Not sure why I am posting. Just feel utterly lost.
I am the primary earner in my family and run my own business (sales), which I set up when we had our first child. Like many women, I was tossed aside by my previous employer when I went on maternity leave, so working for myself became a necessity. Our children are still young.
Running my own business, I get very stressed out about finances, as our entire financial future mainly rests on my shoulders. To be successful, I need to be in a very positive and proactive mental state which I find very hard to maintain. If I am not on tip top form, we can’t pay the mortgage.
I also have a history of depression since I was in my teens, and I was definitely an alcoholic in my twenties... still am if I am honest although right now more like a couple of glasses of wine an evening, rather than a bottle or more.
Two years ago, I was in very low mood for quite few months. Drinking waaay too much. Putting on weight. Not sleeping from worry about our finances and every night lying awake with repetitive thoughts about dying. Generally I felt without hope and an utter failure. At one point I had some very dark thoughts that I am ashamed of. I managed - eventually - to snap myself out of it and things got better for a while. As did our finances. But I think I have realised that running my own business is maybe no good for my mental health. My husband - for context - sleeps like a baby.
I think I am good at my job and I would like to return to the workforce ... but feel completely unemployable because I have been working for myself (for 5 years). I am also worried that I won’t earn enough to cover all our outgoings. And I am in an industry where flexible working can be a bit tricky.
In addition, every time I stop for a moment my mind is flooded with negative thoughts ... so I take on more and more extracurricular ‘stuff’ to fill my time in order to have no time to my own thoughts. My attention span has entirely left the building.
I am utterly exhausted. I feel I am a terrible human being and mother. My husband is barely getting any attention.
Has anyone else been through this? Just don’t know what to do.