I'm in such a mess (a bit long, I'm afraid)

[RiveterRosie]

I’m in my late 50s & am being treated for anxiety & depression after a suicide attempt 2 years ago. I see a psychiatrist and have just finished a 12 week course of CBT with the psychology team. I am due to have more therapy in September to help with my self esteem.

I am unemployed. I left a job I loved to do teacher training. I hated it and ended up so depressed and anxious after only half a term that I made a suicide attempt. Since then I haven’t worked – I know I should find a job but depression leaves me exhausted and sometimes unable to leave the house, so I worry how I will cope being at work.

I have no money. I “signed on” for Universal Credit for about 6 months but during a particularly bad period of depression I stopped going to appointments so the money stopped. I had a very small amount of savings which have now gone. I have £10 in my purse and have no idea when I will get any more money. I haven’t paid my car insurance and the MOT ran out 2 months ago.

I got a bursary for my teacher training course but because I left early I had to pay a big chunk of it back. The Uni still charged me fees & took legal action to recover them (they were to be paid from the bursary). Step Change helped me and I have a debt repayment plan for £44 per month. I don’t know how I will pay this month’s instalment.

I have a DP, we’ve been together since I was 20. We’ve never been good communicators: he doesn’t know I see a psychiatrist or take ADs (my tablets are in plain sight, but he’s never asked me about them). His only comment on the day of my suicide attempt was “But you never get depressed”. He pays the bills and rent etc where previously we split it 50/50, but we never discuss money. He doesn’t know about my debt, how little money I have, the situation with my car. He never asks me how I am, or what I’ve been doing. He never gives me a hug. I feel like I am invisible to him.

I was very close to my brother and recently tried to explain to him about my depression – he was very dismissive and for the last 2 months we’ve hardly been in contact with each other – not from lack of trying on my part. Before I saw him once a week and I miss him a lot.

I sleep, and cry in secret, but don’t do much else. It’s becoming harder and harder to motivate myself to leave the house and the slightest amount of physical effort leaves me feeling worn out and breathless. I look into the future and see nothing – I don’t think I will be here in a year.

OP your situation sounds so hard. Did the cbt help? Could you just get a job in Starbucks or something to get a bit of money coming in and get out of the house? I know it seems really bleak right now but you're in a vicious cycle with the depression making life impossible and your life making you depressed. Well done for taking action on the depression. Keep trying- it may seem hopeless now but that's because you're depressed, you have skills and you can turn this around. Xx

I don't have much in the way of advice but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this.

In the words of Winston Churchill, "if you're going through hell, keep going".

I've suffered depression too... I went for a walk once at a difficult time during my depression and sat down on a bench, someone had carved those words into the bench.

Finances going south is beyond stressful at the best of times, so no wonder you're feeling at rock bottom.

Do you think you can steel yourself to address a couple of practical things and then see if you can manage some more?

The car - do you need it? Could you sell it if not, and get some money to cover the £44, plus a bit more for breathing space? I've sold two with webuyanycar as I had no time to go elsewhere and found them OK (just be prepared to go for it when they first offer a price online as if you wait and begin the process again the offer gets lower each time).

You don't sound well enough to be working right now, but of course the catch 22 of that is that being stuck at home sinking further into depression never helped anyone get better either. Cut yourself some slack talking about jobs for now but maybe revisit every couple of weeks to see if it's time to start thinking about it. Start universal credit going again. Visit citizens advice to see if there's anything else you should know/get help with.

The loneliness of being in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs can be very destructive to your sense of self, and far more lonely than actually being alone. Has it always been like this? If you had more motivation do you think you'd want to stay or leave?

What do you spend your time doing? Is it browsing the internet, sleeping too much, reading? I'm currently in the process of trying really honestly evaluate what I do with my day and how contributes to my mental health to pull myself out of a deep rut. Things that need to get culled (but are tough!) are: too much internet, too much time indoors, not getting showered and dressed first thing, eating badly, not exercising, late nights. I can't fix them all at once but need to start chipping away - it might help you too to really assess what your brain is spending it's time on as it does sort of 'set the tone' for your mental state. It's not that simplistic of course, but can make a difference I think.

