PTSD anyone else? *trigger warning, self harm mentioned*

[UnRealPerson]

I can't say what happened to me as it would reveal me as a poster, but I'm posting here as I know this board is quieter.

I realised earlier that I have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD. It's on my medical notes, I knew I had it due to what happened to me, and I'm sure my lovely GP told me when I was diagnosed but I just can't remember.

I'm going through a really bad patch atm and the diagnosis is sort of helping me understand. I was stood in the shop earlier and I just felt kind of detached - I could see people around me doing their shopping but I felt like I wasn't there, almost like I was watching it on the news or something, it was really strange.

I also don't like being touched, or hugged apart from by my preschooler. I used to hug my mum and my friends but now I hate it. My GP says it's due to what happened to me. I've told people to get out of my personal space before and I'm ashamed to say I wasn't exactly polite. I find myself avoiding getting close to people, and I don't like people walking to closely behind me.

I find myself feeling irrationally sad at random points. I don't think I can feel anger anymore, I haven't felt angry since before the incident that caused my PTSD, does that make me strange? When I go sad or go through depersonalisation I feel like I want to release my feelings and have self-harmed before, I've been quite restrained during the last few weeks but in previous relapses of symptoms I have pinched myself, pulled my hair out, scratched myself with knives and scissors, made myself sick either by sticking fingers down my throat or over eating.

I also downplay what happened to me, say it wasn't that bad or blame myself.

I have a constant anxiety that is always there but just gets worse during the relapses. I also have bad insomnia. And I think I have nightmares, although never about the incident just feelings surrounding it.

I'm on the waiting list for counselling, but I've been waiting ages already and don't think it'll be anytime soon. I can't afford private.

Just want to compare really and see if anyone else has experiences?

Hi love, didn't want to read and run. Hoping you get to see a counsellor soon but have a little look at some resources about dissociative disorders.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dissociative-disorders/

Personally I had something horrid happen to me and I think to protect my brain from the trauma of confronting it, my brain just kind of switched off its emotions for a few years.

I wish I had gotten counselling for it sooner but I found it really hard to articulate. It was a bit like going through the motions but that my body was just sort of hosting my mind and the two were separate, but neither was actually me.

It's so hard to describe and might be totally different to yours but worth having a read I think.

Do push your GP and tell them how urgently you need to start counselling - there may also be charities in your area offering services so do check with them too.

I'm sorry love, it's rubbish having a broken brain isn't it xxx

I'm on the waiting list for specialist trauma counselling, went on the list a year after the incident happened, wasn't ready for counselling before then, been on the list almost 6 months now been told it could be another 6-12 months for this specific place to get back to me as they offer long term counselling rather than the local NHS policy of 6 sessions.