. If you genuinely feel like the trust has completely gone I hope you can find someone else to walk through this with, because it is vital to remember that what was triggered in there was about you, not about him. Therapists are mirrors, and often the stuff that we expose about ourselves in that room is the most uncomfortable truth we will ever hear. So generally we don't want to sit with it. But, every once in a while, we need to hear the truth. Painful as it is.

I booked a session with another therapist to talk about this. He said that my current therapist was human. Everything I was going through now was part of the work that I had to do including my ambivalence towards my therapist. That it was likely if I left now- that i would repeat the same pattern with another therapist.

It made for sense for me and I emailed asking for my session back- and we had a very good session. I've grown so much with this therapist from when I first started.

Wow. I'm really pleased for you! Thanks so much for sharing that back to us. Hope you have a good weekend!

Hey, it sounds like you are really committed to working through your relationship challenges with your therapist, even though it has been incredibly challenging. This is how the work gets done, especially with challenges like BPD that are fundamentally relational in nature. I hope this is richly rewarded in your personal growth. It is really not easy but well done you for sticking with it.

Thank you for all the kind replies! :)