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Mental health

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Original poster

Anyone with BPD help me understand DH's manias?

25 replies

P4ainted · 05/06/2019 11:26

DH has BPD2 of long standing, usually well controlled with meds but periods of severe depression followed by hypomanic periods.
It is is obviously hard to support him during the depression but the manias I find really difficult. He is like a completely different person, yes there's the boundless energy and going out with no need to sleep but what I find really hard is the aggression and the conviction that he is right on everything and that everyone else in the world is an idiot including me. He treats me with such utter contempt for being what he sees as both intellectually and emotionally inferior to him. He is back to normal now but I can't let go of the hurt he caused and I assume it's what he really thinks of me, he just hides it the rest of the time. Can anyone offer any insight?

OP posts:

Woollycardi · 06/06/2019 15:08

I don't know if I can offer any help as it's not my OH, but a family member has bipolar and I can relate to a lot of what you say. It is very, very hard to know what is the illness talking and what is him. I don't think there is a straightforward answer to whether or not the truth is coming out in mania, but ultimately this has to be about what is ok for you and what is not. Can you challenge him when he treats you with 'utter contempt'? Can you talk to him following an event to discuss in a more rational way what was happening there? Is it ok for you to allow him to say absolutely anything he wants? To what degree are you willing to put up with being treated badly by someone, even though they are ill? I can't answer any of these questions for you, but just trying to give my own perspective on a situation which is never black and white. I wish you all the best.

OMGLongVac · 06/06/2019 15:15

I assume it's what he really thinks of me, he just hides it the rest of the time

I can't speak for your husband, but when I'm high, I get irritable and frustrated, because my mind is running so fast and I have such big exciting ideas and plans, and therefore, in contrast, other people's minds are grindingly slow and they're obstructive, unimaginative and pessimistic. (I try not to let this show, but probably fail.) It is most definitely not a reflection of how I feel when I'm well.

Original poster

P4ainted · 06/06/2019 21:20

Thank you both for replying. Woolycardi those are the questions that are going round and round in my head. I did challenge him on it and he denies everything, says no one else thinks of him as an awful person, says it's my fault he has MH issues. I haven't mentioned it since he returned to normal. I daren't. He's never really accepted that he has manic periods.

OMG that is very insightful thank you, that is exactly what he is like, frustrated that not everyone sees things like him. Are you aware you are having/have had manic periods? He doesn't seem to be but the docs agree that's what they are.

OP posts:

getback · 06/06/2019 21:25

haven't mentioned it since he returned to normal. I daren't. He's never really accepted that he has manic periods

This is wrong. He is ill and needs to accept that, he needs to accept it has an impact on you too. You should never feel afraid to raise issue with a partner and BPD does not excuse him from that.

Howtotrainyourhamster · 06/06/2019 21:28

Grandiosity, which is common in mania can manifest as being quite contemptuous to everyone else - you mention that he thinks at these times that everyone, including you, in the world is an idiot so in that sense it may not be personal even if it feels it.

Original poster

P4ainted · 06/06/2019 21:42

He does accept the depression and that's what he seeks treatment for and is usually well controlled. He just doesn't see at all that the manic periods are abnormal, he just feels happy and that to him is good so it's never questioned. It's so weird looking from the outside as he has a personality transplant for a few months then goes back to normal.

Howto you're right that it's not just me but obviously I'm the one who lives with it day to day so it's hard not to take personally. I suppose I'm not magnanimous enough to just write it off as part of the illness, I feel resentful. Maybe that's for me to work on given he doesn't even accept it happened so is unlikely to own it and apologise.

OP posts:

OMGLongVac · 06/06/2019 22:08

P4, at the time, I'll generally be aware that I'm probably a bit high, but mostly try to kid myself that I'm not. Though it can be hard to know sometimes, when it's before a certain level, whether I'm beginning to go high or am just excited/in a good mood/over-caffeinated/under stress, and when I get above a certain level, I start to lose that consciousness that the way I'm thinking and feeling isn't quite right. But that kind of awareness varies by person and by how unwell you are. Does he have a proper diagnosis of bipolar disorder? If not, I can see how it would be easier for him to kid himself there's nothing wrong.

But disregarding all this, he should not be trying to blame you for his mental illness, and you're under no obligation to put up with his shit given that even when he's well he refuses to apologise or even acknowledge his behaviour. How he behaves when he's unwell doesn't necessarily translate to his real feelings, but he doesn't seem to be trying to consider your feelings at all, ill or well.

mawbroon · 06/06/2019 22:09

Mania can feel absolutely brilliant, especially after depression. It's really seductive and the temptation to 'just keep it at this level' is enormous, as is the temptation to stop taking meds.

There comes a point on the scale where you really, really don't believe there's anything wrong and people who try to tell you otherwise just don't appear to get it in your own mind. Anyone suggesting you are ill feels like a bit of a threat.

The key for me was identifying early triggers. If I have one night where my meds don't knock me out then I'm on it the next night with a higher dose for a few days til it settles. This means I don't often become manic these days. It took a while though. Things I thought were early signs, such as racing thoughts, actually meant my mania was much further on than I thought. I also get a specific type of headache when my mood is creeping up.

