I’ll give a bit of background but don’t want to say too much in case it’s outing.
I’ve got two children, and live with my partner of 14 years. All happy there, no issues at all. He has a full time job but it’s just minimum wage.
I’ve always worked since leaving school, it feels weird not working to be honest. After I had my eldest, I went back to work. She was in nursery full time from 3 months old, and I didn’t have any issue with that and she settled well.
After having our second, I think I had a bit of PND. I never let her out of my sight, had video monitors, and some days I would sit and just watch her because it felt like somebody was going to just take her; it didn’t feel like she was mine. Even though my partner was supportive of me and reassured me, I don’t know if that’s what is affecting my current situation with my anxiety.
I decided to just pick up a part time job to fit around my partners, so to eliminate her going to nursery so young. That seemed easy, as I knew she was home with my partner. It is only a retail job, and I’m not built for that really.
I have qualifications in a variety of areas and I recently applied for a job that I didn’t expect to get. It required qualifications higher than mine, but they undertook assessments and said I’d be more than able to do the job. It’s not full time, but it would involve my youngest having to go to nursery for about 20 hours a week.
I looked around nurseries, and found one which I found suitable. She went for a few visits and was clingy to me (haven’t left her yet). She eventually came out of her shell slightly with a lot of encourage from staff, but I know they can’t do that every day.
I’m due to start my new job in a couple of weeks, and I’m thinking logically now. We don’t have anybody to consistently watch our eldest during the holidays, and we won’t be able to get the school holidays off in full obviously. I’m worried massively about our youngest though, it’s giving me major anxiety. I’m not sure if it’s me worrying about her not settling, or just me not wanting to leave her at all.
Past couple of nights I’ve actually been thinking of just telling them I can’t do it and apologising for messing them around so badly.
I’d already been to my doctors a couple of months ago to discuss my anxiety, as I didn’t want it to affect me any more. They referred me to CBT but the waiting time is around 8 months!
I would probably carry on with the retail job for a while too if I did begin this other job as it’s not exactly taxing and pays well, and we don’t need the second jobs income, it was purely for my own experience and career.
I just don’t feel I can do it 😢 what can I do?!