Why am I so anxious about this? Waking up in the night with heart pounding

[Lavenderlover1]

Hi - I’ve posted about this on here before but it’s been a while and my feelings have flared up again. I have been with DP for 6 years. We were seeing each other for a couple of months before having a conversation about exclusivity and during that time I’m very ashamed to say that I had sex with 2 other men. I was only 20 at the time and still at uni - at the time I did sleep around a lot and drank stupid amounts, and both encounters were meaningless. Doesn’t make it right but I know others were doing the same, ‘seeing’ people but sleeping with others, although many of these never turned into real relationships - in my case, it did. I have never told DP about this and I don’t know why but it’s all sort of come back recently as feelings of intense shame and guilt. I know I didn’t ‘owe’ him anything then but I still feel like a horrible, unworthy person who isn’t deserving of him, even though I’ve never slept with anyone since, have been sober for 2 years, and really do feel myself to be a different person. Has anyone else ever been in this boat? I get triggered when watching a soap for example and a character mentions an affair (Sharon and Keanu storyline in Eastenders) even though I know it’s a totally different situation

Your activities until you both decided to be “exclusive” are private.
A counselor can help you sort your feelings, but some casual sexual behavior at 20 is pretty common.

This isn't really about your "infidelity". This is some sort of mental health crisis you are suffering (anxiety by the sounds of it) that has attached itself to a vague feeling of guilt you have because of having some sexual encounters at university. Firstly, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done no wrong. You were not in an exclusive relationship at the time. Once you and your husband committed yourselves to each other, that was it. You have given yourself wholeheartedly to the relationship and you love your husband very much. Your feelings of guilt are irrational. But what could really be causing your anxiety? Is it something to which you are prone? Might be worth exploring the possible causes for this.