Just can’t do this anymore

[HellToupee]

I don’t actually know why I’m posting here to a - for all intents and purposes- bunch of strangers. Maybe because I don’t have the kind of friends I can tell this to. Maybe because I don’t actually have many friends.

It’s a bank holiday Monday and I have spent most of it searching the internet for “the best pills for suicide”. I’m just so tired of and done with everything in my life that I am actually seriously contemplating that route.

A single mother with a fairly okay job; 2 DC (16 and 19); a life that is a clusterfuck; and no tears left to cry nor energy to fight it.

DC1 has dropped out of college, citing anxiety. It doesn’t stop them sleeping till noon and then going to the pub with their friends, sometimes staying out all night however. If I say anything -ANYTHING- I get a barrage of abuse. They refuse to consider a return to college not finding a job. All they know is that next year they want to go travelling. They ask for money I don’t have most days.

DC2 is in the midst of their GCSE’s but has a new found interest of smoking pot. Won’t revise, won’t talk to me most days and when they do they obviously feel they are talking to a piece of crap.

I have recently entered into an IVA as I have built up debts over the years that have now gotten to a point where I can’t cope with the payments any longer.

The debts are partly due to the fact My EXH hasn’t paid any maintenance in over 6 years. Long story but he’s living abroad and even a REMO hasn’t gotten a dime out of him. It was a very abusive marriage so I am loathe to push it any further in case he comes for me again out of spite. I even paid for DC to go see him as I always insisted they were not “pay per view”.

Today DC1, who is with their friend, threw an absolute shit fit over the phone. Because they promised me they would go back to college (who have offered a return) and still hasn’t taken any action. And I foolishly asked if they had at least spoken to the college.

I feel like such an absolute failure. I have not seen anyone this bank holiday weekend. Nor spoken to anyone. It’s a cliché but trust me, no one would miss me.

I have not had a relationship since my divorce. I don’t think I can let anyone ever get that close again. The last one as good as broke me and I am definitely damaged goods. So in effect I will see out the rest of my life alone, whilst life passes me by.

I can’t anymore. I have obviously done a pretty shite job of bringing up my DC; have a job that just barely pays the bills; no friends to speak of; not close to family. The only things I truly have in abundance are loneliness and sadness.

If you met me, you wouldn’t know any of this is going on in my life. I’m strong, outspoken, witty, good at my job and even have a team of people working for me. Always sarcastic but I guess that’s just me. A smile forever plastered on my face.

Let’s say I don’t opt for the pills....where do I go? What do I do??? Sorry for the long, loooong post. Thank you for reading.

Sorry you're feeling this shit. Please don't give up. Things always turn around eventually - I know it doesn't seem like it now. But they will.

I'd suggest a visit to the GP. And then maybe work on some of the things you can change - small as they may be:..good luck x

Your post made me really feel for you. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Kids and especially teen-agers can be selfish shits. I bet yours have no idea how they're contributing to how down youre feeling. I also bet they'd be horrified and ashamed if they knew. You don't need me to tell you that they'd also be devastated if anything happened to you, and that devastation would follow them throughout the rest of their lives, no matter how much you think they'll get over it. But even aside from the kids, there is so much left of life and so much potential for you. It's hard when you can't see it right now but honestly things can and they will get better.

You need to talk to someone properly - does your work provide an employee helpline/counselling service? If not, Google free counseling in your area or go to your Dr and ask for a referral. Wishing you all the best - if me as a total bloody stranger who never posts on forums cares enough about you, there are definitely people in your real life who do too - reach out! When someone you get on with in work asks you how you are or how was your weekend, tell them the truth ! Just that in itself can take a weight off.

I'm sorry things have been so shitty for you. I've felt that desperate and alone, and like things could never ever feel any better, but slowly and surely they did.

Is there a local MH crisis team you can call, or similar? Sometimes it can help just to pick up the phone and vent.

Thinking of you

Thank you for the replies - I stupidly had to wipe a tear when I saw that people had actually read my epistle and replied.

I will call the doctor’s surgery tomorrow first thing to make an appointment. I clearly need some help if I’m going to be sticking around. I will try.

I know how badly it would affect the DC and that is what has stopped me from acting on anything so far. Eldest DC just messaged me that they are moving out. No idea where and with what money but hey ho.

Apparently not done such a good job of hiding the money worries as they stated they won’t be my scapegoat for financial issues anymore. I’m crap but I have honestly never said that! Have refused to give them money, yes but never blamed them or anything like that!

Thank you all though. I will hold on and call tomorrow.