@RiveterRosie please please please tell your CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) how you're feeling. If you don't have one, ask your psychiatrist for one. They visit your home, or meet you for coffee every week. (I'm based in Wales, UK).

Having a CPN I could just talk to about my worries, financial and personal, has saved my life. My CPN also got me in touch with GOFAL (Mental Health Charity) and I now have a support worker who has helped me massively with finances. My triggers include phone calls, letters and other social interaction. GOFAL have taken my issues by the horns, and even speak to my debtors/step change on my behalf.

Also, don't underestimate Citizens Advice. They have a specialist team that deal with benefit claims and can help you fill them in correctly, and find out exactly what financial support you're entitled to. Just book an appointment. If you manage to get a support worker from a Mental Health charity, they may be able to attend the meeting with you for support.

I speak from experience when I say you are NOT ready to return to work. I've returned to work early, telling myself to 'get over' the daily panic attacks. It worked for about a year, and then I had another breakdown... Sometimes the hardest part is accepting you are temporarily broken, and need time (sometimes years) to heal.

Ask your CPN or GP about counselling. They may be able to include your husband in the sessions, so that you can start opening up to him in a safe environment. If he's worth his salt, he will embrace what you're going through and be there for you.

Please keep us updated, and stay strong xxx

Thank you for replying. Your kindness has made me cry so I'm going to come back later when I feel a bit better and read your replies properly and think about what you've said to me.

OP, I can't offer anything useful. But I wanted you to know that I read your post and it made me care about you.

As a stranger, I hope that doesn't come across as creepy, but please know that you matter and that people want you to have the best life. Reach out to let people help you rebuild.

Rosie I'm so sorry you're going through this, you deserve kindness care and support please please seek this out from your GP or your cpn.

ideally we can rely on those close to us to provide kindness and support, I'm so sorry that your partner and your brother are of no help in this regard, you deserve to be treated with kindness.
I hope you're ok today 💐

Sometimes tackling the practical issues can help focus your mind on things you can achieve and that in turn helps with other issues.

Firstly is it possible that the type of ADs you are taking are just not the right type for you.

Friend swapped hers a few times because they either made no difference to her or the side effects she didn’t like.

On a more practical note I am a great believer in the power of lists and exercise.

I think sitting down with your finances and writing down everything you owe in total in one column then how much each month you will need to cover the repayments in the next column.

This will start to give you some idea of how much you need to have to just cover everything.

Don’t look on it as scary figures just think of it as Maths. It is just numbers on a page.

In a 3rd column then you can put how much you pay off each month and the carry forward total in the 4th column and repeat each month.

Do you actually need the car? If not I would sell it and buy a bike to get you around and use the money to pay off firstly the monthly payments to everyone (keeping if possible the same amount back to pay off next months monthly payments) anything left over I would target specific bills to pay them down.

I know you should pay off the higher interest stuff first but sometimes paying off the smallest bills each time to get rid of the amount of different payments you have to make can be better psychologically.

After the car is there anything you can sell to de clutter drawers. Clothes books, dvds etc. Just to raise money to pay off your debts and it has the added bonus of clearing your house.

I have watched enough decluttering Marie Kondo programmes to see the positive difference the less stuff people have around them makes to their MH.

Not really the weather but even if it is chucking it down can you get yourself outside for even a walk round the block or gradually a bit longer walk each day.

It will be a super human effort to start with but gradually should make a difference to get out in daylight.

Although on the one hand you don’t sound like you are fit for work as you are not on benefits could you get a job that has absolutely no responsibility.
It will get you out connecting with people as well as bringing money in to help with getting on top of your finances.

With your Dp, (not to be visited atm leave this till you are feeling stronger and on a more even keel) is it possible that you have just outgrown one another and it is time to move on or if you sat and had a chat with him do you think that you could change your life and start again with each other in a different country or different town with a different career path.

Atm I think this aspect of your life can be left until you are clear of financial worries and you are feeling in a stronger position

You mentioned you loved the job you left, is there any chance of going back into that field.

Presumably You will have a pension at some point in the future.