I just don’t want to be here anymore

[isthisdesire]

There’s nothing particularly ‘wrong’. I’ve had depression / anxiety since dd was born three years ago but largely that’s lifted (no medication, loads of therapy). I just feel meh. I’m getting old. All the good stuff is over. I plod on. Don’t reallt love my husband but it’s not bad enough to rock the boat while the kids are small. Ok job but no glittering career or achievements as stopped work for a couple of years each time with both kids and take on all the child related stuff and house stuff even when working (dh does none of it) so a demanding job plus that and a chronic health condition is too much. So basically - failed at life, won’t achieve anything from a career perspective.
Two mainly healthy kids, one with ASD, ok house, few close friends, couple of hobbies.
But meh, is this IT? Like another 40 years of THIS? It just all seems entirely pointless. I don’t feel so anxious anymore but I look around me and don’t see the point in existing here for another four decades or so.
Is it normal to feel so bored? Like there’s just no purpose to life? As though you’ve achieved nothing and have run out of time so may as well just call it a day?

I wonder what 'succeeding' at life looks like for you? Do you ever wonder if someone else would look at your life and think 'wow, she really has it together and has accomplished so much throughout any set-backs she has had?' I'm quite struck by how you seem to have decided you have plateaued...how do you know that this is as much as you will achieve? How do any of us know what is just around the corner? And I mean that in a real way not in an airy fairy way. The fact is that we just do not have that level of control.

This might sound like a weird thing to say, but it has taken me a while to accept the fact that a lot of life is boring, I was massively resistant to that at first and really quite shocked and angry, but the bottom line is that most of life just is what it is. Day in day out, same stuff. Our real power is our own change of perception to our own lives. Which I wonder if perhaps so more therapy might help you look? I hope you can find some release/relief. Good luck!

And of course if you need immediate help or support for suicidal thoughts or ideation please seek help. Because there is more to life. Please don't give up.

I feel like this too. Sometimes I think if it weren't for having dc, I would just call it a day. But recently I thought to myself, actually, if it weren't for dc, with my last scrap of energy if I can summon it, I should CHANGE IT. Before giving up, I should take a sabbatical. Rent a house somewhere green and leafy near a lake (in the UK or even elsewhere) for a month or two and think it all over. Meet new people, get a new perspective.

But I can't do that, because I have dc. So I just have to keep plodding on. One foot in front of another.

I guess being financially well off enough (individually) to do more or less what you like. I’m never going to earn a fortune. Dh earns well over £150k a year but it’s his money and not mine. So for example I’d love to go away for a couple of nights with some friends next year as we are celebrating a big event but I know I won’t be able to afford it. I’d love to take the children to different cities and look at museums and galleries - but dh isn’t interested in that and he makes those decisions because it’s his money, we we just sit by a pool for a fortnight instead while I go slowly insane from boredom.
There are lots of things I’d like to do...but I can’t afford them. I know money isn’t everything but it definitely gives you options.
I’d like to be more financially ‘successful’ but that will mean more hours / a more demanding job both of which right now would be really tricky to manage so I guess it’s just the least worse option.

I feel like that is what my life has become - constantly just choosing the ‘least worse’ option because there are no longer any good options.

I just want more - more options, more choices. I’d like to rewind 20 years but sadly that’s not an option for any of us.

Why tf is it DH's money and not family money? You need to Google financial abuse.

What would you like out of life? When you are 90 and look back what would you like to see? Decide on your future then take steps to make it happen. So for me it's about experiences - going places, visiting countries, seeing shows etc To do that I need money. To get that I need to..... And I set small goals to help me achieve the larger goals. -- one of my biggest aims is to have 3 happy healthy kids. And that keeps me busy most the day. If you dream of something then take steps to make it happen.

Yeah I’m aware it isn’t great - in fact he’d have to give me more money than he does now if we divorced - but ultimately the children would suffer in many ways and so right now I have to just suck it up.

