Struggling

[hopelesslyromantic93]

I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time, probably about 10 years or so on and off. I was referred to the mental health team last year and was told I exhibit traits of BPD, but as i (at the time) was managing to keep my full time job going and i was in a relationship, was told I wouldn't really get any help. Fast forward to now, i have a 6 month old daughter and i can feel the strong symptoms coming back again. I have little to zero friends - it's like I don't actually know how to maintain a friendship. I'm very all or nothing. I have major anxiety over everything. I am turning into a spendaholic. I change my personality depending on who I'm with - I feel like I don't actually have anything of myself, I just do what I think people want or will like. I realise I am very self aware which is a positive but in honesty it is exhausting. I overthink everything because I dont want people to know I've got BPD if that makes sense? I've felt like ending it a few times just because I am so exhausted and I feel like I can't deal with the emotional turmoil anymore. I'm engaged, but am fighting thr urge to join dating sites just to get some attention. In the past I have cjeated on my now fiancee, I was basically seeing two people at the same time. Ive got in touch with the drs to try and get some more help but I'm not hopeful. Not really sure what the point of this is - just wondering of anyone else has felt like this?

Hello from one BPD to another 👋🏽

It's not an easy diagnosis, mine screwed me for a while and I was like, who even am I? How much is me and how much is my diagnosis, don't get me wrong that line can still be blurred but I'm a bit more on top of it now.

As for not getting help cus you're high functioning, that's bullshit.. I have 2 kids, work and uni! I get overlooked for it as well but am still very unwell, go back to your doctors and tell them you're suicidal and you need an urgent referral, they should do it right away! That will open you up to some groups that help.

While you're waiting, it may sound silly but YouTube! Eeeeeverything is on there, it's DBT skills you're looking for, it won't just fix you, but you'll eventually be able to find some things that help.

For attention, that's a hard one and people just don't get it so they? But honestly the best thing you can do it try to be open, I know you feel like you need to hide it and it does take time, but let your fiancée go through this with you, he can learn to understand your traits and needs and give you that attention and support you as best as he can..

I try to be very upfront about my struggles now because like you say, it affects everything! I get possessive over my friends (of which I have like 2) and it doesn't come out in a horrible way, more jokey, but they know it's real and I tell them. When I'm reacting to something, I try to explain why and sometimes they still don't get it and I get frustrated but once you explain it means they know a little more for next time.

I know it's so hard to deal with because it really is so intense, but you can do it!! Just try to be kind to yourself, this comes about mostly from trauma or dysfunction, so reason how this probably isn't even your fault? No one asks to have a mental health issue but sadly we do and that's okay! It doesn't have to be you or your diagnosis, you are one and so people will accept that.

Also, let yourself see the positives! BPD really means we love so strongly, we care so genuinely and deeply for someone cus everything we feel is intense, we will try so hard to make someone feel better (like how this has turned into an essay haha)
There's so many good things!! You have them all, it's a journey to learn a bit about yourself and you will.

Hugs xx