When you just don't want to be here anymore

[ThrowThoseCurtainsWide]

What do you do? I just want to be gone. I'm exhausted. Life is a daily battle with my head. I'm seeing GP tomorrow, I have an assessment with the MH team next week. But nothing is going to change. I'm still not going to want to be here. I can't act on these thoughts because of the DCs. That prevents me from planning anything. Because I always promised myself that I wouldn't mess up their mental health. But I've recently left their father, we had to declare ourselves homeless and they have me now. What if them living with me when I'm unwell is worse? They are at their father's tonight. I am very very sad and alone.

OP,
I didn't want to read and run. I know your feeling all too well, but you just need to hold on until tomorrow. The fact that you are posting on here and looking to talk to people means that you are still fighting this and I'm so very proud of you for that.
Tell me about you children - are they home with you now, or at school?

They're at school. I'm supposed to be at work, but I'm not. I had to drive and deliver something 45mins away today and I haven't gone back. I need to let them know, but I haven't. Currently sitting in the car thinking about going home, but that's an hours drive. I'm hungry, but I only have £5 to my name until Monday so will have to wait until I get home. I just do t want to feel like this anymore.

Would work mind if you didn't go back for the afternoon? I think you need the mental health break. You can be there when the kids get home from school, but before that, you can make some lunch and take a shower/bath and just rest?
I know it's difficult, but is there something else that you could focus your mind on? A project you've started but need to finish, helping your kids with their homework? Just something to break the cycle in your mind.

Kids are with their father tonight. I'm on my own. I fell asleep at traffic lights on the way home. I feel rubbish

You are exhausted OP, you need to get home and just sleep. Forget about everything else - chores or anything else that needs doing can wait. Get home (safely) and sleep until you have to be up tomorrow.

Make the most of your evening on your own. Bath, food, sleep, and hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow.

I'm home now. I've had a little bit of food. I'm going to curl up on the sofa for a bit I think.

I need to write a list of things to tell the GP tomorrow.

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm having a bit of an existential crisis at the moment. My partner left me just under 8 weeks ago completely out of the blue (just doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't care about our relationship) and along with the chronic pain I have and my long term mental illness, I feel hopeless every day. Like you, I have a 5yo so I know I can't actually act on anything. It doesn't help, yes it does stop me harming myself but I feel like it's actually worse being forced to suffer when without him I could quite happily end it all. My dad died by suicide when I was 6, which majorly contributed to my own mental health issues, and I always promised myself I would never do that to my child, but every day I wake up and I feel the same. It feels like it will never end. I don't have much advice but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Definitely make the list for your doctor, I find when I get in there everything I wanted to say leaves my head, so it's better to write it down xx

How did the GP go OP?

GP can't really offer much. We're just waiting until MH appointment next Thursday now. I mean there's not much you can do in 10mins really anyway. I've got enough of my meds. She asked me about what triggered self harm yesterday, but I'm not really sure. Said that I should call the crisis team next time I'm going to harm.

Sorry OP I have no advice but really hope things improve for you soon. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to? Please phone the Samaritans or similar if you need to. Are the kids back with you now?

please put the Samaritans on your phone's contacts. I have them and a few other ones for those times when I feel it's too much and need someone to listen to how I feel.

OP you are in a really tough place and I do know how those dark feelings feel. One thing I did was to keep on making go apoiibtnents, the more they hear how you feel and the different aspects gives them a better oicture.

Self refer to steps to well-being. they are good. Ask your go for every referral to every bit if help you can get.

please breath and slow down those difficult thoughts.

I won't pretend to kniw how you feel right now but I've been to that point where it felt too much. I'm here now saying to uou, you will get past this, it takes time It's been a year and three months since I started to get better. We are all here to hold your hand (electronically).

take care, you will get through this