Sorry cross post with you. It sounds like a problem with expectations. Can DH compromise and go somewhere where there is a pool and culture? Can you do an extra weekend somewhere else? As for you having money to go away with friends - what DH earns is family money - not his/hers. Presumably you stay home to allow him to follow this career. Therefore you are as entitled to decide what it's spent on.

For me too user - in desperate to travel and see places. It’s what I want more than anything but I can’t see how it will ever be possible.

Could you talk to dh? I appreciate it's his money, but without you there to do everything else, he'd not be earning all that. If he did for you everything that you do for him, then perhaps you could earn enough to do the things you'd like to.

Can you say to him that you are feeling very low and would like to do these things? See what he says? If he refuses to share his earnings, then tell him that he must therefore share the childcare so that you can earn enough to do them?

Could you visit a great city on the cheap with your kids? Stay in a youth hostel or something and visit anything that's free?

I earn but not very much. It gets swallowed up on car / kids’ clothes and activities / taking the children out etc. It doesn’t leave a huge amount of disposable income.
Dh will never fund my going away. He has been away abroad numerous times for stag dos etc since we had dc but there’s no point in asking him.

From reading your updates I’m not convinced that for you staying with your husband is the “least worse” option. It seems unfair that he gets to keep “his money” when you’ve clearly made sacrifices to “your money” by caring for your joint children. It sounds like you feel completely disempowered and unable to do what you want with your life, because of your husband and what he wants. Which sounds pretty rubbish to me.

To a complete outsider you do also sound quite depressed still, although whether that’s a symptom or a cause I don’t know.

I appreciate it's his money

Why? They're married and they have children together. Marriage is a legal contract that binds together two people.... "everything I have I share with you". Instead OP's husband is using the fact of her childcare-stunted income being little compared to his to control the activities of the entire family. He's an abusive arsehole. And I doubt the kids would be worse off if their parents were separated.

What happens if you do ask him? What if you say, no, I don't want to go there, I want to do this instead?

How old are your kids? I actually think you should try and gather the courage to leave your dh. If you'd be financially better off, and the kids are still quite small, then go. At least then you could have separate holidays.

May I also say that we don’t have a mortgage either... so in theory we should be able to take the children wherever we want really.
Dh wont change. He will never change. It has always been the same. Although I earned more than I do now before dc I will never earn as much as he does, he has quite a lot of money from other sources as well as his job. Family investments and such.
I will never have that.
I would love to be earning enough money to be able to have some more freedom but I don’t know how easy that will be at the moment.
There’s no point me asking dh re the weekend away. He won’t want to do the childcare for a start so I know there’s no way he would agree to finance it as well.

What does he bring to the family, other than the small amount of money he is prepared to allow you?

What bills does your husband pay especially if you have no mortgage?

Sounds like your paying it all and why you have no money

This is weird, over 150k a year and no mortgage you guys should be having an easy time doing what you like? That’s a lot of disposable money per month. I don’t understand the dynamic where you’re married with children and don’t share the money I don’t think. I’d tell him you’re unhappy and thinking of leaving because it doesn’t sound like a shared life and see if you can talk it out together.

Dh doesn’t like to spend any of it. The house is falling apart.

Wouldn't it be better for both you and your children to live the life that you'd like to have, without him?

I think you need a frank conversation. Tell him you are unhappy because....don't attack him....bit list reasons like....you can't give the girls cultural experiences, you are unable to have a break, the house is falling apart and losing value. Therefore you have found a new full time job which means he will have to step up to childcare and drop kids at.childminder/school half the week and be back from work in time to collect half the week. That school holiday care will now cost X. That your new role will be sending you away every couple of months for a week at a time when he will need to do it all......remind him you will now need to also pay a cleaner and gardener which will cost him X.

When he complains and moans - explain why you want a job as you don't feel the family is very fair. That you should work as a team. As such all expenses need to be paid from the family pot. As should spending money come back out....for both of you. As should there be savings for the holiday fund.

If he really won't work with you then decide if life would be better alone. And I know that is a massive thing to think about but as you said earlier you only have one life. You deserve to be happy too.