I'm so alone

[carmat]

Please is there anyone there

I had a huge argument with my h. I am in bits. Things have been so difficult since my dd was born nearly 2 years ago.

I don't have anyone in real life to talk to at all and I feel so alone

Im with my dd and trying to carry on while he sits upstairs but my eyes won't stop streaming with tears.

Can anyone distract me or just chat ?

I'm here

I've been there except we weren't married. What happened? Try not to let DD see you cry x

If I disappear then I'm just driving home x

Thank you for replying. He was trying to make dd say sorry for something and he had been doing it for a good 45 minutes and i had let him try and also tried to get her to say it so it would end and I explained to him that I don't think she understands what it means yet and while she can repeat things she doesn't know the actual meaning and he snapped at me that he disagrees that she knows exactly what she's doing and I said she isn't even 2 yet.

He then starts shouting at me how I always tell him he's a shit dad and I always blame him for things even from the start (I had pnd and he basically left me to it) and he starts making faces and rolling his eyes and saying 'google says this and that' mocking me saying I've googled it (because I thought he would listen to that if he wouldn't to me) when I try to talk to him and I asked him what he wanted to do about this because we can't keep on like it and said we needed to go to counselling and he basically said he didn't want to. How can I stay with someone when he doesn't want to talk things through like this

Dd wanted to see her dad so I brought her upstairs where he was laying on the couch in his study. I am now laying on the bed wondering what the hell im going to do.

My god she's way too young to start saying sorry! She couldn't possibly understand the meaning yet. Poor child.

You realise this is abuse don't you? Towards you both x

Sounds like he doesn't respect you as his daughter's mother. Serious attitude problem. Is there any family nearby? Close friends? X

It's starting to become clear to me that perhaps it is. I honestly thought it was just that he doesn't understand children. Neither do I really but I research to find out. He never wanted to do parenting classes or anything when she wasn't born yet because he said we would figure it out. He's got most of his knowledge from seeing his nephews occasionally and assumes it means he knows a lot but I think when she came along he realised he didn't (and won't admit it) and he constantly refers to chats we had before she was born about how we would parent and how I've gone back on it. One example is sleep - he always said we would do what his sister had done and do controlled crying, and I said yeah thinking I couldn't deal without sleep and she said it worked, except when dd arrived I couldn't bear the thought of her crying and wouldn't ever do it. He wasn't (isn't) happy about that.

What an idiot (him, not you). Is he normally like this?

We moved 2 hours away from my mum earlier this year so all I have up here is my sil (his dsis2) and she's pregnant and I definitely can't talk to her. I do have my own car and can drive back to my mum (I go there every couple of weeks) but she's currently having a cancer scare and tbh isn't the most supportive person anyway. She didn't like me moving away and would jump at the opportunity to get me back.

He's never been good at communicating. Neither have I to be fair but that's mostly because I was brought up to not upset people so I struggle badly with telling people how I feel and I internalise. When dd came along I struggled to do this because I was suffering so badly with pnd and I think he also had a bit of pnd and didn't know what to do. So he ignored me and went into the shed/stayed at work for weeks on end while I had a newborn - I would also be weeping in the night when she woke up for the 46384639 time and saying out loud that I wished I was dead and he would put a hand on me and say nothing but then turn over. Since then I've never really been able to forgive him and I really struggle with this. He gets defensive if I ever bring it up (I think he feels guilty and part of me thinks he should)

We were great before this. I think the shock of my attention not being on him all the time and the fact that I struggled so badly with a baby and myself was hard. I still struggle sometimes. He does try but he is unable to cope with emotion and becomes quiet or defensive. He takes everything as an attack.

He's great at encouraging me to get out and do stuff. But this massive part of parenting just doesn't work well for either of us. And he gets to lay upstairs while I have to carry on and try to pretend to dd.

No I'm sorry but controlled crying is cruel as f. He needs to forget the ideals and do what works for you all. Every child is different x

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper talk. If he won't or it goes badly then you need to have a think about whether this is going to work or not

That's what I thought as well. I don't think I fully understood what controlled crying was. He was just so strict from the beginning. He even said to someone who was about to have a baby that he didn't realise about the fourth trimester. He was obsessed with putting her down etc when she was tiny. He said I held her too much and if I gave her to him (I was really worried he didn't like her and wanted them to bond) he would maybe hold her for a minute and put her in a bouncer chair or lay her down. He was insistent we get out straight away after birth etc. I was in a supermarket at 2 days pp. it's like he set himself these goals of being no nonsense dad and he was insistent life wouldn't change much but as soon as dd was here I realised none of it was true (how true is it that you make loads of plans before baby is here and then you realise the reality) but he just didn't let it go.

I sent him the link to relate and said we need to do this, or this won't work. He is extremely resistant to counselling but I feel like it's the only way either of us will get any of this out. He won't listen to me and gets defensive and quite rude and I can't get him to listen. I should have thought of all this before I married him and had a baby with him. I feel so bad for dd. I feel like I've let her down.

I'm frightened that even if we did go to relate he wouldn't do it properly and nothing would be resolved. I'm worried I'll lose my marriage and my dd half the time. I don't know where I'd live (my mum would have us but I really don't want to go there) and I would need to find a job and childcare

I think you need to get yourself stronger (mentally) before going to counselling with him. Do you have iTalk or similar free talking therapy where you are?

I'm not sure it's a new area. I struggled getting help before because I actually worked with the mental health teams there and I was frightened someone would find out or look me up not knowing it was me. I'll have to google.

I feel so awful. I don't know what to do

He's still upstairs. I don't even know how to approach him. Why does he get to lay around upstairs and I have to carry on.

Wait why would you lose DD? If you split she stays with you and he gets visitation. Has tried to imply otherwise?

No I don't know what he would want to be honest. I don't know how these things work but I assume 50/50 is normal