Anger issues, how to stop losing my shit

[NegativeNancy]

I've nc as I'm ashamed. Over the last year or so I've become a pressure cooker and just lose it and shout at the dc, it comes from no where and I don't know how to stop it. It's like 0 to bellowing in a split second.

Im so worried I'm going to affect the dc, I don't want them to think it's normal. I put it down to lack of sleep but I've been sleeping better and still feeling like I'm not coping.

I don't know what to do

Could caffeine be a factor?

No one can push our buttons like our kids. Is screaming at them achieving what you want? Meditation is helping me.

You have acknowledged the issue which is a good thing. Try stepping away, closing your eyes and counting to 10. You are only human and you are not a terrible person. Do you get enough help with lifes other pressures? Try meditation.

I don't even get a chance to calm down before snapping as it just blows out from nowhere. Like a reaction to ds(9)telling me he needs a wee after I've told him to go 10 mins before and he said he didn't need to and now there's nowhere to go. I didn't shout but I was seething and stampy angry walk back to where toilets were.

Or ds2 (2) unfolding an entire pile of folded laundry in the 3 seconds it takes to put a cup on the kitchen side, my reactions were so ott but it just explodes out from calm to totally irrational. I feel so guilty.

I have been there too. Lack of sleep is, a MAJOR factor but I can't find a solution to that one. I've tried diet, exercise, yoga, cutting out caffeine, acupuncture... Hormones also have a huge part to play in this (menopause in my case) When I did fly off the handle I would be guilty and emotional afterwards, but would always apologise to the kids and explain I overreacted, it wasn't their fault that I got so angry. However, to give you hope, it did get better and I haven't had that irrational anger for a while now. When my sleep is good I am like a different person. But I still haven't managed to crack that one properly yet. Good luck, hope you get through this phase soon (it will be a phase as it is something you are aware of and want to change - hang onto that)

You could try looking at local mental health charities - they may offer free or subsidised anger management classes. Or go to your GP to see if they know of anything that they can refer you to.

I know that when I can't keep calm around my kids it is because I am feeling shit about myself or my life. Often I have been brooding in my mind about something I feel shit about and then I am in such a bad mental state that I liable to suddenly snap at something the kids do.

And that makes me feel even more shit about myself. And like you say, ashamed too.

Actually, thinking about it, maybe one of the things I could try is NOT brooding about things when the kids are around...

Are you depressed? Not being able to control your temper can be part of it.

I don't even get a chance to calm down before snapping as it just blows out from nowhere

Are you sure it comes from nowhere? I used to think that but then I realised that I was feeling low and miserable or upset before I snapped.
I guess the trick is becoming aware that one is in a poor frame of mind so that you can do something to stop yourself snapping (not sure what though..)

ps my plan is to try to start to use these occasions to model to my children how to manage their emotions. By talking through how I am feeling and what I am going to do to stop myself from losing it.

Has something happened in the last year to cause you to be less able to cope?

Hormones?

Thank you for your replies, I was so worried I was going to be told I was a monster.

I'm 31 on the copper coil so don't think it's hormones.

It could be depression, though I never realised it could present that way, I almost booked in with the gp about it a few weeks ago but bottled it.

See your GP. You need help before your children see this as the norm, and that sets them up for a lifetime of their own mental health issues. Make that your motivation to overcome your issue.

God I know exactly what you mean. I snap too & it’s exactly like you say there’s not a gap between the event & the anger- it justs goes boom! And I hate that I am like this with my children. This is not the mother I want/ wanted to be. I am currently very depressed & I think that’s part of it. I am on anti depressants- mirtazapine & lots of people have said it’s made them very angry/ not sure if that’s true or not.

Can you ask to change them @greatbigbushybeard, that sounds very counter productive

I'm going to call gp tomorrow, this has confirmed to me it's not normal and I need more help to fix it

In the meantime, do you think you would be able to discuss how angry you were with your kids afterwards? We all get angry, sure, we are human and most of us come with a shit load of baggage, but how about sitting down with them after it has happened and talking about it. That way, you turn from a shouty mummy into a mummy they can discuss things rationally through with and you will get an idea of the impact it it having on them. It is shitty and painful, and they will say things you don't want to hear, but it may help all of you through this. Because while it is fab to go and get help, acknowledge the problem, perhaps seek therapy or medication for yourself, there are little ones who are looking at you to model how to cope with rage and anger. I'm not saying that judgementally, I have been extremely angry with my kids in the past and was absolutely wracked with shame and guilt over my inability to control myself over the smallest things that they did. And we live in a world where there are many, many examples of people who throw it out onto other people all over the place, where as learning to process it and let it go without displacing it out is a skill that we seem to have lost somewhere. So maybe it's worth trying to find out if there is another way.