I feel your pain. I have a brother who is severely depressed but he tells everyone and anybody about it so everybody pussy foots around him. Me on the other hand, is full of anger, fear and grief for what I've been through but yet not a single person knows what hell is going inside me. I can't/ won't let anybody know I'm seriously mentally ill and I get through every day without having a fucking clue how I do it. Suicide has crossed my mind many times, I just haven't the balls to do it. I want to live. But I don't want to live the way I'm doing now, yet I fear I will always be this away. Ur not alone trust me x

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I too am a single mum with a bloody rude DS who smokes weed and treats me like rubbish. I try to hold onto the fact that it is a phase and it will get better. It sends me crazy and angry and so sad as well. If he moves out then so be it. It is really hard and I sympathise, there is not enough recognition of what teenagers can do to you when you’re single. Yes please see GP, possibly Samaritans. Keep on trucking, it will get better

Thank you both. * I’m sending you a hug. Not the done thing but to hell with that.

Rationally I know I’m not the only person feelings like this but in a warped way it’s comforting to hear it x

Nikobee that hug was for you

You've had some good advice above and I would definitely agree see your GP and also see if you can access any counselling. You're not a failure. You're holding down a job and you've raised your children alone and escaped a marriage that sounds like it wasn't making you happy. You've make progress with the IVA in not ignoring the debt.

What I wanted to add was why do you have to plaster the smile on at work? What would happen if you dropped your guard a bit and told someone you were struggling? Might it be time to reach out to someone and see what happens?

Thankyou helltoupee. Thankgod for places like this were we can vent. It's the one place that helps me hang on to my sanity xxx

Right, appointment made. Seeing the doc tomorrow...

A couple of weeks ago I was suicidal. Now things are much better. Hang in there OP. It can happen.

@HellToupee saying 'well done' sounds trite and patronising but I can't think of a better way to say well done for making that appointment. Your DC will lash out at you because you are the constant in their lives but they are both old enough now to learn the consequences of making the mistakes they are making. All you can do is offer advice and then say - "this is my advice. whether you choose to take it is up to you as you are old enough to decide for yourself. But please know that whilst I will always love you and be here for emotional support and food on the table, I can no longer financially support you in any other way" or words to that effect. Make them take ownership of their decisions. Yes they will carry on as they are doing and it will be your fault when it goes wrong but you have done EVERYTHING you can and it doesn't make you a bad parent if they don't choose the right path.,

It sounds so hard for you at the moment.

You don't have to always smile for everyone else. You're allowed to be weak/vulnerable sometimes too.

I’m so glad you’ve made that appointment. That’s a massive step to take. What can you do to keep you occupied until tomorrow?
And you’re doing great.

Glad you have an appointment tomorrow. Counselling is the way to go. What could be helpful is exploring learning how to set your boundaries with the DCs so you can put some of he burden down. This helped me as a SP. The relief was enormous. Good luck 💐

Hi OP. I've just read your post and was wondering how you got on at your GP appointment. Making that appointment was such a positive step and hopefully the start of better things to come. Putting on that smiling face at work is hard, I know because I do it too. Its all an act. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You sound like a very genuine person, don't push people away. You deserve to be happy. xx 💐 xx

Morning, I saw the doctor yesterday and promptly bawled all over her. She was amazing and just listened to me blubber my way through telling her everything. If nothing else, it was such a great feeling just to “off-load” and not being made to feel like a loser, a weak person or anything negative!!

She has given me a prescription for Citalopram and although I always swore blind I wouldn’t take any “happy pills”, I took the first one yesterday and hope it will give me that little bit of support. She said they work on an accumulative basis so I won’t start feeling better immediately but it will build up.

She has also referred me for a course of CBT at a place called “Time To Talk” so, although I’m not completely sure what CBT involves, I presume a lot of talking is required They will contact me to book my first appointment.

Thank you all again for your responses - they stopped me in my tracks in the best possible way and I am grateful for that!

As PP have said, the smile that is always plastered on my face (especially at work) shouldn’t have to be there. This is of course true, although I work in an industry where we provide members of the public with Happy experiences so dealing with a Debbie Downer would have a real impact on their experience as well as on my job security!

Right, I like a project I can get my teeth into - and for now my biggest project will be ME. I need to start feeling better and probably look after myself better because I need and want to be around. That much I have decided. And yes, after such a long time wanting to not be here, that is my first small victory.

Thank you all again

Fantastic news OP. Be proud of yourself, you took the first big step by seeking help.

You sound so positive! A lovely post to wake up to.. hope you have a really good day!

Rooting for you OP.

That’s a fab update. Give the pills time to work. It can take a few weeks. The very best of luck.

Well done, keep on keeping on; it will improve 🙂

OP your first post made me cry and to read that you have made the step to go to the doctor and have your prescription is just amazing. You sound so resilient and strong with what you are dealing with as a parent- they sound like awful teenagers but I promise one day they will thank you for all of this. My brother was a terror as a teenager but is very close to my Mum now.

I have taken Citolypram myself and have had success from it as have a lot of people I know.

Do you do any hobbies/ activities at the moment? I recently joined a running club and have found it to be very rewarding. It’s a good place to meet people too.

It's really hard parenting teens and their behaviour is no reflection on you. You think you're not important to them, but you are and they need you even if you don't feel like they do. This awful teen phase will pass and things will get better. Hope you are in a better place soon.