I am a middle aged unremarkable woman.
I am ugly and have bad teeth (despite these being straightened when I was young). My hair is awful. I am putting on weight. I never look good and i am unphotogenic.
I am odd. I find it difficult to make friends or have relationships, even with family. I carry bad thoughts and find it hard to really like anyone.
I hate being in a group and will naturally be quiet. Everyone else seems funnier and more confident than me.
I am a mother of two. I take my unhappiness and frustration out on my children and husband.
Life has not gone the way I wanted it to. I thought that with hard work and commitment I could change things and have the life I wanted but that isn’t proving to be the case. It seems I work hard to stand still. I find my job incredibly hard, largely because I find it difficult to deal with anyone and imagine that they don’t like or have confidence in me. Then I get frustrated when I don’t progress.
I am materialistic and wanted to get away from an impoverished background. My parents were poor, Irish (which at the time was looked down upon) and my father drank a lot. I was embarrassed of my family circumstances. I can’t leave that behind and think that people see that when they look at me. Just a stupid, lowly person of poor Irish origin who deserves to remain at the bottom of the rung.
I have got so far in my career but have stalled and at this age i am not going to progress to earn the level of salary I want and afford the lifestyle I want and I dreamt of when young and unhappy.
I live in a small house. It’s ok. Shabby inside. I would love to move somewhere different but for various reasons and an an easy life i just go along with this. To do otherwise would prove too disruptive.
I really struggle with envy of others. I look at a lot of people and think “ they are what I want to be but am not, they have everything I want but have not got”.
My health is ok and I have enough money to survive.
But it is not enough and I sad and I feel bad about not recognising the value of what I do have.
I am invisible, unhappy, uncomfortable to be around.
It feels bleak as all I can see is more of the same for years to come.