The past two weeks have been hit after hit of blows that’s really making me struggle. I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 15, I’m 25 now and I have ups and downs, but normally they pass. But things at the moment feel really bad, but I feel like I’m being selfish, bring them on myself and that people have things so much worse. That I don’t deserve to feel this way as my life compared to others is ok.
It’s just I can’t go a day at the moment without feeling like I’m suffocating in my sadness. I don’t want to be around anybody, I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I just want to be alone, which is so selfish of me when I have two little ones to look after, one with SEN. I just feel like the worst person at the moment.
So this has all escalated over a couple of weeks. I started a couple of weeks ago, I started a job supporting at a special needs school. I had about 5 minutes of training (I was totally new to the job) and was left to organise a highly diabetic students meals for the day. I tried getting some help but they told me to copy what she had, had previously. So I did and I got the numbers wrong, the girl didn’t go into shock luckily but I felt awful, the staff seemed to grow quickly frustrated on me then and made me feel rather stupid. I was so embarrassed and devastated in myself, I didn’t go back and let myself and those kids down.
A couple days later my husband found out he’s being made redundant, we’re now finding it’s very hard at the moment to find work for his job in our area.
I applied for another job, thought it went well at the interview. Until one of the staff members rang me to say, I didn’t have enough experience and that I should volunteer with them so I may actually understand the role. It’s probably me being sensitive but it hurt, I thought I did understand it and well, feel pretty stupid again.
My son is waiting for an autism assessment and it’s been a nightmare 5 years to be listened to. We’ve had private reports from places like bibic to help back us up which we’re so lucky to have. He had a school observation yesterday from the autism team and sounds like he had a blast. All happiness and smiles apparently, so now I just know we’re not going to get diagnosed. Although that same morning he was hysterical most the morning, as I kept forgetting things. But they never see the side we see, for years the nhs have made me feel like it’s all in my head. What if it is?
It’s uniques chromosome awareness week this week which is great. My son I mentioned above has a rare chromosome deletion and I’m still struggling, after nearly 3 years to come to terms with it. Unique keep putting up lovely posts on Facebook and I just sit crying over them. It’s so bloody selfish on my part, but it’s the unknown future part that upsets me most for him. He’s got two language disorders, sensory processing difficulties, global delay, waiting on the autism team and finds learning very hard. These are all caused by the deletion and as he gets older, other conditions like epilepsy can arise as well. Other things could as well, but due to a lack of research they can’t say what.
Now this one I’m embarrassed to mention, as I know I’m just being a selfish brat. But I can’t stop the feeling and I’m horrible person for feeling it, as some people don’t have a home. But I just can’t stop it. I’m living in a house that I don’t like and didn’t want. There wasn’t much choice when we were buying and my husband loved this house, I didn’t. I really didn’t want it. It’s a massive project house, every room, every wall, every floor and pipe needs work. It’s liveable but it’s just so, so much work. I feel overwhelmed by it all. Husband is not much of a doer and I have to really push him to do work around the house. So not a lots getting done. He also has frequent migraines so at least one weekend a month he’s in bed all weekend. I think we’ve taken on way too much with what we can deal with. Plus we don’t always have the money to throw at the house. I wish we never brought it, I feel stuck here.
The other stuff is just silly that’s been on my mind a lot. I started running back in January and have got to 6k which makes me so happy. But my low mood is impacting my running. I keep telling myself I can’t do it, I look stupid, I’m stupid to think I can do this etc and keep stopping. It’s so frustrating and makes me so cross with myself. I’ve lost over 4 stone which is great, but I’m very scared. Since feeling this way I haven’t been eating great and tbh, the past 3 days I’ve binged pretty hard. My family would make remarks about me when I was bigger, so I’m just terrified of being the fat one to joke about again.
It’s also dawned on my I’m 25, I have no career, no skills, no training and no clue what to do in life. I thought I wanted to work with Sen nursery children, but I’ve found recently my confidence is so knocked. I’m like a little quiet mouse whose too scared to be seen, how is that any good for someone whose meant to be supporting a child 😞 I just feel like a joke to myself, I know I want to work around the areas of helping Sen children and their families, but I just can’t figure out what. It’s so frustrating.
I just feel so stupid and I’m so angry with myself. People have real problems and I feel selfish for feeling how I do. I haven’t told anyone how I’m feeling, I’ve tried with my husband but he just tried to start sex after I tried to say, which in all honesty, I really don’t want at the moment. We’re going away for a couple nights together from tonight and I feel so awful, but I don’t want to go. I just want to sit on my own and be alone. I feel like I’m going to ruin the weekend, but I don’t want to have fun and be romantic. I just don’t feel up to it, which again is just selfish. I feel like I bring a lot of this upon myself, which I probably do.
I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this, I think I just wanted it out somewhere and not in my head.