Bipolar is an utter fucking pain in the arse and it must be shit for those around me...

OMGLongVac · 06/06/2019 22:10

*below a certain level

serialtester · 06/06/2019 22:16

Hi, I have periods of hypomania and my thought processes then are nothing like what I think when I'm well. You sound like a wonderful partner.

OMGLongVac · 06/06/2019 22:25

Do you remember those Berocca adverts — "you, but on a really good day"?

For me, euphoric hypomania is kind of like that, 20 hours a day, every day. Until I realised I was actually just crazy, and that there was a heavy price to pay for it, I'd have definitely identified with "He just doesn't see at all that the manic periods are abnormal, he just feels happy and that to him is good so it's never questioned". Having a mind that feels like a lubricated Rubik's cube in the hands of a cube solving expert feels great when you spend huge chunks of your life with a mind that's more like a mouldy potato. I can sympathise with his unwillingness to see it as part of an illness, and something that he needs to try to prevent, but I can't sympathise with his treatment of you.

thegreatcrestednewt · 06/06/2019 22:28

Video him when he is next manic, and show him the video?

He blames you for his mh issues?

Are you happy to live like this forever?

Original poster

P4ainted · 06/06/2019 22:45

OMG the Berocca thing made me laugh! That's exactly it. And I think he would agree with the mouldy potato analagy, he often says he feels 'dulled' so the Rubiks cube made sense. And then I come along to piss on his chips...
I don't think he has a formal diagnosis but has seen a few psychiatrists over the years, I think you have to have more frequent episodes to get a proper diagnosis. Not that I suppose it would change much.

OP posts:

Coronapop · 06/06/2019 22:52

I thought the medication for BPD was supposed to control the depression/mania? If it does not then perhaps he needs to ask for it to be reviewed to see if there is something better. I doubt if you will ever be able to reason with someone in a manic state.

OMGLongVac · 06/06/2019 22:55

I don't know whether it would change much or not, but a psychiatrist telling him he has bipolar disorder, showing him how his symptoms match up with it, and pointing out that it's a serious lifelong condition and that choosing not to deal with it can have appalling consequences, might be the kick upside the head he seems to need. You can't manage bipolar disorder by only treating the lows.

Original poster

P4ainted · 06/06/2019 23:07

He is controlled with the meds usually, the most recent issues were due to changing them (with doctor's support) which in hindsight was clearly a bad idea.
Realistically I don't think he'll get a diagnosis, the waiting lists are so long for psychiatry that he's always been out of that phase by the time he's seen anyone.
Hopefully it won't happen again as long as he stays on the meds. It's just me still processing the fallout from the last lot. It's useful to hear from people who have experience though as it's difficult to understand from the outside.

OP posts:

OMGLongVac · 06/06/2019 23:14

the waiting lists are so long for psychiatry that he's always been out of that phase by the time he's seen anyone Ugh, don't I just know it? IMO there'd be a hell of a lot of people diagnosed, treated, and living a normal happy life a lot quicker if they were a) seen when they got ill and b) seen for follow-up by the same person a few times.

I hope he stays well, but I do find it concerning that he doesn't seem to take these highs seriously, or to be willing to apologise for his behaviour. He's pushing an awful lot of responsibility that belongs to him on to you.

Broken11Girl · 07/06/2019 02:00

I assume it's what he really thinks of me, he just hides it the rest of the time.
This isn't the case, he won't mean to come across like that, and it's totally the illness. I'm only speaking from my experience, I can be very like that and am mortified when I'm feeling better.

Broken11Girl · 07/06/2019 02:03

He does need to acknowledge that he has hypomanic periods and that his behaviour upset you. If talking hasn't worked, could you write it down for him? Maybe relationship counselling would help.

Gingerkittykat · 07/06/2019 02:09

The fact his hypomanic/ manic episodes are lasting for months is more indicative of bipolar than BPD.

I would push for a diagnosis, even if it takes a while. Even if he is in a well phase when he gets an appointment he can still get support.

Does he take a mood stabiliser?

OMGLongVac · 07/06/2019 02:45

Ginger, I'd assumed that when she said BPD, OP meant bipolar disorder, since she described it as "BPD2", and while type 1 and type 2 are a thing with bipolar disorder, they're not used to categorise borderline personality disorder.

Original poster

P4ainted · 07/06/2019 09:44

Yes I did mean bipolar for BPD not anything else sorry. OMG I get what you mean about how having a diagnosis would be beneficial but realistically I can't see it happening, none of the previous psychiatrists have wanted to make a formal diagnosis and the countless GPs certainly won't. You're right that it would be helpful but in the current climate I'm not holding my breath.

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 07/06/2019 09:49

He could see a psychiatrist privately, if you think a diagnosis might help?

Can I ask what medication he is on? If he's only being treated for depression, then the medication could make his mania worse.

SarahH12 · 07/06/2019 13:20

Sorry does he have BPD (borderline personality disorder) or does he have bipolar disorder? I'm assuming from the reference to mania you mean bipolar?

OMGLongVac · 07/06/2019 16:33

Yes, they can sometimes be very loath to give a firm diagnosis, especially when they don't see the patient much. And I think you're right that it's unlikely to happen any time soon :(

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